bittersweet / fillie

i told you

millie

"can we talk about how finn found you?"
charlie shatters the silence as we sit across from each other at the dining room table.

"i don't know." i start, staring down at my hands.
"millie."
my head looks up. his eyes are coated in tears.

i sigh, and begin to speak.
"i went to nics after we found mom. i needed a distraction." i admit.
"why didn't you tell me? i could've helped! you don't need to nearly kill yourself everytime you need a distraction!" he's yelling now, making me jump.

i deserve this.

"i'm so sorry charlie. i didn't want to hurt you." i'm crying now, but he scoffs and rolls his eyes, looking away from me.
"you have every right to me angry with me," i continue. "i shouldn't have done that."

charlie was the one to help me get over my addiction, and he visited me everyday in rehab. i understand why he's hurt by my actions.

he gets up from the table and walks past me, heading up the stairs.

my eyes widen when i remind myself.

he doesn't know about what happened between finn and i.

now is not the time to tell him, he's angry with me already.

i decide to text finn to meet me at the diner down the road from my house. i go upstairs and get in the shower, letting the warm water run down my back. i like showers, they seem to calm me down easily, and they help me think.

as soon as i'm done, i turn off the water and dry myself, wrapping my body in a pale pink towel.

i change into a faded tan polo shirt and rolled up the sleeves, tucking it into faded black high waisted skinny jeans with a vintage black leather belt. i slid on black combat boots after parting my hair in the middle, blow drying it and keeping it down.

i don't even bother saying bye to charlie, i don't think he wants to talk to me right now. i just feel like seeing finn.

finn

after this morning, i had a lot of time to think.

to think about millie.

i think i'm really starting to like her, but i don't think that it'll work out. she won't want to be with me.

and most importantly, i don't want to hurt her.

•

i change into grey pleated pants and tuck in a black t shirt. i put on my black framed vintage glasses, and slide on my checkered slip-on vans. i mess with my hair a little, putting it into place.

i jump in my car, and start to drive. my heart starts to beat faster to the thought of 'rejecting' millie. i really don't want to, but it's for the best.

i arrive to the diner, and i walk in to see millie in a booth by herself, sitting with a mug full of coffee, as she stares blankly at the seat in front of her. i awkwardly walk over, sitting down at the spot she was staring at. she jumps at my presence, and wipes her cheek.

was she crying?

we locked eyes for a split second, and her eyes were red and puffy. my eyebrows slightly knit together in sympathy towards her.

she looks away and onto her mug.
"hey." she lets out a shaky breath.
"hi." i say.

after a few seconds of silence, the waitress walks over with a mug setting it down, and filling it with black coffee. she gives a toothy smile and walks away.

i look up at millie again, who is staring at the table.

"millie?" i snap her away from her thoughts.

she jumps again.
"what's going on? is everything okay?" i ask.
"uh yeah sorry."

"i wanted to talk about this morning." i blurt out. she looks at me, worry in her eyes.
"yeah um, go ahead." she says.
"listen, i like you. okay? i like you a lot. but um..." i trail off, thinking of a right way of saying it.
"-you don't think it'll work." she finishes my sentence, making it sound like a statement, and says it nonchalantly.

i look at her with defeat, and she shrugs, taking a sip from her mug.
"i just don't want to hurt you." i say.
"i get where you're coming from, but every relationship ends in hurt. i wasn't expecting this-" she gestures her finger to me then her, "to happen. i mean you don't want to end up with someone like me. besides, i know people would give you shit for being with me anyway." she looks down at her mug, tracing the circle rim of it with the tip of her finger.

"that's not what i meant-"
"no it is, you just want to be nice about it. i'm not stupid, finn. i know how this goes." she cuts me off.
"no i promise it's not like that." i say defensively.
"then what is it like?" she stares into my eyes, with hurt in them.
"i-...it's just-..." i couldn't think of anything.
"see? i told you." her breath is shaky again, and she pulls out three dollars and smacks it down on the table before getting up and walking away from me.

i put a couple dollars down in a hurry, then i go after her. once i open the door, she's already in the car with a lit cigarette with her face flushed, as she starts then engine and drives away quickly without looking back.

way to go, finn.

____
i'm so tired