saturday, midnight 12:45am
I haven't told you I loved you in awhile, it's probably been years. To be completely, utterly and starkly honest with you. I don't think I've ever meant it when I said it. So I want to tell you that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for lying to you. And making you feel special when you never really were to me.
I really am, or maybe I'm not. Maybe I just don't care. I don't care if this makes you woeful. But you yourself, don't care either.
You don't care that I care for you. You don't care that I want you to stop the warm water from staining your sweater. You'll only continue to abhor what you are. What I am.
How can you break your own heart. How does a human rip themselves into loose threads so so easily. Yet only feel blue once another does it.
You do it to yourself everyday. I do it to you everyday. You're probably already used to it. So much that you've become the breakage itself. The cracks and spills the taints the hate the envy the greed the altruism.
I watch you. Live but only live because you have to. Because you're too scared to end it. You stupidly still have some sort of hope that you're worth it.
I'm proud of you. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for handling everything on your own. You've always been strong. Let me do it now. You don't have to try now. I'll take care of you.
I'll love your battered body and mind. I'll love them both so much. So you won't have the need to have someone else do it for you. I swear to listen to you and be there for you.
You'll finally find what you've wanted. Slowly I'll stitch you back together with kisses and gentle hands. You'll only fall apart beneath me, in sighs of pleasure and happiness.
You'll stand tall in front of others. To others you are steel. Only to me, only to your own soul will you lay with your insides up.
I can't tell you that I love you now. I won't lie to you.
I want you to know that I will. I will love you and you will love me. I'll love you the most, you'll love me the most.
I promise you allison, I'll love you one day.
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