Soulmate Marks AU

284 7 10
                                    


Warnings: Blood, Mentions of suicide, Depression

I woke up to a sharp pain in my arm, I glanced over to the clock on my bedside table and saw it was currently 2:43 in the morning. I reached out for the lamp and blindly fumbled for the switch until I was able to turn it on. I shielded my eyes from the bright light trying to let my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness.

I was reminded why I woke up when I feel another pain in my arm. I held my arm out to the light of the lamp and released a soft sigh. Another cut was being added to the collection that was already on my arm. My soulmate was depressed and I have no way to help them, I know this. I just wish there was something I could do to help them.

I mean i'm not much better myself, sure I don't cut but that's because I don't want my soulmate to be more stressed than they already are. I try to be very careful when moving, making sure I don't accidently hurt myself so that my soulmate doesn't have to feel anymore pain.

Though for me there was no blood coming from the cuts I could still feel my soulmate in pain from the open wounds. I leaned over my bed and opened the draw to my bedside table grabbing a small bottle of neosporin and the roll of bandage wrap.

After the first time my soulmate cut themself I started keeping medical supplies nearby. I remember how scared I was when it first happened. I was only in six grade when it first happened, a nice clean line showed up on my left wrist. I tried to convince myself they had just cut themselves on accident but the more they appeared the more I couldn't deny the truth.

I carefully spread some of the ointment onto the cuts, hissing a bit when it burns but sighing in relief when the pain starts to leave. I take the bandages and slowly wrap them around my arm, it sort of looks like i'm wearing a cast. I put the supplies back into the drawer and close it softly. I reach over to the lamp and turn it off and slowly, careful of my arm, lay back in my bed.

I try to go back to sleep I really do but thoughts of my soulmate plague my mind. They've been hurting for such a long time I just wish I could help them. How am I supposed to help them when I can't even help myself. I felt tears drip down my face and land on my bed, but I couldn't be bothered to stop them. I had curled up into a ball pulling my sheets tight around my body holding onto them like a lifeline. I stayed in that position eventually tiring myself out with my racing thoughts and finally falling asleep.

I stormed out of my house, correction old house and made my way over to my old beat up truck. I threw my duffle bag into the back seat slamming the door shut and stomping my way over to the driver's seat. I opened the car door and almost immediately the smell of smoke hit me but I brushed it off and got in the car. I forcefully shoved my keys into the ignition and started up the car.

Without even putting on my seatbelt I had already blasted down the street and away from the house. I don't know where i'm headed but I plan to get as far away as fucking possible. Away from Larry yelling at me and Zoe's hateful gaze anytime I breath and mom pretending everything is okay when nothing is okay. This is what they want anyway, Larry said so himself during our last argument.

I let out a breathy laugh which sounded more like a scoff, I bet he'll be shocked I actually listened to him for once. I bet he's throwing a party in celebration of me leaving his house forever. I finally looked around to see where I was since I just drove off without having a plan. I had unconsciously driven to an old field I use to go to as a kid. It was filled with flowers and trees reaching the sky, it's one of my favorite place to go when I need an escape.

I slowed my car to a stop in the dirt lot that was used as a parking lot, no one else was here. I just sat in my car letting everything that just happened sink in, Larry had actually kicked me out. He always threatened to do it but I didn't think he hated me enough to actually do it. I screamed, I couldn't stop myself I was so frustrated, I banged both of my palms against the steering wheel. No one else is here, it's just me, just me, no one else is here. I felt tears cascade down my face, hot angry tears and I only hated myself more for crying.

I grabbed my keys from the ignition turning off the car and getting out of it. I all but threw the car door open to get to my duffle bag. I wildey dug threw my bag looking for a certain item, I finally felt my hand grasp around a small felt bag. I stuffed it into my hoodie pocket and closed the door and started walking into the forest not bothering to lock the car since I wasn't planning on coming back.

When I felt I was finally deep enough into the forest I walked over to a large oak tree and slid down to the ground. It was still bright out when I left the house but now the dark of night was starting to creep in. I just sat against the tree, staring at the sky and I realize I'm not angry anymore and i'm not sad. I don't really feel anything anymore, Larry was right to kick me out, hell I would kick me out.

I knew I was spiraling but I can't stop, I just let death's thoughts consume me. I'm not sure when it happened but I had grabbed the pouch from my pocket and was now just holding it. I opened it to reveal a singular razor blade, slightly tinted red with how much blood it's been covered in. I kept it in the bag to hide it since after my first attempt I wasn't allowed to have razors on me anymore.

I grabbed the razor and let the bag fall to the ground, I just fiddled with the razor twirling it between my fingers, admiring how something so small could do so much damage. I pulled up my hoodie sleeves and stared at the art on my arm. I traced my finger over all the scars feeling how some were old and more faded while others were enough they still stung when I touched them.

I brought my hand over to my arm and just felt the cool of the razor against my skin. Slowly I dragged the blade across my skin watching the blood immediately come rushing out. I smiled a bit at that happy to feel something even if it was pain. The process continued until most of my arm was covered in blood and finally I felt ready.

I turned the razor so the tip was at the top of my arm and let out a shaky breath, once I did this there was no going back. I dug into the skin deeper than I had ever before and slowly dragged it down the length of my arm, cutting into the vein. Blood started rushing out in and endless flow there was too much blood it covered my arm and was dripping onto my clothes but I was done yet.

I shakily grabbed the razor with my blood soaked arm and got ready to slit the other wrist before I passed out. I felt a sudden rush of worry crash into me from my soulmate, by now they knew what I was planning to do. I pushed them away and went back to the task at hand when I saw something start to appear on my arm.

Thin lines were showing up in a sort of pattern until they stopped and when I saw what was on my arm I couldn't stop the tears that finally fell down my face. My soulmate had cut a heart into the skin not deep enough to bleed but enough to be noticable. I sob escaped my throat and I released the razor from my grip.

I don't know why i'm crying, I was ready to die so this shouldn't affect me as much as it does. I could feel my body shaking as I cried, there are so many tears in my eyes I can't even see clearly all I see is red. The blood was still pouring out of my arm and if I wasn't wearing black it could be seen over all of my clothes. I took off my hoodie and wrapped it around the arm like a makeshift cast.

I felt something tonight, something that wasn't pain, I felt loved. 

That was more depressing then I intended, whoops. Also who else loves some p.o.v. changes and time skips, just me? I'll leave now.

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