Double Or Nothing // C.T.H

7 ~ Calum

The walk home from school was slow. The cool, stiff air dried my throat and chilled my lungs.

The trees are becoming  bare, leaves falling like people in love, fast, swift, breathlessly.

They dance together across he side walk, making the white concrete a brown and yellow colored canvas.

My neighborhood looks about as depressing as I felt. But the bright colors of the old houses try to mask it, like I learned to do.

But lately, I've felt different, hollow, I guess you could say.

Not the soul crushing sadness that eats you alive, or the anger at makes you want to burst, or even the numb feeling that I depend on.

I just felt like something was missing. Maybe it was the attention I never got from my parents? Or the lack of friends? Maybe it was... Maybe I'm lonely.

Not the kind of lonely you feel for your family or friends when they leave, no. The kinda you get when you long for someone that you can be with.

I frown, confused. Why the hell do I want a relationship? They suck. Ashton, he was in one.

I remember how much she screwed him up. He's still different to this day, he's cold.

I miss him, the old Ash, the one full of giggles and puns that were never really that funny, but he would laugh like it was the best joke in the world.

I huff, walking up my cracked drive way. I shouldn't think like this. It was all better when my feelings were numb, I wasn't this...deep.

If this is even deep? I feel like I'm turning into one of those people who constantly question life.

The smell of honey ham distracts me from my thoughts as I walk into my house.

Kicking off my shoes, my mom walks to me, her purple, stained apron tied to her short frame.

"How was school?" My mother asks, that fake smile stretching her lips, her white teeth showing.

I bit my tongue, she asked that question to get me upset, I know she did.

"It was fine." I mimic her tight smile and my father huffs from his place on the couch.

My mother glances to my dad before nodding. "That's great! Dinner will be in about and hour or so." She says sweetly before disappearing back into the kitchen.

She doesn't want me to know that she's still disappointed in me, afraid I'll tell someone she doesn't love me. It's all for her, going to school, the yelling, her.

I look to my dad. He won't look at me, jaw tight, his eyes trained on the news playing on the tv. I bite my lip. I thought he would be happy I went to school. What else am I suppose to do?

I slowly walk up the stairs. Walking slow has become a pattern.

Turning at the sound of the door opening and closing, Thomas bursted through, practically skipping.

I watch from the top of the stairs as my dad asks my beaming brother how his day was. I don't listen to what they're saying, focused on the facial expressions.