Gone But Not Forgotten

Ch 8 - Compartment

Mary twists my hair into an elaborate bun on top of my head. She pulls a sea-foam green dress over my head, and prims the ruffles until they fall around me like waves. The sleeves are elegant and short and the v-neck neckline accents my oceanic appearance. I have only glanced in the mirror once, and the image of myself will forever be implanted in my mind. I look innocent and charming on the outside, but fierce and untamed on the inside.

The Selected boys are arriving at the palace today. We don't get to see them until dinner, though. The boys are like ghosts, implied but never there. It seems like nothing could pop our perfect families' bubble, except one of those boys.

* * * *

Maxon, Ahren, Kaden, of course, Eadlyn, and I all gathered in the Women's Room to watch the boy's province's farewell. Out of all the Selected boys, Edwin Bishop of Denbeigh's farewell was the grandest, while Fox Wesley of Clermont's farewell was the most sincere. We all took turns deciding who would win Eadlyn's heart (Eadlyn was silent with a scowl on her face for most of that conversation) and who Eadlyn was sending home first (she got a huge grin when Ahren mentioned Kile).

When Mary came in to remind us all that it was time to get ready for dinner, I pulled Eadlyn aside. I took a deep breath, and looked into her eyes, expecting to find anger or hurt swirling amongst their pits. Instead, I found confusion, to my immense surprise.

"What is it, mom?" Eadlyn asks impatiently. "I have to get ready to have dinner with the boys."

I blink, shocked that I have been lost in my thoughts for so long that it annoyed my daughter. I felt a flash of anger, and then regret. She's giving up so much for my happy ending, and I'm mad at her? My poor daughter...the burning sensation begins again, this time stronger and more consuming. I have to take a breath and calm down to put the fire out...still, it's not completely out...

"Mom? Are you alright? This isn't even your Selection, why are you frozen?" Eadlyn stares at me with concern. I shrug the burning into a tiny compartment in the corner of my brain. It's still there, but not front and center. "Mom? Do you want me to get Dad?" Eadlyn shakes me from my thoughts.

Finally, I clear my throat, "Sorry, sweetie, I was lost in my own thoughts for a second, please don't worry about me!" I mentally cringe at what Maxon would do if he found out. "I wanted to talk to you about Kile, Eadlyn. The Selection means so much to Mrs. Marlee. Seeing Kile with you, it's like our Selection all over again. This time, though, she wants to win."

Eadlyn starts to protest, but I continue, "Mrs. Marlee has also been feeling very guilty about staying in the palace when they aren't royals or part of the guard. By Kile being in the Selection, Mrs. Marlee feels that she deserves to stay in the palace, and that she isn't a burden."

Before I can continue, Eadlyn interrupts, "But Mrs. Marlee is practically a mother to me. She isn't a burden! Whenever I need help with budget cuts or had a question and Dad and you were busy, I went to her. When I couldn't figure out how to ride a horse with a skirt or scrapped my knee, I went to her. She took care of us for as long as I remember!"

It's my turn to interrupt. "I know Eadlyn, believe me, I know. But Mrs. Marlee still feels that way, and the only way to make her feel like she actually belongs at the palace is,"

"To keep Kile in the Selection as long as possible," Eadlyn matters under her breath, finishing my thought.

"Exactly!" I say pleased that she gave in so quickly. "But Eadlyn, pick who your heart is calling you to, not just Kile because I asked to, or Edwin because he has the people's hearts, or Ean because he has allies. The people aren't picking just anything, they're picking your future. They're picking who you will wake up next to each morning, the person who will help support the strain of running the country, the person who will give you a shoulder to cry on."

She nods once. "I understand, Mom. I'll try to get along with Kile, I promise."

"Thanks Eadlyn. Now, let's get ready for dinner before Mary calls the royal guards to force us to our rooms," I say with a small smile. She offers me one in return and walks out of the Women's Room.

I pause for a moment to catch my breath. The darkness subsides for a mere moment before coming onto me full force. I'm buried, I'm drowning, I'm dying in the darkness.

I lean hesitantly against the wall, or at least I think it's the wall. I can't let Maxon see me like this, I am strong enough to hold the stress I feel everyday.

My heart beats faster, straining to catch up with the wave of black threatening to overtake me. My head is pounding, a massive headache taking place with the blackness. The pain makes me want to cry out in agony.

And after what feels like a century, all at once, the darkness subsides, the pain fades away, my heart slows down. I open my eyes, concerned that some maid will be staring at me in horror, but to my delight, nobody is in sight. I pause and tuck the remaining darkness in an even smaller compartment in the back of my head.

I take the strands of hair that have fallen out of my bun and tuck them carefully back in, all while carefully inspecting my dress hoping for no signs of the incident. When my hair and dress are in a presentable manor, and my darkness is carefully monitored, I make a mad dash for my private chambers.

Once inside with the door firmly locked, I let the darkness overcome me once more.