bittersweet / fillie

loser

millie

6:01 am.
may 20th.
aka, the last day of senior year.
i'm not going to college, because i don't have enough money or motivation.
i'll probably die within the next decade anyway, considering my habits.

i shower, changing into the usual black leggings and a plain short sleeve black crop top that reaches the very top of my belly button.

i walk downstairs, and see my brother charlie eating a bowl of cereal at the dining room table.

charlie is my older brother, and best friend. it's always just been me and him from the start, and we went through everything together. he's only a year older than me, so we are very close.

we've gotten closer during the years, especially when dad died when we were 9 and 10.
mom became extremely different, all in bad ways. she started to drink heavily, and involved drugs into her lifestyle.

"hey mills." he interrupts my thoughts and chomps down on his frosted flakes.
"hey charlie."
i walk into the kitchen, and open the fridge. i grab a strawberry greek yogurt and a spoon, making my way to sit next to charlie.

"excited for the last day?" he asks, without making eye contact.
"i guess." i say, opening the lid to the small container.
"do you want me to drive you?"
"no its fine i can drive myself. thanks though."

charlie has been taking me to school on and off for the past month, because my anxiety has gotten worse by the week. all because the anniversary of dads death is coming up next month.

we sit in silence finishing our breakfast. i say goodbye and walk out the front door. the morning air washes my worries away.
i squeeze into my car, and drive off.

as soon as i get to the school, i see teens smoking around their cars in the parking lot, a couple seniors picking on a scrawny freshman, and a tall skinny boy with curly dark hair, with freckles spread out on his cheeks and nose like a constellation.

that's finn wolfhard, one of charlie's best friends. i don't know how charlie could be friends with someone like him, i personally think he's a bad influence. him and i never really got along, but we've managed to somewhat stand each other's presence.

he has been a really good friend to charlie, and that's just about the only thing i like about him.

•

i walk to lunch and sit in the cafeteria at a table by myself. i don't have friends anymore.
last year was rough for me.

i started to get into some serious drugs like heroine and cocaine, while constantly drinking and partying. i got involved with many guys, and had sex with almost every guy that i met.

when i realized that i was reminding myself of my mother, i stopped immediately.
it was too late to gain back the friends that i had, so i had to let them go.

i sit alone reading a book that i picked up from the library. i didn't feel like scrolling through my phone, because quite frankly, i don't care what other people are doing with their lives at the moment.

a majority of my senior class is heading off to college as soon as this week is over, and that is all that fills up my social media feed.