Jamilton oneshots

Sober

I know I promised smut but I just got really inspired by this song
It doesn't revolve around jamilton but the ship is implied
Tw: mentions of rape, drug and alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts
Alex POV
Time is an interesting thing, it gives and it takes,it causes joy and sorrow, It helps you and it ruins you at the same time
It's also tricky, it blurs together, it blinds you of perspective
I cannot recall when it all started, maybe it was after the hurricane, when the town was destroyed and I took refuge on multiple substances to avoid the decomposing bodies and the smell; or when my dad started drinking, beating me, raping my mother, when he left; maybe when my mom died and I started to lose hope; perhaps after I came to America and actually found people who cared
At the end it doesn't matter how it started, it still did
I got no excuses
For all of these goodbyes
Goodbyes are old friends of mine
Peter, my dear cousin, he wanted to help, he really did but he was deeper in the hole than me, overdose and a rope around his neck was his way out
Faceless foster parents who wanted to help or join, either way I always left
...John, I was high and drunk, I wasn't thinking and neither was he when he handed me those car keys, the crash was really bad and the drugs on his system didn't help
Call me when it's over
I don't want my friends to see me like this, I don't want my parents to see me like this, I don't want Thomas to see me like this
I had promised to stop
I was going so well
'Cause I'm dying inside
And it hurts, it hurts SO much , I want it to stop
Wake me up when the shakes are gone
What do I do when my hands are shaking while talking through the phone, my voice is trembling and my eyes are watering
And the cold sweats disappear
It felt so good in the beginning before the darkness started looming over me and the disembodied stares started glaring at me, before my body was covered in sweat and I just wanted to curl up and cry, before my conscience catches up
Call me when it's over
The fading memory of a 'not now, go away' whispered into the phone
And myself has reappeared
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I do it every, every, every time
I want to stop, I really do but falling back is so easy
It's only when I'm lonely
When I'm crying in my bed alone and my family and friends are not there, when Thomas doesn't hug me and whispers in my ear
'It's gonna be ok, I believe in you'
Or when he thinks I'm asleep and cries because he knows, he knows I'm destroying myself, he knows I'm destroying what we have, he knows I'm destroying our family
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try to fight it, but the voice in my head never fades away, the way it tells me that I'm strong just not strong enough, they I'm pretty but not pretty enough, that I'm not worth the trouble, that I'm replaceable, that as soon as I don't look pretty enough, as soon as I don't act perfect and I let the facade slip the people I love are going to leave me behind
The moments where it raises the volume make me wonder why I try, why I make the effort when in the end it won't matter
Sometimes I'm too tired, I want to let the will slip from my fingers
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
One attempt after the other, I fall and I stand up, I fall and I stand up I wonder how much it will take until I can't stand up anymore and no one bothers to pick me up
Just hold me, I'm lonely
I want someone to hold, to pick me up and tell me that they got me, that they won't let me fall, but the room is empty
Momma, I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
Oh momma, this is what got us into this mess initially, the alcohol in my dad's blood, i was doing so good mommy I promise I just, I-i i failed, I'm sorry I let you down momma please forgive me
Daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
My biological father doesn't care but my real father helped me, he cared and I stained his floors with alcohol and blood
To the ones who never left me
Lafayette and Hercules always took me out of the pit, they stayed with me in John's funeral, they stayed with me to keep me clean, Laff held me when I relapsed and dragged me to therapy even after I yelled and trashed around to stop him
Herc hid the bottles and looked out for me, he always checked in and scolded me when I did stupid things
We've been down this road before
How am I going to explain it to them?
'Guess what guys, I can't stay sober... I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess'
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I fell again, I'm sorry it seems useless to stick around I promesas I'll do better
I'm sorry to my future love
Oh Thomas what can I say to you? I was out of my head, I felt so lonely I wanted a body next to mine and he was there
For the man that left my bed
I don't even remember his name, muscles, rosy lips brushing against mine, tender touches, moans and groans that's all I got from him
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
And when the morning light hit me, when I woke up and saw you; hurt, regret and tears swarming in your eyes; when I remembered we had security cameras and realized you probably saw me giving myself away to another man, calling him things I only call you, showing him my weaknesses and pretending I was his to numb the pain
What was I supposed to say? Sorry is too used by now but I can't find another word to describe what I want to tell you
I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
The moment the headline was released 'writer Alexander Hamilton relapses
I knew thousands of kids who looked up to me lost hope, lost a dream
I wanna be a role model
Oh, my poor Phillip his dad is a wreck I want him to look up to me, but I know he would be following someone in a path set for destruction
But I'm only human
I'm weak, I'm flawed, I'm a human but that's no excuse, I know it's not and I still say it
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I was doing so well, I was clean I was happy, my relationships were going so well
I do it every, every, every time
But the single cup of wine turned into more, the joint became coke and I couldn't stop
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely
I need someone to let myself go but trust they will still hold onto me
Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
Mom, oh Martha I remember the late nights when you cradled me in you arms even when I was to big to hold me standing up, when you brushed my hair or grabbed my face and looked me in the eye making me promise I would stop, the AA meeting you accompanied me to because I wasn't brave enough to go alone
Daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
Oh dad you were there besides me through everything, you took no bullshit from me, the time where Thomas kicked me out, you sobered me up and told me to get it together because, because not everyone would stay to watch me break myself, because it hurt everyone around me, I told you it hurt me too
To the ones who never left me
Even burr and Madison helped me, they don't love me but they don't want to see me dead, so they help
We've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
I'm no longer clean, all those meetings and sessions of therapy are going down the drain
I'm not sober anymore
I watch myself in the mirror, I take in every wrinkle, every flaw but at the same time I take in the little things that help me see I can get better, I can change, I will change
I'm sorry that I'm here again
The hospital lights were blinding, the mattress was hard and the sheets were scratchy
I promise I'll get help
I looked at my phone as I typed the last digits of the phone number
"Hello I want to schedule a date with Dr. Ramirez... yes thank you"
It wasn't my intention
As I hung up Herc, Lafayette, George, Martha and Thomas entered the room
"I'm sorry guys, I swear I didn't mean to end up here... it was just a glass of wine"
Disappointment and sadness filled their eyes
"Sorry is not enough Alex" Thomas murmured "we trusted this would stop, we let you make decisions involving AA meetings and therapy, we trusted you"
I'm sorry to myself
Ashamed I looked down
"I trusted myself too"
WC: 1666 words