Curiosity Cures; Curiosity Kills

Just a fat old wannabe

Atypical Anorexia- for the failed anorexic

⚠️Trigger warning: Some content and discussion of difficulties in getting proper care may be triggering to some. ⚠️

"You are not your diagnosis" may be true but to a disordered mind that's simply unfathomable. What are you if not your eating disorder? What more is there to you than the numbers you are made up of? The further you get pulled in the sharper the focus on food becomes. If your whole world revolves around food, exercise and body size how could you possibly be anything else to other people? Tunnel vision takes over and your view on life and the world becomes warped. There's no way around that, the illness itself sets goals beyond your own control- deep down you don't want to be anorexic, yet you strive to obtain the very things that would gain you such a diagnosis as atypical anorexia screams almost- but not quite. A failure. Seems mad I know, how can you fail at such a thing but step into the mind of someone with an eating disorder- being thin is the goal. To be diagnosed with anorexia you have to be thin, oh so dangerously thin- the ultimate goal weight for many is simply unsustainable- a death sentence. Yet those suffering find themselves striving for exactly that. It's not that they want to die, not as such, just they want to be weightless, fragile- successful. Weightloss is something you can control, or at least that's what is believed. So when your body is pushed to the very edge and yet doesn't seem to shed the weight what do you do? The automatic assumption for someone with atypical anorexia is that they have failed. If others eat the same calories they do in a day then how comes they lose the weight, reach their goal, but they don't? They must be making an error, not trying hard enough or simply not be good enough.
The key question playing on my mind is what counts as "significant weightloss" Having lost a grand total of single digits of pounds in a year and a half of severe restriction it is questionable that I would even fit into atypical anorexia. Do I then not truly have an eating disorder? It is honestly a marvel that my body can virtually maintain weight (a perfectly healthy one at that). In the past year and a half my intake has been 'too low' for a significant period of time- resulting in an entirely shut down metabolism but alas not the weight loss you may expect. Que the questions of whether I can even count calories correctly. But I assure you I can- it is simply that my body's ability to survive on a minimal diet surpasses the 'norm'. Those symptoms often associated with low body weights? Let me tell you now they're not restricted to underweight BMI. Hairloss? Check. Irregular periods? Check. Exhasution/fatigue? Check. Muscle aches and pains, chest pains/tightness, dizziness? Getting worn out quickly and struggling to walk up stairs? It's all there. Everything but the low BMI. Your life is in danger but you can't possibly know. Waiting for that wakeup call that will most likely come when it's too late.
I'm scared but there is no physical proof that I even have an issue with food. Look at me- I'm "healthy". Eating disorders aren't about size- not to the sufferer. Yes the focus is upon our reflection- the number on the scale, yet really that's not the issue. It's a coping mechanism- a toxic one but it works. Why should it be quantified with you BMI? Starving yourself doesn't come from a simple teenage wish to drop a dress size- it comes from a deep rooted self hatred, a fear of life, a need to avoid feelings. It's a way of expressing pain and I'm not saying it's the same for everyone- we all have our own reasons, our own situation but I can say that it is not about weight. It's so so much more than that. Many suffers lose the weight and realise they're just as unhappy- if not more unhappy than they were before this started. Suddenly you realise this isn't a solution to whatever problems you didn't want to face, but by then it's too late. The illness has you deep in its grasp and the way out can't be seen.
Despite all this I still maintain I do not have a "true" eating disorder, maybe I have an issue- but my GP believed it could be solved by my simply eating more- my weight is fine so my mental state must be too right? I hope that one day I will be able to accept that it is true- you don't have to be thin to have a restrictive eating disorder, but as of yet the stigma surrounding it is too great, too ingrained and something needs to change. I just wish I had the energy and strength to change- to become okay- when all I want to do right now is starve. Nobody seems to understand my OCD- and I've been denied a July Discharge from the Adolescent Support Clinic. Life's a deck of cards and I've got a shitty hand; but I least I still have cards.