woMan Up (frerard)

Chapter 17

Btw the whole tumblr part in this chapter all comes from actual tumblr posts so just wanted to input this here because these are all things that have actually been said and posted (you'll understand when you read this chapter)

~~

I knew I had to get dressed but I just didn't really want to get out of bed. Food was cooking out in the kitchen and Gerard has already tried to get me out of bed twice now. I finally dragged myself out of bed and pulled off Gerard's big t-shirt, which I had worn to bed. I glanced at full length mirror and frowned, covering it with  a blanket just so I wouldn't have to look at myself.

I grabbed one of my bras and put it on, putting in the inserts. I went to the bathroom and used the toilet and brushed my teeth before pulling on a t-shirt and some sweatpants. I went out and Gerard gave me a soft kiss.

"Hey, Babygirl, good morning," he said.

Gerard handed me a small glass of water and set down my estrogen pills. I let out a tired whine but still swallowed the medication.

"You okay?" Gerard asked.

I nodded, sitting down. Gerard handed me a plate of food and I ate quietly.

"Baby, is something wrong?" He asked as he sat beside me.

I shook my head and ate a few bites before I pushed my plate away. I curled up on the couch in front of the tv and Gerard went to the bedroom to get dressed.

"Baby, did you cover up the mirror?" Gerard asked as he walked back out.

I whined and felt the couch shift as he sat next to me.

"Babygirl, are you having one of your bad days?" He asked.

I nodded and he pulled me into his lap.

"It's gonna be okay, Babygirl," he whispered. "Do you wanna just cuddle and watch tv?"

I nodded and he kissed the top of my head. I sniffled, wiping my eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm feeling so sad and emotional right now, I-I don't know why I am, I'm the happiest I've ever been," I mumbled.

"You don't have to apologize," he said. "The hormones are gonna mess with your emotions, the doctor told you about this."

"Yeah but I didn't think it would be so much," I said. "And looking in the mirror at myself just makes me sad because I just hate myself and I fucking hate my body and I wish that I just had real tits rather than silicone ones and I wish I didn't have a dick between my leg. But I'm happy that I've been so sad all my life and I'm glad that now I finally know why I've always been so sad and felt so different. I have a reason and I can start changing that so I'm not sad but I just wish that I could've been born a girl because then everything would just be so much easier and happier."

Gerard ran his fingers through my hair and I sniffled as I looked up at him.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I know how hard it is and I wish that you didn't have to go through all of that."

I held his hand, giving it a soft kiss. Gerard turned on some movies and I sniffled as I watched the screen.

"Did Lindsey go through this too?" I asked.

"Of course she did," he said. "It's called body dysphoria."

I nodded but I didn't really know what dysphoria meant. We were both quiet and I was thankful for that as my head laid in his lap and he ran his fingers through my short, dark hair.

"How long do you think it'll take for my hair to grow out?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "Maybe we can try some of those products."