tuesday, midnight 12:26
Heartache is harsh. Probably the most painful thing everyone has to deal with. The most comparable thing is the heartburn you feel after eating Chinese and chugging a can of coke.
It's inevitable. You can't really run from it or hide away but you can avoid it. By avoiding the kind of people who only tune into their own heads and not those around them.
Others opinions shouldn't matter. What people think of you or who hates you or loves you. People are people, and they are easily replaceable. Some shouldn't have had the honor of knowing you or seeing the tiniest glimpse of your raw person. They didn't deserve your time, your money, your effort, your tears and pain.
Because at the end of the day, they'll only fix what benefits them in the end. And if that's what keeps you around then they'll only do it for that reason.
But that would all be a lie. Everything they claim to have done for you was actually only done for themselves. It was to keep you around, and to not lose you. It was never because they wanted to.
And as someone blasts Ed Sheeran from outside my window and through the windows of their car I can't help but love, love.
I cant help but love the idea and feeling or whatever I had felt. Though I'm pretty sure it wasn't love. I admire the way people show it. The way the right people show it. The way my family and friends show it.
Through comforting awkward hugs and statements of them always being there for me. These sort of things are underrated. This form of love is the most important of them all. Because they all mean it. And they'll mean it when they're angry at you or when you're angry at them. They'll still hold that love for you.
That little bit of appreciation for your existence. It'll never disappear, it'll never fade. Even after they're long gone. The love they held for you will stay with you.
It makes me excited for the future and the present. I'm so happy to grow. I'm grateful for all the people I've met, for all the people I was centimeters away from loving so passionately. But things happen for a reason and fate is cruel but rewarding. What is not for me will simply stray away. And I hope to learn how to love multiple people. To drown in the arms of so many different humans and to give them a taste of what I can offer. I want to learn and meet and understand why someone may think a certain way.
I want to travel and fall in love with thousands of vessels. I don't want to be tied down and hidden from millions and millions of amazing people. Talented, hopeful, beautiful, male, female, both, romantic, stoic, broken, healing, insane people.
Eventually I want to settle down with that one person. I know they'll be exactly what I need. They'll fill up the holes I've fixed up and mold into me. The thought alone of finding my person one day or maybe rewiring something, but letting it happen with the hands of fate rather than me being desperate to fill a spot instantly extinguishes whatever sadness I felt.
It gives me enough motivation to better and prepare myself for them. I just hope he's the prettiest man I'll ever meet, or meet again.
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