What Was Lost // (Harry Styles FanFic)

Chapter 34

^^ Everyone meet Sutter's cousin, Cross. *drooling*

Lilly's POV

I do terrible at my meet. Or terrible by my standards at least, because I don't come in first place.

The whole time I was just thinking about Sutter, and what he said to me. I can't remember a time he had ever been that mad at me. But I guess I also never did anything to deserve that kind of fury, either. I still wasn't sure if what I did warranted his reaction. I understand that having sex with his cousin and best friend is upsetting, of course, but worth him screaming at me in the parking lot and then not coming to watch me swim? I didn't think so.

All of what happened with Cross when he first left. When I was in the worst place possible, in my depression and my rebellion. I didn't care who I was hurting, even if it was me, unbeknownst at the time. I did whatever I wanted, without fear of what the next day would bring.

I had no emotion, no conscience telling me that what I was doing was wrong. I even think, in some twisted way, that I did it because I knew it would hurt Sutter. It was my way of causing him pain, the way he caused me pain. It was me being tit for tat, and that wasn't right, but there was nothing I could do to change it now.

Jesse and Nadine were giving me a ride home, or to the Mayfield's home I should say. Not sure if it would be my home anymore after this afternoon, and whatever fight I was about to walk into.  Im not sure what to expect when I walk through that front door, and I hate that feeling. I lived with that feeling for years, and I was starting to get used to not feeling anxious or frightened all the time.

The car ride has been silent the whole way, every one not really sure what to say, and knowing the atmosphere isn't really for chit chatting right now. When Jesse pulls up to their house, I take a deep breath and start mentally preparing myself for the worst. Nadine turns around to look at me, and offers me a smile, and I do my best to return one.

"Call us if you need anything, you know we will come back and get you if we need to." Jesse says, and I lean forward to give him a squeeze on his shoulder. Thankful that I always have someone who will be there for me, no matter how many times I decide to fuck things up.

    When I walk through the front door, I don't see or hear anybody. I saw Sutter's truck in the driveway, but didn't think to check the garage to see if anyone else was home yet. My meet lasted around three hours, so its only eight o'clock, but normally everyone is home by then.

    I'm not brave enough to go in the kitchen, so instead I quietly make my way upstairs and into my bedroom without being seen. I noticed there was a light on under Sutter's door, and not one on in Jo's room. I strip out of my bathing suit and then go take a shower in the adjoining bathroom that Jo and I share. I take my time scrubbing my hair and body, trying to get the smell of the chlorine off of me.

    When I'm through showering and dressed, I'm pacing my room trying to figure out what I want to do. Do I want to go in his room and try to solve things, or do I want to give him his space and let him calm down? But then again, I don't want to leave him in there and let his mind wander and make him think things that aren't true, because I know he's in there trying to fill in all the blanks.

     I resolve myself to waiting, not wanting to make the night any worse. But to also give myself some time to think, because should he really have the right to be mad at me? And should I really have to explain myself? I've never asked him about the girls he kissed while he was away, so why is he so insistent about who my hook ups were with?

     Suddenly, there's a knock at my door, and I know it's him. Don't ask me how, I just do.

     "Come in." I say, and hate the way my voice shakes. I don't want him to know I'm nervous.