jace

February: Quality Time and Honest Attempts

thursday

I got a new psychiatrist that day, her name was Dr. Cassandra Wilson and she was wearing jeans. She looked quite comfortable in her own skin, with thick kinky hair piled stylistically on her head. Eli had hand picked her after he and Courtney searched for a psychiatrist that they both agreed on. She'd apparently recieved great reviews and was the top of her class in medical school.

"What do you think about your parents' divorce?" She asked. She wasn't armed with a pad or eyes that seemed to be watching too intently, it felt as if we were having a genuine conversation. Pushing at the floor with sneakered feet she teetered back and forth in her chair as she patiently waited on my answer.

I shrugged, "I don't like it, but I understand it."

She nodded, "Do you think your mother's to blame?"

I thought about this for a minute or so, because the answer to that question seemed to fluctuate. There were times that I blamed dr. carmichael for ruining everything with what he'd disguised as good intentions. And then there were times that I blamed my mother for not talking to my father. Instead of voicing these thoughts I just shook my head, "No, not really."

"What about the doctor's?"

I shook my head, "No."

She looked puzzled, "Who do you blame?."

"Myself, mostly."

"Why?"

"Lots of reasons, too many to count."

She frowned, "jace, it's not your fault."

Blaming myself really was the most rational option when I thought about it. I was always the one that pushed my parents to their limits, frustrating them one way or another. I was always the one that they argued over, I was the one that didn't stop my mother when I had the chance, all fingers pointed in my direction.

But I knew Dr. Cassandra Wilson wouldn't understand, they never do. So I just nodded and said, "You're right, I don't know what I was thinking."

wednesday

"jace you have to drive faster than this," Eli said, eyeing the speedometer. "The limit is 45 and you're only doing 20."

"Is that why people are honking?"

"That is why people are honking."

I nudged the gas pedal a little harder, feeling the minivan speed up just a bit. I was driving slow on purpose. I prefered being honked and yelled at by angry strangers than spending an awkward weekend with my mother, though both were going to happen no matter what I did. I had only agreed to spend alternating weekends with my mother because of Dr. Cassandra Wilson and Eli, they both thought that a motherly figure was imperative. I begged to differ.

I pulled into the driveway of what I considered my old house and put the minivan in park, staring up at the two story home.

"Are you okay jace?"

"Define okay."

"I know you don't want to do this, but it's in your best interest. And I really appreciate you having a good attitude about it."

I couldn't talk my way out of it then, because he appreciated my attitude. Which meant that if I tried to get out of it, he wouldn't appreciate my attitude. So I got out of the minivan and walked into the house where my mom was watching a soap opera and eating popcorn and I wondered how she was going to keep the house since she didn't have a job.

She smiled, "Hi jace."

"Hi."

"Do you wanna watch TV with me?"

I shook my head, "I wanna go home."

And then she frowned, and I knew that if Eli was there he'd be telling me to try. Try to get along, try to be reasonable, "try because she's your mother jace."

"But I guess I'll sit with you." So we sat on the couch and watched a show full of dramatic breaths and steps and turns and I didn't hate it, not entirely anyway.

friday

I invited Elizabeth over because I was gonna be spending Valentine's day with my dad and I didn't want her to change the color of her nail polish because of me. So we sat at the kitchen table eating fruit and doing homework--I was doing homework at least.

Elizabeth grabbed a file folder from my bookbag and opened it, frowning at the forms she found inside. "What's this?"

I looked up, "Early commencement forms."

She frowned, "Early commencement?"

I nodded, "I'm graduating early." My GPA was high, the third highest in the junior class. Principal Duvall shoved the early commencement test in my hands and made me take it. I didn't think it was important, not immediately anyway.

Her mouth dropped open and she stared at me with something that looked like disbelief written across her face. "jace."

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"Because it didn't come up until now. I'll just be skipping second semester next year...are you upset?"

She closed the folder and took a deep breath. "No, I'm just taken off guard, I guess." She put the folder back in my bag and sighed, "What am I gonna do without you in school with me?"

"You'll still have Jacob and Garrett."

"Yeah, maybe."

"I wont be moving or anything, you can always come over or email me or something."

She nodded, "Yeah."

saturday

"How's your food jace?"

I looked up at my father and shrugged, "It's good I guess."

He nodded and turned back to his own food, a grilled cheese sandwich and hot vegetable soup.

My father rented a two bedroom condo and furnished it completely, but it didn't really look lived in. It looked more like a display for furniture and linens.

"I wanted to apologize to you jace."

"For what?"

"Anything that I might have said to you, anything that hurt your feelings. You have to know that I didn't mean it." He ran his hands through his hair and he looked tired all of a sudden, like he hadn't slept in sixteen years.

"I do Dad."