jace

February: A Valentine's Relapse

tuesday
"Good afternoon jace." Mr. Searly was cleaning his chalkboard when I came in. He'd gotten disinfecting wipes and was wiping the board clean over and over until the entire room smelled like artificial lemon scent.

"Hello."

"That's a nasty fracture." He sanitized his hands before grabbing his lunch box and settling in across the table from me.

"Yup."

We'd gotten into the habit of trading lunches, I'd give him apples and he'd give me grapes--they weren't allowed in the house, my father was allergic. I made sure to bag the apples four times and he only bagged the grapes once--putting them in a totally seperate part of his bag for safe keeping.

Mr. Searly began debagging the apples, "I fractured my finger once."

"How?"

"My friend ran over it with his car."

"Oh."

"It was a dare."

"That's...a little stupid Mr. Searly."

He laughed and said, "It's a lot stupid jace."

"Yeah, it is."

And he told me that things change when you've injured yourself. It makes you more visible to the world. And it reminded me of the way that pople I didn't even know were asking to touch my splint and staring at me as I walked past them in the hallways. And I came to the conclusion that humans are just drawn to chaos and confusion. If we can find one thing that is half as ruined as we think ourselves to be, then we can live happily. We take refuge in the fact that we're not as bad as it gets and we neglect to realize that things can always get worse.

thursday
"I'm proud of you jace."

"Thank you."

"...Do you know why?"

"I've made a lot of accomplishments, I just assumed you were picking one."

Dr. Carmichael was beginning to change and I don't think he knew that I noticed, I don't think that he even noticed it himself. He'd started wearing ties that  didn't look like black snakes around his neck and he'd started gelling his hair and organizing his desk with more care. I would have asked him about it, but he didn't like answering my questions very much.

"Well, I was talking about fracturing your nose last week. You didn't panic, you didn't have an episode."

"We're always told not to panic in situations like that, it would've been irrational to do so."

He flinched as I pressed my finger to the exposed part of my nose. "You probably shouldn't touch it."

"It's just that, applying pressure makes the constant pain easier to bear." I didn't think it wise to take painkillers and Dullinathol.

"jace."

"Yes?"

"You haven't had an episode since December, I think that's something to be proud of."

"I suppose so."

"You suppose? Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because...I think about relapsing all the time."

I overheard Dr. Carmichael talking to my mom after my session, he told her to bring me back immediately if I talked about relapsing anymore, and I didn't understand why. I only thought about it. I thought about how slow things were with the Dullinathol. And how terrible it was not to remember and how glorious it was to forget and how much ambivalence sucked.

But I wouldn't actually flush my pills like I'd done in August, I knew that my schizophrenia was only bearable when the Dullinathol was in my system. I knew that if I ditched it, my mom would start wearing ponytails again, and both my parents would have to take a third honeymoon to a place farther than London to forget how badly I'd screwed up. And Courtney and Eli would look after me while they were gone and I would be disrupting the lives of my friends and teachers and I couldn't just disappear without an explanation, not a second time. So, I wasn't going to relapse. Ever.

wednesday
Valentine's Day had always been a tradition I didn't understand. My father told me that it was a day to "show your spouse how much you love them." I asked if you were supposed to do that anyway, he told me to be quiet and pick a bouqet for my mom.

I picked a combination of red, pink and white roses and when he gave them to my mom she squealed and cried and made a really big dinner that night. And I wondered how long it would take for my parents to start arguing again.

Elizabeth emailed me that night.

Happy valentine's day! can't you smell the love in the air jace? my parents are out to dinner right now so im watching tv specials. wanna be my valentine? ive never had one before but i figured that since you were my first friend you could be my first valentine too. theres a first time for everything right? reply soon okay?

 

Elizabeth,

I don't really understand Valentine's Day, it's irrational and just doesn't make sense to me. I can be your valentine if you want, though I'm not really sure what the job entails so I probably wont be very good at it. If I have to buy you flowers or something, it'll have to wait until I get my allowance.

I'll talk to you soon.

jace