a monday night 11:04pm
I am returning to tell you that I have uncovered the inevitable. I knew this would happen sooner or later. And I especially predicted it to be very dangerous right after graduation.
It is normal to lose friends or in this case people you can actually stand for once. But what I should be feeling after coming face to face with this is the utmost careless emotion.
Unfortunately that is not the case.
I care too much. In places that don't deserve my attention or despair. But I convinced myself that it is normal to feel that way.
They're only a few houses down and they both seem to run right past my house constantly. I knew once they had blended their lights that I wouldn't be enough to balance it out. I thought I was. But it became too much to keep up with. Instead of cooling the surface they had sizzled me up and tuned me out.
I'll tell you how I came across this discovery. It occurred to me as soon as I was deep into my fourth sip of sweet Italian coffee. The spoon still in the mug and a smaller being sat near me. She had been touching up the finishing bits of her working uniform. When she had casually mentioned two suns. She mentioned the two suns with a great big smile and a laugh to top off the sweetness of my coffee. I realized it had become a bit too sweet.
They had been enjoying the bigger of them outside of my house. Few yards away from my front door. They darted past with happiness in their wake. Spoken a simple joke.
But they didn't ask for me.
It may just be my fault. I pushed myself away. But it was only because I had always been the last choice. Least important yet the closest. It's embarrassingly depressing knowing that someone would choose to see the friend that lives three times the distance away than simply seeing me. Who is only three minutes and less away.
I should have been worried the moment I became the second choice. But at the time I had only been getting sadder. So I couldn't exactly focus on keeping them by my side. I was never much of an impact. Not enough to remember. Not enough to be asked if I was alright. But I was enough of a person to go to once they needed some help. And I, desperate for a bit of communication, did all I could to help the people that lit up the sadness. But in the end only their problems were solved.
This becomes more tragic. Because it did not all end in a dispute or disagreement. It did not end in hidden hate or jealousy but rather it ended with simply forgetting of me. I did not move to a different state or spend time with someone else. Yet I was still forgotten. Like some sort of T-shirt that was only appealing for a few months.
Should I blame anyone or anything. Or should I accept that I've only had myself this whole time.
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