𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐚 † 𝐟.𝐠

Twenty nine~

I'ma die slow, sweetie, I ain't never had a meanin'
Just another fuckin' junkie, drain my blood, but don't be greedy
♡

berts pov.

I walked into my house and didn't bother locking the door. No one ever does, there's nothing worth stealing in here ayways.

I hardly even walked in and I could already hear my Dad's dissatisfied grunts down the hall. He could never just let me be could he?

"Bert, What did I tell you about washing those damn dishes?  You're mother's gone, I need someone to clean up shit around here." My father said grumbling the last part just loud enough for me to hear it.

The nasty remarks about my mother barely got to me anymore, It's been like this evere since the funeral. I'm not sure is bitterness and disrespect was a part of the grieving process but I was definitely ready for this step to be over.

"Why don't you do it?" I said tossing my bag on the floor.

"Because I'm a fucking man and you're the closest thing to a fucking pussy I've got around here." He spat walking up to me. "Now wash the damn dishes."

I glared him straight in the eye not saying anything. Not beacuse I was afraid of him or anything. He never hit me or mom, he was the definition of "All bark, no bite." If anyone was a pussy in this house it was never me or my mom, it would be him.

I washed the dishes feeling close to tear while doining so  since I knew the reason I was standing here doing it and not anyone else. When was done dad had passed out on the couch leaving a beer can on the floor, leaking on the rug.

"Fucking hell." I said under my breath picking the can up.

Ever since mom died the house can never seem to just stay clean like she left it. I was starting to think that instead of just thinking cleaning was a woman's job he just didn't know how to do it himself. I went to my room after cleaning the alcohol out of the carpet and turning off the t.v. that he had fallen asleep watching. We definitely didn't need a higher electrical bill.

I sat on my bed and scrolled through my phone. That was about all I could do, it was boring living in a house with no life, no joy. All that left right alon with my mother. I tried not to think about it too much, it only hurt me more. She was gone and there was nothing I could do to get her back. I was done with that delousunal period of losing someone where your brain makes you believe that they're coming back somehow so you don't go insane. I realized that she wasn't though, as the months went on withough my mom baing there to cook for me or tell me she loves me way too much It alk became real. My mommy wasn't ever coming back to me.

I gripped my phone tight not even thinking about what was on the screen. I needed a distraction right now.

I stood up walking over to my dresser and pulling up the thin piece of wood at the bottom of my drawer, pulling out the baggie that you couldn't see unless you pulled it up. The only ghink keeping me sane was the white powder was lining up right now. Without it I'd probably be dead.

When I was high it felt like all my worries were temporarily lifted from my thoughts. Eveything was alright for the time period that it lasted. I wasn't sad or mad or depressed. I just was.

Though this time was different. My head was already aching and I didn't feel as carefree as usual, infact i felt like crying. And so I did, unconditionally. I sobbed and sobbed into my pillow wondering why this wave of emotion had come over me when I was supposed to be okay right now. Somewhere deep down I knod of hoped that this was what overdosing felt like. Maybe I'd go into cardiac arrest and fucking die eventually. Then I wouldn't hurt the one person I loved so much.

I cried untill my throat was sore and my vision blured. I needed to lay down. I didn't bother trying to get comfortable when I flopped down onto my pillow with one leg hanging from the mattress.
I wishes there was someone to hold me right then as tears still streamed down my face. I wanted somone to tell me that I was gonna be okay and to care for me when I felt like this. But there wasn't now that she had left me.

"Fuck."  I said tugging at my hair and feeling  few stradnds rip out.

I sprung up from my bed and sniffled. I needed another line.

❥❥❥

I noticed it was dark when I woke up. I have no Idea what time/day it is but what I do know is that I'm incredibly fucking high.

I stood up but stumbled my first try. I don't remember how many lines I had last night but it was way more than one like I had planed at the beginning.

Disappointingly, I wasn't dead.

I grabed my phone, squinting at the shocking brightness and unlocked after three tries at my password.

(1) message from Gee
(2) missed calls from Gee

I stared at my phone for a few extra seconds trying to make sure that my eyes weren't just fucking with me, but no, Gerard had actually tried at contact me multiple times while I was alseep.

Gee: Are you alright? you seemed off yesterday :(

I started typing but immediately stopped. A part of me knew that I was much to unstable to be texting anyone. I turned off my phone and put it, more like threw it, into my besside drawer. I couldn't stand texting Gerard when I knew I had those photos of him in my closet. I would have himsoon and I'd be okay. I wouldn't need the coke or the pills anymore. Gerard was enough, he was all that I needed to stay sane.

❥❥❥

"You smell like weed and piss." Mikey said around his sandwich when I walked over to the table.

"Really?" I said smirking.

"Fucking yeah." Pete said pretending to be disgusted.

"Rad." I said, my head on my fist.

I was too tired to bathe. Not physically, just emotionally. I wasn't even sure when I was gonna do what I planed to do but I was doubting myself. I realized how selfish I was being but I'm not ready to be alone. I needed someone to give me the same affection I craved when my mom first left. Gerard was perfect. I was in love with him And that's all that mattered. He could learn to love me the way I loved him, it might take time but I'd wait. Forever if I had to.

---
a/n: aye I was really excited for this :)

i hope you liked it

also, for the people wondering about the songs at the beginning of chapters, when this book is done I'll be making a playlist on either spotify youtube and I'll also be posting a list.