bittersweet / fillie

deep sleep

millie

last year my addiction was only for half of the year.

it didn't get as bad as you'd see on tv.
it was fairly easy for me to overcome my addiction.
but i'm falling back.

i sit in my room leaning up against the wall, with the song 'above and below' by the bravery blaring to create a distraction.

i'm tempted to grab the deathly drug that sits in my car, and use it.
if i don't, i'll go crazy.

you're so weak, millie.
you should have killed yourself when you had the chance.
you're such a fuck up.
what's keeping you here? your brother hates you, you have no friends, finn doesn't like you, your dad is dead, and your mother is just a year or two away from joining him.
just end it.
you don't deserve to live.

the voices won't go away.

i take my fists and hit the sides of my head while sobbing.

after a few seconds, i run out to my car like a maniac, grabbing the baggy full of white powder, the syringe, my lighter, and the same spoon i used as last time.

i run back into the house and up the stairs to my room, dropping the items on my bed. i then rush to the bathroom and grab the rubbing alcohol, and taking it to my room. i slam the door and lock it.

i frantically throw myself on my bed, shakily putting the white powder in the spoon. i clean the needle with a small cotton pad, and begin to light the spoon from beneath it. it soon becomes liquid and i use the syringe to soak it up. i forgot to grab my rope, so i just take a ribbon that was laying on my desk, wrapping it around my small arm. my hands shake like crazy putting the needle into the right spot.

i take a slow sigh as the drug enters my vein.
i lean back on my headboard, feeling the vomit travel up my chest. i puke it out onto my carpet, not caring about having to clean it up later. my limbs begin to become heavy, and i feel overwhelmed by the amount of weight i feel on my chest. my eyes remain half open, staring at the wall in front of my bed.

i slowly drift off into a deep, deep sleep.

•

my eyes slowly open to moonlight hitting one spot on my carpet. it's night time, and i groan.

i take out the syringe that remained in my skin. i scrunch my face up to the odd feeling. i hide the items under my bed, so that charlie won't find them. i take a deep breath, and walk out of my room.

i hear talking coming from downstairs.

"just talk to her, she'll understand." charlie says.
"i did, but she slipped away from my fingers just like that."

finn?

i roll my eyes, and walk back into my room. i grab an oversized mustard yellow t shirt and a fancy bralette, along with underwear that matched. i think i deserve to feel nice in something nice.

pathetic, right?

i get into the shower, standing still as the water runs down my body. i stare at the tile wall blankly, thoughts running through my head. my breathing becomes faster and before i know it, my sobs get the best of me. i sit down on the floor of the tub, while the water hits my head and face. i try to stay quiet, but my sobs echo throughout the bathroom, and probably the whole house.

"mills are you okay?" charlie asks, i can hear the concern in his muffled voice through the door.

"uh yeah i'm fine, sorry." i sniffle, getting back up and finished my shower.

after i put on my clothes i picked out, i look at myself in the mirror. my face is flushed and my nose and eyes are red. i roll my eyes at myself and head out of the bathroom.

i walk downstairs and see charlie and finn sitting on the couch, watching tv. i pause and look at finn, and he looks back at me. he knits his eyebrows in worry, and i press my lips together, walking into the kitchen.

i take an apple, and lean on my elbows on the counter. i scroll through my phone, as i take a bite. i look up and see finn walking in.
he walks past me, going to the fridge.

"i'm sorry." he says, without turning from the fridge.
"what are you sorry for?" i ask, taking another bite out of my apple, keeping my eyes on my phone.
"i'm sorry for making you do that to yourself."

my heart drops.

how does he know? did he see me earlier?

he seems to notice my confusion when he turns to face me.
"you were in your room for almost 5 hours with the door closed." he says.
"i could've been taking a nap." i say, shrugging my shoulders.
he furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head.

"why do you turn to that?" he asks.
"why do you care?" i ask defensively.

he scoffs, and walks out.

we're back to the old times.

____
there's like 3 people reading this haha thanks btw.

oh and let me know if i'm writing the "drug use" scenes somewhat accurately, bc i have no idea. i'm just going based off of shows that i watch lol.