Aeviternal

15

I watched as Robbie loaded in my suitcase into the car, my mother stood in front of the red door which led us into our home. correction,  

                                                                                                      her home.

this was never going to be my home not like it once was, never again. i sighed, the morning was chilly and rainy, i could smell the pine trees around me, robbie shut the trunk with a loud huff and then turned around and looked at me. 

"all done"

I nodded and looked over at mom who had a few tears streaming down her cheeks already, I felt guilty for leaving her alone during this difficult moment, realizing this would be the first time she would be alone since dad passed away. I walked up to her and engulfed her in my arms.

soon enough tears ran down my own cheeks as I held her tighter, I didn't have anything else to say so I indulged in our silence, moments that we rarely had , soon we felt Robbie body press against us as he too joined in our hug. 

"be safe my children"

she muttered as we slipped out of each others grasp. i nodded and held onto her hand 

"ill call when i board the plane and when i arrive and call me mom, call me at 5am or at 11pm, just call"

i assured her, knowing her pride sometimes got in the way of our mother/daughter relationship. she nodded and smiled, robbie engulfed her into anothe hug before we both got inside the small kia, i buckled my seat belt as robbie pulled out the drive way.

i looked out the window as the pine trees and similar homes passed by, i sighed, there was an empty feeling in my heart, half because i didnt want to leave mom and half because i didnt want to leave

HIM

"are you okay?" Robbie asked taking his eyes off the road for a second and placing them on me.

-

i pulled away from his lips hesitantly, i moved quickly , backing away completely from his warm body where mine fit perfectly.

"im sorry" 

i muttered, he had sadness in his eyes, guilt built itself in my gut and i wanted to scream, i felt my eyes water and my throat run dry, admitting to myself that the man standing before me would never be mine.

"kataleah-"

"no, i cant......i cant ruin your happiness anymore, im done being selfish for my own happiness, you had to build a marriage out of scratch because of me, you were the talk of the town for years and all i did was leave and let you deal with the broken pieces, as much as we want this to be okay, we will never be ok"

i whimpered, as tears viciously ran down my cheeks, he became smaller with each word i said and i was afraid he would soon crumble in front of me. 

"you cant blame yourself for things that we both did, you think if i loved Patricia i would have pushed the line with you, do you think if i didn't love you, i would risk my entire career and reputation like that, its wrong but it felt right"