My Love

Chapter 17: Breaking the Cycle

We had played a few shows throughout California and ended our '5th Times A Charm' tour and the Austin tour was achingly close. And not aching as in hurting from excitement, but hurting from dreading the whole thing.

'It's not so long is it? Just a little bit of July, the whole month of August, and a little bit of September. It'll be over before you know it.' I said to myself, trying to lighten my mood.

I'm worried that Camila will end up falling for Austin. What if she forgets about me? She deserves better than what I'm offering her at the moment and we both know that. Camila is very patient she's been waiting for a long time and I don't know if she can be able to wait when there is someone who could potentially give her what I couldn't. The thought of it made my stomach hurt.

Camila and I were relaxing on the couch with her head on my lap. She stopped looking at the TV and looked into my eyes.

"Lo, can we cuddle?" She asked me with puppy dog eyes. Of course I couldn't say no to her cuteness. Come to think of it, I couldn't say no to her at all. And plus, I really wanted to have her in my arms.

Lately I've been distant with Camila. I don't do it on purpose. I feel like I don't pay attention and she ends up neglected sometimes. As much as I want her in my arms, it just doesn't feel right this time.

"What about later? I'm not really in a touchy-feely mood." I replied. She got up out of my lap. I saw hurt in her eyes.

"Is there something wrong with me?" She asks, heartache in her voice.

"No. Nothing's wrong with you. You're amazing." I responded, as if it was obvious.

"Obviously something is. You don't want me. Austin doesn't want me. Why am I not good enough?" She asked weakly, tears beginning to flow from her eyes. I placed my hand on her thigh.

"Don't cry, babe." I begged. "There's nothing wrong with you. I promise." I told her. She just shook her head and glumly walked out.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm literally pushing Camila into Austin's arm. If he actually wanted her. I felt horrible. Horrible because she likes Austin and horrible because I somewhat made her cry. This whole friends with benefits thing isn't working out. She wants too much and I want too little. But I can't just end it altogether or we'll both be unhappy. But I can't pursue our complicated relationship because it's hurting both of us.

I sighed and laid back, wishing it'd all go away. Poor Camila. I resent myself for not being able to give her what she wants. But I love her so much. Maybe I'm just not capable of being with a girl like Camila. Or maybe I'm overthinking everything. Or maybe I'm overthinking about overthinking. This whole situation was giving me a headache. I decided to take a walk to clear my head.

I walked on the beach and my mind got lost in the waves. Like I was hypnotized by the constant movement. Maybe it was because it had something that I lacked in a lot of aspects in my life; consistency. The waves will always pull in and move out. It's a guarantee. But my life is not something that moves in an organized and predicted fashion. I know everybody's like that, but I found myself hating it. If I'm going to have lows and struggles in my life, especially in my relationships, I want to know how it's carried out so I could prepare myself but no. Unlike the seemingly endless water before me, I am unpredictable.

I kept walking and I came across a bench near a nice cream stand. I found the girl on my mind and in my heart sitting on the bench, looking off into the distance, pondering God knows what. Her mind was full of endless mysteries that nobody would ever come close to solving . But I could tell she was upset. I walked up beside her and placed my hand on her back, taking her by surprise.

"You okay?" I asked with genuine concern.

"Stop!" She yelled.

"Woah, what the hell? I was just asking-"

"I know what you were asking, Lauren! I always know what you're going to say! It happens every time! Jesus, I'm so tired of going through the same exact thing over and over again. It's literally the same thing every time. I'm heartbroken, Dinah or something else makes us closer again, we get too close, you become distant, I run away, and you comfort me. It's like we're going in circles and it's making me feel sick." She told me. I stayed silent.

"Can we just stop this? Please? I want to be friends. I miss our friendship. Let's just leave romantic feelings out of it and just be friends. No drama. Okay?" She said desperately.

"Easier said than done." I said dryly.

"Well try. Because it's all too much." And with that, she walked away from me. I just sat there.

I sighed. Hopefully I can to her more about it. But she probably will refuse to. I got up and started walking, and hoping my life would become less entangled so I can escape this confusion and uncertainty.