Jamilton oneshots

What did i do wrong?

I'm not proud of this , I could have done better, but it's fine I guess
By the way this is mostly vent about things that really happened and I wrote this while listening the song above, in real life we are girls but you get the story
(maybe some mild nsfw because we were strange kids, I believe she made me realize I was not straight , also angst)
TW: the characters are young (10-16), nasty thoughts, suicide thoughts/attempt
Thomas POV
He was my best friend, he was mine or so I thought, let's just start from the beginning
2007
My first day to the new kindergarten, I don't want to go, I miss teacher Rosa from day care but this school looks nice it has a backyard and a playground... is that a turtle?, oh my god it is!
No, focus Thomas you're here to make friends.
I walked to a teacher and pulled on her sleeve
"Miss" l put my hands down "where's my classroom?"
"Let me lead you there sweet heart"
She led me to a classroom full of other kids, they were all screaming and making a mess, all the tables were full except from a little one on the corner
"Here, I'm sorry you have to stay in the corner but another classmate will arrive soon ok?" I nodded slowly "oh, and call me Rosy I'll be your teacher"
I sat alone for another half and hour until a small boy with long brown hair and a big smile on entered the classroom, he came up to me
"Can I seat here?" I kicked the chair next to me so he could seat "thank you"
"I'm Thomas, you?"
"I'm Alex, can we be friends?"
"Of course Alex I would love to be your friend"
A couple years went by and we were on kindergarten 3, we were playing 'Star Wars' when suddenly Aaron burr a guy who had been bothering us approached us and pushed Alex to the ground
"Ha ha, you are small!" I got really angry, why would he hurt Alex? So I started crying "aww are you a cry baby?"
With tears on my eyes I grabbed some building blocks that sat on the floor and threw them at him as hard as I could
"Get away from him, I'll call the teacher!!!!" As he ran away I helped Alex up "are you ok?"
He nodded and stood up, that same day we were talking about who we liked
"You know? I want someone like Eric, my favorite princess is Ariel" he said "but I kinda like Angelica"
"NO WAY! Ariel is my favorite princess too" I looked down, embarrassed "and I like Angelica too"
"I know what to do!!" He slammed his hand on the table "we will marry her together"
"Yes! And we can live together too, that way we'll always be best friends!"
And we decided we'd chase Angelica around the yard to kiss her cheek,fun times
2009
It was Alex's birthday and we were talking about life
"Tommy, my parents got divorced" he looked at me sadly "I wanna see them together"
"What is divorce?"
"It's when mommy and daddy don't love each other any more and they don't want to be married"
He started crying and I hugged him until he calmed down and we kept playing around
That night when I was in my car heading home I thought to myself 'that is never going to happen to my parents' but when we got home they told me they would get divorced, that they loved each other but couldn't stay together
I understood how it felt for him
2013
We were playing that we were magical brothers that went to a school for wizards, and we had girlfriends
It was my turn to act as his girlfriend, we were under the bed in case his mom entered the room
"Oh mark, I love you so much" I said in a squeaky voice "can I kiss you please??"
"Of course- Hey Tommy what was her name?"
"Lily"
"Thanks Thomas- of course you can Lily" he grabbed my face and pulled me down, so we were laying on the floor, me on top of her "I love you too"
I lowered my head as we pretended to kiss, I buried my head in her neck kissing it a little, he intertwined his fingers inside my hair
"And let's pretend they did the dirty deed after that ok?" I said "and we can go swimming"
Alex pouted
"But it's not the same if we don't act" he grabbed my hands "please, then we go swimming"
"...Ok"
I put my hands on his waist as I kissed his neck, he slid his hands from my hair to my hips then he moved his head upwards
"Do something else" he whispered in my ear "you're supposed to be my girlfriend"
I moved my hand close to his hip
"And she squeezed it" i said timidly, it wasn't the first time we did something like this, we had done things more intense in fact, I don't know why I was so shy, maybe it was because I finally understood what's it really meant "like that?"
"No Tommy, it's okay if you touch you know?" He moved my hand and placed it on his butt "it's ok if we're only playing, we both know it's part of the game"
"And you don't mind me touching?"
