What Was Lost // (Harry Styles FanFic)

Chapter 36

^^This is Jo

Present Time
Lilly POV

Sutter stays in my room and talks to me a little longer, and before he leaves to his room for the night, he makes it a point to tell me he's not mad at me, nor does he really blame me for what happened.

I can't say I'm not happy to hear that, but it also makes me feel guilty that he's so forgiving of all the things I've done, and I can't seem to forgive him completely for leaving me.

I'm learning to trust him again, and letting myself love him again was effortless. But I hadn't really let go of all the pain and heartache I had suffered through all of those years he had left me. Still not ready to let my guard down completely.

     And regardless of what he says, there's a distance between us now that wasn't there yesterday. Him knowing about Cross and I was definitely going to affect us a lot more than what he was willing to admit. Or maybe he hasn't even realized it yet.

When he left, all he offered me was a kiss on the forehead and told me to have sweet dreams. The nights before the room was filled with so much sexual tension and passion that it was almost hard to breathe.

All that aside though, I'm also worried about Jo, because I could tell she was mad at me as well. And for some reason that was nagging on my mind really hard, and causing me to toss and turn in my bed. There was only a handful of people in this world that I would care if they were upset with me, and she was one of them.

I got up out of my bed, and decided to just go in her room and talk to her about, hoping to smooth things over with her the way I had with Sutter. We lived together, and she was practically my sister.

Walking out of my room and into hers quietly, I walked inside and her room was lit up only by a small lamp on her bedside table. She was sitting in the middle of her bed with her legs crossed, and eyes dancing across the pages of a book. She was so engrossed in whatever she was reading, she hadn't heard me come in yet.

"Psssst." I said, jokingly, and walked over to sit on the bed with her.

When her eyes found mine, they didn't hold the usual happiness they usually did when they were looking at me. If anything she looked blank, or disappointed.

"What do you need?" She asked, and closed her book before laying it on her lap.

"I need you and I to talk so that things can be okay between us again. I can't sleep knowing you're upset with me."

She rolled her eyes. "Not much to talk about. You were screwing my cousin after we left. Whoop-dee-do."

I sigh and shake my head. "It wasn't like that, Jo."

"So you didn't have sex with Cross to hurt Sutter in some twisted way?" She asks, and the tone of her voice let's me know how strongly she believes that.

"I'm brave enough to admit that, yes, that was part of it. But it wasn't all of it." How do I put something like this into words?

"Then what was it? Because Lilly, I love you, but I'm tired of seeing you and my brother hurt each other. He fucked up, immensely, there is no denying that. But you weren't perfect either. No one is. And I honestly don't even see how you and him can work it out after this. I sure as shit couldn't do it." Her voice was starting to get louder by the end of her rant, and I really didn't want us to have an audience if we were going to have this conversation.

Although, I never heard Sutter's parents come home, but I'm sure they were by this point. It was nearly eleven o'clock.

"I know Jo, I know. But you have to believe me when I say, I really didn't think you and him would ever come back. It had been over four months since y'all had left, and I gave up any pent up hope I had that y'all were coming back for me. So while I may have done it to hurt him without him knowing, I'm my own way of revenge, I never expected him to hear about it. I never would have done anything with Cross, had I'd known that years later Sutter would find out, and I'd have to see the look on his face that I saw today in the parking lot." That broken look on Sutter's face today was a look I knew all too well. It was a look I had seen in the mirror countless times, when I woke up each morning and was reminded that my world had been pulled out from under me.