My Creative Writing Journal

Scars

(I believe we had to write something about scars? Regardless, this entry is rather deep, kinda dark, and may not be well for the sensitive. There is no plot or story, just some of my background)

I'm not writing this for pity. I'm only truthfully answering a question. One of my worst scars is friendship. In the military, we moved a lot, so I never really had many friends to hold onto since who knows when someone's leaving again. The longest Air Force base I lived on was McGuire, New Jersey, where I had the chance to make friends. Though, of all the kids there, only one, who by this point is long gone from my life, was true to me. The others would, quite literally, love me one day, hate me the very next day, and repeat the cycle. When I finally moved to this town, I had a group of friends, but they always moved my stuff to the end of the table and never really spoke to me, so I left. Every friend after that, whether here or online, always ended up leaving or finding better. There have been too many times where I was the best friend, the #1, just to end up third-wheeling soon after. If I did find people, they had a tendency of not even wanting me around. Others judge me simply because they don't like my twin brother. My social anxiety has gotten so bad that, even though it hurts like insanity to be alone, I prefer alone over the fright of friendship. As I am here writing and reading this, I'm honestly terrified that everyone here just wishes I'd shut up and sit down. I like to believe that's not true, though. I like to have faith that I still have friends here. I thought I'd face this year totally alone, but then I found an amazing little group of friends to keep me company. I may never be able to express how truly grateful I am to have them, though I hope they understand my fears. I trust them, but I can't say I expect them to trust me or stick around in return. Not to doubt them directly, it's just what I grew up with.

(Short explanation: we were allowed to read our entries to the class, that's typically how we got graded, hence the "sit down" thing. Also, my social anxiety has gotten a lot better! I didn't really graduate with friends in my pocket, but I do have a few people who truly are blessings to me, and a few others I'd like to try and fix our relationship with. As for that group, I was a class or two above all of them, so we didn't really hold together with me in it, but I think they're still a thing)