wanted | bts

ㅣ13ㅣ

WARNING: Mention of death and suicide. (Jonghyun's passing is also mentioned)

Taehyung

I've lost so many people in my life.

My beloved grandmother. Who meant everything to me.

She was so kind. Supported me through every decision of my life.

But she's gone now.

She passed away on September 2nd. I was away in the Philippines, I wasn't there with her. I didn't get to say goodbye. I wasn't there to hold her hand. Talk to her, tell her that I was ok, and that everything would be fine. I wish I could have told her that I loved her sooner.

Her biggest dream was to see me on TV, on the stage in front of all our fans. Winning awards, it would make her so proud. She would be so proud of me if she could see me now. But she was too late. We won an award soon after, I was on TV. She was just too late. She didn't get to see me, up there, happy with the other members. So proud.

Grandma, are you proud of me?

Are you happy up there? In heaven, looking down on me. I know you're up there, looking out for me, making sure I'm ok.

I love you grandma.

I try to smile. I was getting better. After all this with my grandmother, I was so down. Dealing with loss is hard. But you were there for me, ARMY was so kind and patient. You were worried about me, asking to make sure I'm ok.

I was getting better, until someone else left. Someone else so close to me is gone now too. He left this world, so sad and hurting and I wasn't there to help him. No one knew how Jonghyun was feeling. His group members had no idea he was suicidal either. If we'd known we could have saved him. We could have saved him, I could have saved him... If only I'd known.

Depression is a horrible thing. Yoongi hyung suffered with it too, but his better now, he's no way as bad. Thank god, I don't know what we would do if something happened to him. Or any of the members, I can't imagine how the rest of SHINEE were feeling. So empty without him.

But I know he's up there, along with my grandmother. I hope he's happy there, free of all the pain he was feeling. He deserves to be happy, everyone does, no one should have to go through what he went through.

He's safe in heaven. So's my grandmother, other friends who sacrificed their life because of the same pain Jonghyun was feeling.

I've lost so many recently, and I want to let you know that we're not alone. If you suffer with depression yourself, you know someone who is, or if you've lost someone close to you. You should know that you aren't alone, other people feel the same way and there are people who are there to help you. Make sure you feel loved and accepted in this harsh, cruel world. There is so much hate in this world and I want everyone to be happy, kindness is hard to find but there are people who are there for you, who never know where those people may be. You're family and friends are always there for you, and make sure you are there for them too. But I want you to know that we are here for you. Me and all the other members of Bangtan, we love you all so much and we can't thank you enough for how you have helped us through everything. So we want you to know how thankful we are, how much we care for you and we want the best for your safety and happiness.

If we can make at least one of you smile, then I'm happy. Your smile means the world to us all and your happiness if the most important thing.

Whenever you are sad, having a bad day, just remember we are here for you, through every step of the way.

Thank you ARMY for everything. For accepting me and being patient when I was upset, when I wasn't able to smile all the time, when I didn't have the strength. I found the strength you gave to me and we fought through the sadness and our pain together. Because we are one team. We aren't just idols and their fans, we are a unity, an army.

And I purple you. 💜

A/N: Everything I said, about people being there for you, its all true. There are people out there who will be there for you, who will make you feel loved. Just remember, BTS are always there for you, and there care about your happiness.

I'm always here too, I care about your happiness. If you feel sad, and like you have no one to talk too, I'm here. Don't struggle alone. 💜

Even if you aren't feeling particularly down, I'm here anyway to talk too 😊

I purple you 💜

Also, disclaimer: I don't have experience with depression, I don't have it myself, I have friends who have it but they don't talk about it much. I don't know exactly how they feel, but I can only imagine. Sorry if anything I wrote is extremely unrealistic, that people with depression don't actually feel like that. I just tried to write how I think they would feel and from what I've heard. 😕