woMan Up (frerard)

Chapter 20

I stood in the mirror sobbing, my whole body shaking as my cries wracked through me. I ripped up all my dresses, throwing my makeup  into the trash. I didn't need any of that, I couldn't have any of that. I wasn't a girl, I was a boy and I had the dick to prove it.

I picked up an electric shaver, turning it on and running it over my head. Hair fell down onto the ground around me, all of it that I had been trying to grow out for so long now. I looked at my new buzzcut, my eyes watering. Boys have short hair. I'm a boy. I have to have short hair too. I couldn't be a girl. I couldn't. I'm not. I'm a boy. A boy. A boy.

"Sweetheart, don't do that," someone said softly.

I looked in the mirror and gasped when I saw my mom standing behind me. She seemed so peaceful, a soft smile on her face as she was dressed in a soft white dress.

"Mommy," I whimpered.

I fell into her arms, crying into her shoulder. Her arms wrapped around, arms I hadn't felt in years. I missed it, the loving comfort that I could only get from a mother. A mother that I had lost so long ago and missed so much it made my heart ache.

"Mommy, take me with you," I sobbed. "I-I can't do this anymore. I can't do it."

The inner turmoil was eating me away, I couldn't stop the tears that were falling from my face. It was like I was drowning and I couldn't stop. Every second there was more and more weights being added onto my ankles. Gerard was the only one able to take the weights off but he wasn't able to keep up with how fast they were being added. For every weight he took off, two more were added. And it was too much now. It was too much. I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it.

"I've always wanted a daughter," she said quietly. "And I got the best daughter ever. A beautiful, beautiful girl. You're my little girl."

I looked up at her, my eyes watering.

"I-I am?" I asked.

"Yeah, you're so beautiful," she whispered. "You're my beautiful little girl. I love you so much. I couldn't have asked for a better child. I wish I was there to go shopping with you and to help get your hormones and teach you how to do your makeup and how to style your hair and teach you how to prevent panty lines from being seen under dresses or tight pants and all the other little womanly tips that I know."

"I-I don't wanna be trans," I whimpered. "It's too hard, I don't wanna be this way. I just want to be normal. I need to be normal, I just can't do this anymore, I can't."

"You are perfectly normal," she said. "And you are my beautiful little girl and I am so proud of you. I know it's hard but you're one of the strongest people I know and you're gonna do so much with your life. You're a beautiful girl and you're gonna be so happy with Gerard. You're my beautiful, beautiful daughter and I love you so much."

I sobbed, shaking my head as I buried my face into her shoulder. The weights were pulling me down, every second they grew heavier. My heart was aching and I thought I could almost feel it actually sagging with pure agony.

"I can't do this" I cried. "I don't wanna do this anymore. It's too hard. T-take me with you, Mommy. I-I don't wanna live anymore, I need you. Mommy, please."

My mom gently ran her hand over my hair, my newly cut hair.

"You don't have to ruin all of your clothes and makeup," she whispered. "You're a girl. You don't have to listen to what anyone else says because there is absolutely no changing who you are. You're a sweet, sweet girl, you're my little girl."