"Of course not tommy, you're my best friend" he looked at me "besides, this way we don't have to say what we do cause we see it"
I squeezed his butt and laid him back down as I kissed from his jaw to his shoulder, then I placed mi hands on his inner tights and I bit his chest, he faked a gasp
"Lily I want you to be mine"
"I'm already yours mark" I muffled a laugh with my hand "I've always been"
I threw my head back dramatically ready to continue after my fake drama, but he pinned me down and squeezed my chest with one hand and my butt with the other
"Really?" He asked with a smirk "I just wanna make sure"
He 'fake-ripped' my clothes
"A-Alex Can we just pretend they did this part?" I looked at my side "I don't feel comfortable acting it"
"It's ok Tommy of course we can skip it"
And we played for a little longer before going swimming
2014
I had been thinking of me and Alex's games, before they were like normal playing but lately just thinking about them created a hot pit on my stomach, I wanted to see Alex again, it hadn't been the same since he changed schools, everything will come at the right time.
It's been almost 6 months since I last saw him, what if he forgot about me? No, calm down Thomas he's yours and you're his and you both know it, he's your only best friend and nothing can change that
I tried to remember everything i loved about him, his crooked smile, his small eyes, the way he used ribbons to tie his hair up, the little scar on his forehead from when he was a baby, the way he understood me, his mistakes... he wasn't perfect but he tried for me, and that was what mattered
His little lies 'I'm okay', 'it's alright', 'you don't have to worry', the time his mom almost caught us during one of our games 'I swear mommy, we're pretending to fight'...'It was my fault'  he was the nicest person I ever knew and the one who lied the most
But he thought so low of himself 'I did it wrong again', 'I'm such an idiot', 'you're way better than me', 'what did I do to deserve you?' Why was he so hard on himself?
* time skip to 6 months forward*
WE were broken but we were too scared to ask for help
"Alex!!" I ran to him and engulfed him in a hug "I missed you so much, I- i have to tell you something later"
"Tommy I missed you too" he pulled away "let's go to my room and you'll tell me there ok?"
I just nodded my head, feeling the knot in my stomach tighten as we entered the room and he closed the door behind him, I sat down on his bed and patted the spot beside me
"F-f-first of all I want to apologize" my voice quivered and he seemed worried "I-i tri- trie-tried to commit s-s-s-suicide, I took a rag and tried to hang myself, I-i swear I wasn't thinking and I feel so guilt-"
"I tried too Thomas, I don't want to go into detail but I understand" he wrapped his arms around me "did you ask to see a psychologist?"
"Yes"
"It will be fine" he looked at my eyes "you still have me, I will never leave you alone"
He was reckless, always looking for an adventure, always trespassing limits
He got hurt but he healed himself and when he couldn't, he found a way to ask for help while I died slowly in a corner, too scared of being a burden, even to him
His dad was an asshole and I couldn't help, always the same advices 'when my dad gets like that I look down and shut my mouth', 'don't look into his eyes, he gets worse' and basically 'submit to his will'
I was so stupid
2016
I was sending Alex a happy birthday text when a message appeared on my screen
'This user is not receiving messages at the time'
And so I wrote to him daily , knowing he wouldn't even receive the texts
'I miss you', 'I'm sorry', 'forgive me' plagued the unsend text, but the only question I wanted an answer to, the objective of it all was to know
'What did I do wrong?'
Present
Here I stand, a million years later (jk only 2 years later) looking at the mirror, not recognizing myself, looking down at my fancy shoes and expensive school, shiny uniform and beautiful classmates and knowing I'm not longer who I was, I'm a broken glass with shards from another person
His imperfections
His lies
This is not what I wanted, he was carved out of my heart with no warning, I just want to go back in time and rewrite the story, to correct my mistakes to get him back , to get the light and warmth that came out of the fire in his eyes
His messy attitude
The way he could be lonely and be happy
I tried to duplicate all of it to feel as if he was still with me, trying to fool myself
But I'm not who I used to be
What happened to the polite boy?, to the loving child who saw wonders in everything? To my innocent self?
He is gone, he left with Alex
Alex who made me realize I'm not straight
The Alex who took everything that I considered worthy
The Alex I admired
The Alex I trusted
Alex who broke his promise 'you still have me, I will never leave you alone'
The Alex I loved
Alex that owned my heart
The Alex I still love
The Alex that without a look or a word, that without his presence is still strong enough to ,make me wonder daily:
'What did I do wrong?'
A/n: thanks for reading, this kind of hurt to write anyways I love you guys, remember you are loved and needed and if you ever think of killing yourselves PLEASE get help nothing will get solved if you die I love you ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️
WC : 1996 words