What Was Lost // (Harry Styles FanFic)

Chapter 18

Lilly's POV

I wake up with a start, sweat pouring down my face and drenching my back. I lay there and wait to move until my breathing slows down, and my heart rate decelerates back to normal.

I haven't thought about the night Sutter and I conceived Annie in a long time. Those sort of memories became too painful to think about after he left, so I did my best to block them out.

The reminder of what sex with Sutter felt like, has me all worked up. And not in a good way. Because when I have happy memories like that of us, I go back to the day he left me and still can't understand how he could leave. How he could just walk away from me, our relationship.

Even when my dad was beating on me and I was suffering at home, I never let that negative side of my life affect the good side I had with Sutter. I mean sure we had our little tiffs here and there, but for the most part, we were a really in love couple. And even if we did fight, we still didn't like to be away from one another. And we didn't ignore each other.

So the shock and devastation of him leaving me, still felt raw inside of my chest. It was something I never expected from him, especially since he was usually the better one at talking about his feelings and emotions. My father made it difficult for me to show the way I really felt sometimes, because I was so scared I would be wrong for it.

I was tired of always being wrong.

I was tired of people always leaving me, and never returning the love I have for them.

     I wanted to forget about all of that shit, for once. I didn't want to keep suffering with this feeling of inadequacy every time I was around people.

And the only person who didn't make me feel that way, was Denny.

I jump out of bed to get ready, wondering where Sutter went. Sleeping with him last night was a bad idea, I never should have let that happen. But I let all of my emotions take me over, and I knew if I didn't have some kind of physical touch of love, I was going to crack even more.

You don't realize how good a hug can feel until you remember how long it's been since you've had a real one. All the hugs I've got from Sutter and his family have stirred up something inside me. Almost like my body remembers the love they used to show me too. When Sutter's mom hugged me last night and cried actual tears for me, it showed me what a mother's love is really supposed to look like.

My mom has never shown love for anyone but herself and my father. I wouldn't even say she's shown love for him, but just the lifestyle he can provide for her with all his money.

I go down the stairs of Sutter house and almost make it out the door before seeing someone. His mom and sister are sitting on the couch in the sitting area next to the kitchen.

Mrs. Mayfield's face brightens when she sees me. "Lilly, sweetie, how did you sleep?"

"Better then I have in a long time." No point in lying. I slept like the dead for the first time in a long time, despite the dream I had.

"I'm so happy to hear that. Sutter and Hal went to another football meeting with the coach, he should be back soon though." She informs me.

"Oh, okay. Well I was actually going to head out for a little while if that's okay.." It feels like I'm almost asking permission to leave, and I don't know if I should because I'm not sure if I'm living here or not now. I'm used to doing my own thing and then maybe getting slapped around for it later.

I'm not used to the actual caring parents who want to know the whereabouts of their children.

"Oh that's fine, Sutter mentioned you had a job, are you going into work?"