My Love

Chapter 9: Ashes

Me and the girls were meeting fans. I love my fans. Despite my moments, I love them all so much. But some of them just push me so far and I feel like I'm about to fall of the edge. Especially with Camren. Some of the shippers make me feel surrounded and trapped. Like their is no place to run or hide and I suffocate. All I wanted to do is sort out my feelings for Camila with little influence from the public, but that was such an unrealistic possibility, if you could even call it that.

After my newfound discovery, I've been in a weird mood. I didn't know how I felt exactly. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time. For some reason, it didn't feel real. I felt like when I told myself I wasn't in love with her, it's like there was an even louder telling me I was lying. But I blocked out that voice.

I started taking piuctures with fans and greeted them. Someone asked me for an autograph, and as I was signing it I heard someone call my name. I looked up.

"The only straight thing about you is your hair!" I heard the female voice say. I stopped signing the autograph and for two seconds, I didn't even move.

Did she just call me gay?

She was later shouted at by my fsans, but I still was furious. Ever since our careers took off, I've been overly sensitive to people calling me gay. I'm not homophobic, it's just the thought of me being gay makes my insides ache. I see how they're treated and viewed in society and I absolutely don't want that. I tried to shake the comment off, but it was still there in my mind nonetheless.

I logged onto tumblr. I scrolled through my dashboard. I saw a certain post in particular that caught my eye because of the amount of truth.

"lololol camila and dinah could literally make out on camera and everyone would be like "aww friendship goals" but if lauren even glances at camila ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and I DONT UNDERSTAND"

Disregarding the shit I'd get for it later, I pressed the reblog button. And of course, the hate started piling in. I addressed some of it. But I underestimated how much it would actually affect me. People were calling me selfish and rude and saying I didn't like my fans which really hurt, so I decided to shade all those dickheads.

"Keep talking. It's cool." I tweeted.

And of course everyone knew I was addressing the whole Tumblr situation. Some time went by and I noticed both of my parents addressed it. My dad said that Camren was a fantasy, which made me feel guilty since I haven't told him the entire truth. And my mom, of course, posted a picture of me and Dinah holding hands. I knew she was trying to divert attention away from Camren, and I appreciated it. I can't handle Camren stuff right now. It's too much. Then I remember something that somehow managed to easily slip my mind.

Camila.

I have to end our relationship. I groaned. I've been acting distant with Camila the last few days so maybe she's prepared.

Later that day, Camila approached me.

"Lauren, we need to talk." She said. I agreed and sat down with her.

"I understand you're not ready for our relationship to be public, but why are you reblogging and favoriting this kind of stuff?" She asked.

I felt nauseous. I stared in those big brown eyes of hers. They had so much love. How in the hell was I going to tell her? I already broke her heart many times. But this is going to kill her. But I have to do it. I need time to myself. Time to sort things out. So I took a deep breath and began to talk.

"Camila, I think this whole time we've been confused. Both of us. I think this whole love thing is something our hearts fabricated. We're both straight and like boys. You make me really happy and I love you, but not in that way. I thought I did, but after confronting myself I realize it's not that kind of love. I want to end this before it gets to serious. But I'll always be there for you and you'll always be my friend." I finished.

The whole time I was talking, I stared at my hands. I couldn't bear to look into her eyes, or even at her face. After minutes passed, I worked up enough courage to look at her. Surprisingly, she wasn't crying. She just sat there in a trance.

"Camila." I said calmly. I lightly placed my hand on her back. That's when I felt her shake. She quickly collapsed into herself, sobbing. I saw this coming, but I didn't think my heart would break as well. She got up and ran. I let her go. In order for her to deal with heavy stuff like this, she has to be alone.

I laid down and stared at the ceiling. Slowly but surely, I felt my heart began to crumble in my chest. It's like if someone threw a piece of parchment into the flames of the fire and it quickly burned up into black nothingness. That's how my heart and sanity felt. Ashes that used to be worth something. That used to have life. But now it's nothing. A sob escape my lips as my heart was again and again breaking. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.