HOLLER. 》 Dan x Reader || Danisnotonfire

Chapter 16|| "I hope my absence hits you"

• 16th update: July 7th •

-DAN-

"Dear Gray," I write. "Remember that girl I told you about? The one that I said made me feel so alive? So happy? Yeah...she screwed me over. I'm done. I have to move on. It's obvious that i'm not wanted. Should I end it, Gray? Should I just give up and be with you?...no. I couldn't do that to mom. But...Love sucks, Gray. I had hella feelings for her and she just didn't care. I'm over it...I'm never falling in love ever again. I hope you're doing okay. Sometimes I wish I was up there with you...maybe I wouldn't be getting hurt. It's been a few days now since my last therapy session and since i've seen Y/N. I guess i'll just keep trying...i'll keep trying for you and mom.
I love you and I miss you so much...
-Danny"

I look up at the sky after a raindrop lands on my paper.

I sigh, as a tear rolls down my cheek and lands on the paper as well.

I look down at the cracked pavement beneath my feet.

I never noticed how much in common the pavement and I have. It's cracked and broken just like me. No one's there to help it. No one's there to glue the pieces back together. No one gives a shit about it. I sigh.

This world is awful. I hate it.
It's a filthy goddamn helpless world.
I tell myself that everyday.
I'll never believe anything else.

I start crying, as my letter starts to become limp from the rain.

Why do I let myself get hurt? Why am I so dumb?

I just can't believe that the person that makes you feel so alive, is the person who can make you feel like you're dying. What a fucking trap.

Y/N made me feel something. No. Not just something. She made me feel everything. She made me see the happiness in the world, the positive and good parts of it. She made me feel like I was good enough.

I don't need her because I miss the way she made me feel. I need her because I love her.

Maybe everything would have changed if I told her those three words. If I was confident enough. Maybe she wouldn't have hurt me then.

I feel a light tap on my shoulder and I look up to see Y/N standing there with her backpack.

"Hey..." she smiles slightly. "Can I sit here?"

I stare at her, and then I look back down, beginning to feel angry.
She sits down next to me anyways, setting her backpack aside.
I feel her staring at me, and I scoot over quickly.

"W-what's that in your hand?" she asks, reaching over for it.

I quickly shove it into my coat pocket and I continue not to look or speak to her.

It's silent for a minute before she speaks up again.

"Look..." she sighs. "I'm sorry, okay? I wasn't thinking. Everything all just happened at once. It really meant nothing-"

"You hurt me." I mumble.

She swallows hard and looks down at her hands.

"Yeah...I know."

We're both silent again, and I finally look up at her. God it hurt to look at her. I can barley look her in the eyes. I can't stand to see someone so beautiful if I can't have them. She is so beautiful to me. I almost had her.

I stare into her eyes, and I feel the tears brimming in mine.

"You are so goddamn beautiful..." my voice cracks as a tear slips out of my eye. "So fucking beautiful. But i'm not falling for your shit anymore. I don't care how sorry you are. You broke me, Y/N." I wipe a tear from my cheek.

Y/N wipes the tears from her cheeks as well and stares at me.

"I'm sorry, Dan! I don't want you to leave me, please. We've come so far with our friendship-"

"Friendship," I laugh. "Yeah that's all it'll ever fucking be, right?" I stare at her.
She stares at me, silent.

"Exactly. Just what I thou-"

"I love you, Dan." Y/N blurts out.

I look over at her with knitted eyebrows.
I shake my head and wipe the raindrops off my face. We were both completely soaked, but we didn't care.

"You're too late." I say as I stand up and brush myself off. I spin around on my heels to go walk home.

"Dan...sweetheart. Please don't leave me." Y/N pleads quietly.

"I don't want to be a sweetheart. I want to be the fucking love of your life." I cry with my back turned to her.

"Dan please...don't go..."

I spin around quickly and stare at her.

"I hope my absence hits you. I hope it hits you so fucking hard that you can never get back up." I pull my hood over my head and walk back to my house.

I open the door and slam it shut, immediately falling to the ground and crying.
It hurt to walk away. It really did. But I had to leave. I had to leave before she would somehow hurt me way more than she already had.