Diary of a Peach

30 Day Writing Challege - Day 8

Day 8 - Share something you struggle with

Anxiety...

Anxiety both in general, and social anxiety.

To give you an example of social anxiety in my daily life, take yesterday for example.

My mom sent me into the store for a very small list of butter, bread, and chips, and a thing for me. When I got into the store I quickly realized that there were no small carts left, only the giant ones. I had 5 total small items I needed to get. I ended up getting 6 extra snacks and other things we didnt need just to make the cart look slightly more full and me less dumb. I was that scared of how people looked at me.

I still am that scared.

While I haven't always known about it, I've definitely struggled with both forms of anxiety all my life.

When I was younger, general anxiety was more prominent in my life and social anxiety was much lower. My younger self (and when I say younger I mean even 5 year old me) had very often and occurring panic attacks over things before. Of course at the time I didn't know it was a "panic attack" but as I grew up and learned these things I immidiatly knew that this is something I experienced before.

Nowadays the roles of these are flipped. Social Anxiety is now quite overpowering in my life, and regular anxiety is still there but has lessened quite a bit.

Its not fun living with these though.

For me, Anxiety means constant worry to the point of breaking down more often that not. Anxiety means not being able to trust people I should be able to trust, sometimes even including those closest to me. Anxiety means feeling threatened at every little outside thing in a relationship out of fear something will cause everything to fall. Anxiety means constantly thinking someone doesn't like me or thinks Im annoying based on one thing that happened or a message that could've been taken out of context.

Its. Horrible.

It also is better or worse depending on my mood, my day, and how Im generally feeling. Some days something will happen and I dont worry much at all about it. Other days Ill be having a bad day and that same thing could send me over the edge into anxiety and tears.

I've lost many nights of sleep to constant anxiety and whats worse is anxiety is a factor that can cause sleep paralysis (another problem I have)

Its... just awful.

I can't even get help from my family with it, as they aren't understanding of these things in the slightest. But thats where my amazing friends come in.

If it weren't for my closest friends I really wouldn't be okay now or ever. They are constantly putting up with me and helping me when Im having problems. I love you guys ❤️

And in other good news, the anxiety (along with social anxiety) continues to get better a bit. My social anxiety is MUCH better than it used to be I must say. I can at least order my own food now and ask for take out boxes without mentally freaking out *too* much (most of the time)

I know this was kind of a more depressing and serious chapter but hey the writing challenge said so.

Ill try to update again today, though I am a bit busy! Bye~