Him || Namjin

Chapter 18 | Broken

Jin POV
They put me back to bed and told me sorry for my lost. My heart is slowly breaking apart, little by little, it's disappearing.

I feel empty, it feel like I just lost everything in me. It feel like I don't know who am I anymore. I'm never going to see her face anymore, her voice, looks, everything. All this is my fault, that was suppose to be me, be gone from the world so my mom won't worry about me anymore.

My heart ache so much that I can barely breathe. I try to breathe some air but it was hard for me. I cried so loudly, letting people to hear me that this hurts me so much. I saw my phone light up, I check who it was and it was from Namjoon. I was in so much pain just to talk to him. I flip my phone facing down and shed in tears.

The doctor walk in the room and shut the door. I look at him, anger was building around me. "Why..... YOU SHOULD TRY HARDER! YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON HER MORE THAN ME. SHE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND......she was everything to me..."  The doctor let out a sigh and walk toward me and hand me something. "Here, it an envelope from your mom. Before she die, she told us that she have a note for you in her glovebox. She say that she love you very much and she hoping that your already." He hand me the note and excuse himself so he can give me some privacy. I quickly open the the envelope, unfold the note and start reading.

Dear Jin,
If your reading this, this mean that I pass away and I don't think it will happen. If I pass away before my due date, im sorry.. I know you going though hard time right now because my death. I just wanted to tell you that your eomeoni love you so much. Don't forget that okay. I'll always be by your side no matter what.

I know you were hurt. It breaks my heart that you keep telling lies. I wanted to help you but you always put a smile on your face like everything is fine at school. Baby, you should talk to me about it. I can see it though your eyes. I been working so hard to support this family. I know I never been there for you but I should of been there. But you should of just talk about it. Dodge ball and kick ball, nice job Jin. You could of do it better.

I let a small smile and laugh a little. My eomeoni know me so well. But it broke my heart more when she say that I broke her heart for not telling her the truth.

I needed to tell you something. Every morning, I wanted to tell you but I end up waking up so late and I didn't want to text you about it. I wanted to tell you face-to-face but I guess is to late for me. I have heart cancer and heart disease. This is a very rare, most doctor never seen it like this. It was hard for me on some day because there days I have to left earlier and go to the hospital so they can help me. I start to get depressed, have panic attack, and anxiety attack. It was hard for me to face you so there's time I have to spend time at the hospital. I know I should of told you but I just don't want to make you suffer more. I'm sorry baby, am truly sorry.

I know I should of told you sooner but I couldn't. I'm sorry. I knew what is going on at school and I should of do something. I'm the worst mom you ever have. I know there time you didn't want to be here in the world anymore but please don't talk like that anymore. Please, for your eomeoni.

Can you do me a best favor for me. Can you always put your head up, and never give up. Don't be hard on yourself and don't blame it yourself. Please baby, can you do that for me. I left you a little present once you get home. It's in my room, under my bed. Okay baby, I should get going, just remember what I say and promise me that you will always be baby. Be my big boy and continue life for me. I'll will always be proud of you. I love you and miss you. Thanks for being the best son I ever have, ima miss your cooking and my favorite dish :(

Goodbye son, until we met again.

From your best person that love you so much, Eomeoni.

I put the note close to me and hug it like it she was there with me. I cry so hard that I just cannot stop crying anymore. I hold the note so close to me, I don't ever what to lose it. I look at the envelope and I saw something that caught my eyes. I pick up the envelope and see what it is, it was pocket necklace. I open it up and it was a picture of us, smiling. I close my mouth with my hand and just see how happy we were. I see a little stick note that was on it.

I hope you love it Jin. Mommy will always be there by your heart. <3

Everything about it is just breaking my heart more. I just can't handle this pain anymore. Eomeoni already help me when I feel sad or when I need someone to talk to. I guess I don't have no one to fix my pain. I lay down and curl up to a ball. I put on the necklace, place the note next to me and slowly cry myself to sleep.

'You're in a better place now. Your not in pain anymore. I hope you look down on me and be on my side until my time is up. I love you eomeoni....~'