HOLLER. 》 Dan x Reader || Danisnotonfire

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I know you were probably expecting a chapter, and I was going to update, but I kind of need to be open about something for a minute.

Let me kind of explain I guess why I haven't been updating.

Recently, my anxiety has gotten extremely severe.

I don't really know what to do at this point because I've tried a lot already to make it stop. The doctor won't prescribe me medication, I don't want to do online school because I feel like it'll increase my anxiety and make me feel more alone and depressed.

I've tried everything from breathing techniques, to writing to my anxiety, to trying to distract myself, but nothing works. My mom, dad, boyfriend, and some of my friends have tried to help me but it doesn't help and it's not their fault.

I've had about two or three anxiety attacks in school and one outside of school.

I used to be someone who was usually pretty happy a lot. I was down to do anything at anytime. I'd want to be out of the house 24/7, and hang out with the people I care about.

Now, I'm scared to even drive my car and pick up a friend. I've dropped some people out of my life, I don't eat a lot anymore or drink enough, I don't talk a lot to other people, i don't like parties now, I'm always fucking SAD. I've dropped out of dance. I always loved dance. It was the only thing that made me feel happy last year really. This year, dance was making me feel worse. My happiness is temporary. I always sort of feel trapped, like I'm never going to get better.

I always feel sick, constantly. I feel physically sick in school. I've been close to wanting to pass out in class a few times. Even while driving its happened a few times. I'm always dizzy, or I'm just feeling nauseous sometimes. I'm always tired.

I'm definitely not myself anymore.

It kinda just feels like my old self has died and I'm someone completely new. Now I'm just always unmotivated, sad and tired. I don't recognize myself. I tried to change things for the better. I've told myself many times I'm going to make it out in the end, that I'm going to be okay.

Am I really going to be okay though?

Sad songs have kind of been my go to lately, and the sadness I feel while listening to them is kind of satisfying and sort of comforting.

I don't think that's good.

Self harm hasn't crossed my mind at all until recently when my anxiety started to act up. Now, it at least crosses my mind a few times a week, but I can't bring myself to do it because it will hurt the people around me.

I find myself constantly judging myself for things I've done in the past. Mistakes I've made. I beat myself up over how I look, how my body looks, etc.

I always tell myself I'm not smart, I don't believe in myself when I should.

I feel like I'm a letdown to everyone in existence. I feel like I'm annoying, a crybaby.

I don't really feel alive anymore.

The past three weeks it feels like I haven't even been inside my body. It feels like I'm in a completely new one. I'm numb to everything around me.

It's always, "are you okay?" At school from people around me because I don't act the same.

I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be there for people and help them. But how can I do that when I'm not even there to help myself?

I'm constantly playing a game of trust fall with myself, but I never fucking catch myself. I always let myself fall. But I won't allow someone else to fall. I put everyone else first.

I just want my old self back, but I don't think she's coming back. Something has mentally and physically fucked me up permanently, and it's making me crazy.

I'm just so scared, alone and I feel so trapped.

I'm so sad.

I'm breaking on the inside, I'm falling apart slowly. Pieces of my old self are cracking and breaking off of me and melting into the ground. I cant get those pieces back.

Everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second, a million thoughts are racing through my head. I never know what to say or what to do anymore.

Anxiety is ripping me to pieces, and I don't know how to stop it.

If my boyfriend is reading this,

I'm sorry if I haven't been honest with you and haven't told you anything that I've typed in this chapter ^^

I'm just trying to make things easy and I'm trying to stay strong so I don't bring you down with me. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm never happy, and I'm not the same person I was before, and I hate that.

Anyways, I really don't know when the last chapter will be posted. I'm just trying to find myself at the moment.

I'm sorry if I let you down and you were expecting a chapter update.

-Tay.