My Love

Chapter 4: Broken

I stare out the airplane window and admire how the orange sunset looks over the clouds. The sight is so beautiful and it warms my heart to see how such beauty can arise over an everyday thing. I then look to my left and see my other beauty snuggled up to me. She's always been a cuddler, if that's what you'd call it. Especially on planes. Luckily I was able to sit next to her and experienced the warmth and sweetness that comes with her body being semi-entangled with mine. I stare down at her. She's fast asleep. She looks so small. So fragile. That's one of the things that stood about her. She loos like a little girl with the light of the world in her heart while living in such a vast, dark, world. This gives her so much vulnerability and I have such a strong need to protect her. And that only makes staying away from her harder. I feel like I'm the only one who can see how vulnerable she is and I'm the only who overly cares. When she's not by me or not in my arms, I just has this haunting feeling telling me something is going to hurt to her. And I just can't let that happen. Not again.

3 months ago

"Hey, babe," Luis said trying to get my attention, "What's wrong? You've been acting all sad since I got here? Is everything alright?" He kept asking.

"I'm fine, babe. I'm just tired from all the shows." I lied. I was upset because Camila seemed sad all day. I was sure it was because of Luis. Now she's with Dinah at a 5SOS concert and I'm here with him when I should be with her.

"Oh, I see what the problem is. You're upset that your brother came with us. I'm sorry we didn't get too spend much time alone, Laur." He sincerely apologized. That is such bullshit since I'm the one who begged Chris to come with us because I didn't want to be alone with him. I went on Twitter and saw the tweet in response to the picture that I posted previously of the three of us.

"She's so gay. Look at her wearing that muscle shirt. Lol Lauren you're not fooling anybody."

"You can't pray the gay away."

"Posting pictures won't make you straight. But nice try, though."

"Gayyyyy!!"

"Dyke Lauren is my favorite Lauren."

I felt my chest start to beat fast and it felt like my blood started to race a thousand miles per hour throughout my body. My face started to turn read and my muscles tensed harder than I thought they could; I was furious. How dare people call me gay. How fucking dare they. I'm not a fucking lesbian. I have a fucking boyfriend and they can't seem to get that through their heads.

"Woah, Laur. You okay? You look like you're about to go on a stabbing spree." Luis commented.

"I'm fucking fine!" I snapped Luis. I could tell I surprised him and hurt his feelings.

"I'm sorry, Luis. It's just all these comments about me being gay is really getting to me." I said honestly.

"Ignore them. If they're not true, then it shouldn't affect you that badly." He said, making a lot of sense. I sighed.

"Let's post a selfie." I said simply. "That'll prove them."

"Ok." He sighed. I gave him my phone and put my head on his shoulder and forced the best smile I could at the moment and he took the picture. I examined the picture.

"My face was still red. Let's put a black and white filter on it." I said. He agreed. I posted the selfie and smiled when people were freaking out. That's what they get.

I spent the rest of the night with Luis. Around midnight I went on Twitter again and I saw pictures of Camila at the concert. My heart broke at the sight. I got up and went to see Camila. I found her head buried in Dinah's chest, sobbing her eyes out. And then Dinah just gave me this look. I've never seen a look like that. It was like poison. Even though she looked just into my eyes, I could feel the toxicity circulate throughout my body. I could hardly stomach it. The combination of Dinah's look and Camila's sobbing was too much. I began to walk out the room.

"Lauren..." I heard a weak voice say. I gulped. I knew it was Camila's. I took a deep breath and turned around.

"Lauren, I have something I want to say to you." She said firmly getting out of Dinah's lap.

"I'll leave you two alone." Dinah said. She began to leave but right before she did, she shot me another look, another dose of poison.

Oh God. I really messed up this time.

Camila wiped her tears with her hands and began to speak.

"I'm sorry, Lauren. I'm really sorry. But I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not okay, Lauren. We're not okay. I'm tried of lying to the fans and putting on this stupid act that we're just good friends that feel absolutely nothing towards each other. I'm so tired, Lauren. So, so, tired. This cycle of being close and then being distant is taking a toll on my heart and I can only take so much. So I'm done, Lauren. Whatever we had is over. I deserve to have someone who'll belong to me and me only. I'm sorry, Lauren. But I've reached my breaking point. You broke me." She said while tears were spilling out of her eyes.

"Camila, please..." I started talking, but when I looked into her eyes, I stopped. There's no way to justify it. I hurt her. I did the thing I vowed I'd never do to her. I hurt her. So much.

As I began to walk out the room and into my own domain, tears started to form in my eyes. I let out a sob. In that moment, I hated myself. I hated my selfishness. I hated who I was. I couldn't recognize my character. I was never so lost than I was in that moment.

I broke her.