jace

January: First Kisses and Low Decibles

monday

It seemed like I'd started seeing Elizabeth more after she'd stopped talking to me. She popped up in the hallway and the parking lot and everywhere that I was. She avoided me completely, she wouldn't even look at me if she could help it.

I emailed her that night

Elizabeth,

I could apologize one million times without accurately expressing my guilt. I'm sorry for hurting you. I know that this doesn't mean much to you, but I felt the need to send it anyway. I think that is because I don't want you to relapse, I don't want you to feel alone again. I'll always be here if you need me. Always.

jace

tuesday

I made a mistake

Alana met me outside of the band room right before practice started, I could tell by the look on her face that I was in some sort of trouble.

"How come we've never kissed?" Her hands were on her hips, making her body look completely angular and I didn't realize it until then, but that wasn't something that I liked.

"I don't know."

"Paris kisses her boyfriend."

I nearly laughed, because she sounded just like one of the girls in the weird drama shows that Courtney used to watch all of the time. And I wanted to point out that the only Paris I knew was a city in France and that I wasn't (technically) her boyfriend, but I didn't have the capacity or the time to get yelled at.

"Okay."

"So, are you gonna kiss me?"

"Now?"

"Yes."

I was suddenly aware of all of the people going in and out of the band room and her light brown eyes on mine. She grabbed me by my shirt and yanked until our lips met. And it was awkward and my eyes were wide open and it wasn't at all how I thought my first kiss would go.

When she relinquished me her cheeks were red and she was smiling, then she said goodbye and trotted down the hallway.

I entered the band room and received several pats on the back and the usual glare from Seth and I felt like my stomach was in my shoes, being crushed every time I took a step. And then a huge wave of guilt washed over me, because I was positive that I should've used my only first kiss on someone else.

saturday

"Courtney, I have a question."

"Why don't you ask Elijah?" she said, surfing through the TV channels.

I wasn't sure whether she was kidding or not, so I answered honestly. "Because he's at practice."

"That's very reassuring jace."

"I'm not sure if that was sarcasm or not because I really don't understand it. Are you mad at me?"

She sighed, "No, what's up?"

I sat next to her, "Elizabeth is mad at me."

"What happened?"

I told her about Elizabeth's questions and Alana's random appearance and how I'd wasted my first kiss on a girl that I didn't even like.

"You kissed her?" Suddenly the TV was the least of Courtney's worries.

"Yes...did you not hear me the first time? Do I need to speak up?"

"jace-"

"HOW'S THIS?"

"Knock it off, or I'll dip your hand in water while you're sleeping."

"I thought-"

"I don't know what you want me to tell you jace. You messed things up, you need to find your own way of fixing it."

"But i don't know how."

And then Courtney and I weren't talking anymore, she was watching TV again and pretending not to notice my presence.