What Was Lost // (Harry Styles FanFic)

Prologue- Losing You

   All I can hear is her screaming, so loud it's ricocheting off the walls. I jump out of bed and go searching for her, with a feeling in my heart and stomach that I can't describe. I run out into the hallway and in the nursery that my mom and Lilly decorated together. 

   When I finally see her she's on the floor and I see our little girl cradled in her arms. She's crying and screaming so loud I can't even think. My parents and little sister rush into the room then and I see my moms face go white.

      I finally unfreeze and walk over and sit next to her. This isn't real. "Lilly baby, what's wrong?" I ask loudly but I'm not sure she can hear me over her own voice.

    But she doesn't answer me. All she does is cry. And scream.

    I see my little girls face and I notice her lips are blue and her eyes are shut, on a very pale face, almost translucent.

    And I immediately know that she's gone.

    But it doesn't make sense. We had just laid her down in her crib and she was breathing and healthy. She smiled and played all day long.

My mom is crying too, and she walks out of the room. My sister isn't saying anything, but she hunches over and starts throwing up in the floor. My father is just looking at us with dead eyes. "We will get this taken care of." Is all he says. No remorse in his voice, no sorrow or grief on his face.

    But how can you take care of a dead child? What do you even do for that? I try to talk to Lilly again, because she's not crying or screaming anymore, it doesn't matter though, she still doesn't hear me. All she's doing is rocking now. Back and forth like she's trying to put the baby to sleep, and I can hear her humming a nursery rhyme under her breath. Her eyes are closed, but she still has silent tears streaming steadily down her face.

     My mom walks back into the room. "I've called the police, an ambulance is on the way. They will be here shortly." She then walks over to my sister, and puts an arm around her and tells her it may be best to leave the room, she shouldn't see this. She shouldn't see my girlfriend rocking our dead baby in her arms.

      My little girl is dead.

     "You called the police?" My Dad asks my mother with an edge to his voice.

     "Yes Hal, I called the police. That's what you do in a situation like this. What else was I supposed to do?" My mother's voice bites right back at him.

      "Anything besides get the police and ambulance over here and cause a huge scene in front of our house. What will everyone think?" That's my dad for you. The mayor of this town. He doesn't care that his first and only grandchild is blue and not breathing, he cares about what the people will think about police cars, and if this could mess with his chances at this years next election. I hate him. And by the look my mother gives him, I think she does too.  They start arguing but I tune them out, I can only focus on one thing at a time.

      I look back over at Lilly and she's still rocking back and forth, singing and crying. I can't cry, for some reason the tears don't come. I'm just..empty. Numb. This can't be real. Somewhere in my mind this is just a dream, a nightmare, that I'm going to wake up from soon and everything will be okay.

     And when I wake up, I'll see that Lilly's side of the bed is empty, so I'll get up and go in the nursery and find her rocking in the chair with our baby. Who's cooing and looking at her with such love and innocence that it hurts. I'll walk over to them and Lilly will finally hear me and smile up at me. I'll kiss them both and then we will have another day together. Like everyday for the past 3 months.  

     "She's just sleeping, that's all. She loves to sleep. Always has. She's just sleeping Sutter." Lilly finally speaks, and her eyes are open but she's not seeing anything. Still rocking. Still holding our baby to her chest.

     "Okay baby." Is all I say. Because I can tell if I say anything else, she may break even worse than she already has. I can't comfort her right now, because I don't even know what to think. What to do. I can't feel anything. So instead, I just sit there in front of her and watch her continue to rock and sing. And when she's not singing, she's just repeating the same line over and over again. "She's just sleeping."

      It all happens in a blur then. The EMTs come in the room and try to take the baby from Lilly, but she won't let them. She starts screaming and moving away from them. My mom has to get up and go calm her down. She has to hold Lilly back when they finally take the baby from her arms and examine her with their lights and stethoscope. I see the EMT listening for a heartbeat, or any other sign of life, look at the others and shake his head. We knew she was gone, but I guess having it confirmed out loud is different.

      Lilly starts screaming again and falls to the floor, my mother with her. I continue to sit there and not move or speak, because I don't know how. It's like my body has forgot.

      They put our baby on a stretcher and cover her with a white sheet, and that's the last time I ever see her face again. No more blue eyes, chubby cheeks, or little red lips. She's gone.

      And when my baby died, something in me did too.

      I watch motionless as they carry her out of the room, and Lilly running after them screaming. Crying. Begging them to do something, to bring her back. Something is broke in her too.

    I should go over and comfort her, tell her
it's okay, that there had to be some kind of reason for God taking our baby. But I can't say any of that, because I don't believe it.

   Two weeks later, my family packs up our house, and we leave. To a new town, a new school, a new city election my dad thinks he can win. A town without everyone looking at me with pity in their eyes, a town where people don't know that I had a baby with my girlfriend at fifteen years old, and our baby didn't make it past three months. A town where I don't have to look at the girl I've loved almost my whole life, with dead, swollen eyes. Who doesn't smile or laugh anymore. Who doesn't eat.

     Lilly begged me not to go, but I couldn't stay. I couldn't deal with what happened, because a parent is never supposed to lose a child. A parent should never have to see their baby in a casket so small that it could be carried by one single person. A parent should never outlive their children.

When my baby died, I did too.

    So I left. But now I'm coming back, and I never expected for things to be the way they were when I returned.