Me and My Thoughts on Literally Everything

So What Now?

you know, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. (what else is new?). 

I considered two people to be rather close to me, borderline best friends, and I don't know how I didn't realize it sooner, but for some reason, now is when it starts to hurt a lot. Now being when it first fully hit me.

I guess you could say they'd only talked to me when it was convenient for them. And when they'd hang out, i wasn't aware. i wasn't invited. sure they'd said, "you should come with us!" to which i had to decline because i hadn't been able to, i was busy that weekend, but that was after they had to postpone it. 

and that was the only time i was somewhat invited. 

I assume y'all know what thats like, I'm not trying to insinuate that you have friends that do that, but i mean like, at one point or another it might've happened to you guys too, thats all I'm trying to say. 

Sometimes i wish i could pull an Eliza and burn everything that they've said to me, but a) i wouldn't be allowed to set things on fire and b) i don't have any letters from them. i could always print out texts they sent me though, and shred them or rip them or something. i don't know. 

i wanna do that now but I'm about to go shopping.

so the years that i thought i finally found someone i clicked with are gone. and I'm overreacting and overthinking, i know that already, but it doesn't help. it doesn't help the fact that i want to help the world, that i wanna do something to change the world. 

ill just have to survive two years with no one to talk to at school. I'm making it sound worse than it is. at least this way i can make myself focus and study. 

so, i will probably pull an eliza when i get home from shopping. the world has no right to my thoughts, my trust. If i have to close the door to who i really am, so be it. if thats what it takes to protect myself, ill do it. because you better believe I'm tired of people who i can't trust.