My Love

Chapter 10: Screams and Empty Eyes

I awoke from my deep slumber. When you sob yourself to sleep, you somehow manage to get the best sleep. Maybe it's because it feels so good to escape reality at that moment so when you are in your unconscious trance, it feels like a gift. My eyes feels like they're glued shut but I'm able to get them open. I slept in my clothes I was wearing and didn't bother to change. I sat up in my bed and just sat there with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. Just thinking. Thinking about my mom. The tour. My fans. Camila. Just about life in general. It was all becoming too much. I felt like I was claustrophobic in a figurative since. Like all these things were closing in on my life and I just wanted to scream.

So I did.

I screamed. So loud. I had so much emotion built up inside of me and I haven't let it our successfully in a long time. Maybe not all of it was gone, but it provided some temporary relief, and I'm desperate for any amount of pain to be taken away.

I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. Obviously I saw myself, but there was something different around my reflection. My eyes. They looked different. They looked almost...empty. Like I just lost a part of my soul. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

'It'll get better.' I told myself. I know it will. It has to. There has to be more to me than just my vacant stare and broken heart that I've lately become familiar with.

I got ready and saw the girls waiting in the hotel lobby. Except one girl was missing. A certain brown-eyed angel that I broke last night.

"Have you guys seen Camila?" I questioned them.

"I thought she was with you." Dinah responded.

"I thought she was with you, Dinah. Why would she be with Lauren?" Sinu said, clearly concerned.

"Yeah, why would Camila be with Lauren?" Normani asked, turning her head towards me. Ally, Normani, and some of our team gave me a weird look.

"Did any of you call her?" I asked, trying to take the attention away from me.

"Yeah. Me and Sinu have been trying but she's not picking up." Dinah said, worry dripping in her voice.

"I gotta go. I need to find Camila." I said, panic evident in my voice.

"Lauren, wait." Somebody said from our team said, but I ignored it. I had to find her.

Since we were in LA, I figured that she'd be somewhere near the beach. She loves the beach. We do have a curfew but since we had our talk after curfew, she was probably able to sneak out. I ran to the beach. It had few people, which makes sense since it was around 5:30 am. I ran for about 15 minutes along the beach in my ripped jeans and muscle shirt. Some other people started looking for her but I was determined I'd be the one to find her.

I came across a beach chair with a person situated in it. Long, dark brown hair was hanging off the edges of chair in long directions, which I automatically identified as Camila. Her back was turned away from my direction but I could tell she was asleep. I ran towards her and gently shook her awake.

"Camila, wake up." I said softly.

She slowly opened her eyes and I saw how bloodshot they were. But I also noticed something that almost made my heart stop. The vacancy behind her brown eyes scared the living hell out of me. It reminded me of my eyes this morning. I felt my heart break once again.

"Lauren..." She groaned, grabbing her back from sleeping in the uncomfortable chair.

"I-I'm sorry. I w-was just trying to g-get away and-" I cut her off.

"It's okay, Camz." I said, rubbing her shoulder softly. I helped her out of the chair and kissed her forehead.

"It's going to be okay." I said soothingly. Out of nowhere, she started crying into my chest.

"Fuck you, Lauren! Fuck you!" She screamed, but was muffled by my shirt. She backed away and used the back of her hand to wipe her tears away.

"I'm sorry." She said sniffling.

"It's alright. Sometimes we have to let out a scream every now and again." I said.

"We need to get you back to the hotel. We're already running late." I said, gently pressing my hand into her back to signal her to walk in that direction.

"Ok." She said simply.

I watched the broken girl slowly walk back to the hotel. She used to be so full of light and now she just seems so dark and hollow.

And it's my fault.

The self resentment in me built up so fast. And for the second time that morning, I released it all again. With a scream.