Living the Non-Binary Life

7.) Running

My first mile in third grade was eight minutes and forty six seconds.

I remember dropping to the ground not knowing why I wanted to endure that horrible torture again. I remember looking at the middle and high school students running around town and thinking, "I'm gonna do that soon. I'm gonna be on that team. I'm gonna run like that."

On my last day of sixth grade we had a half day. There were tears. There was a lot of sadness. I remember getting home and remembering the form to join the cross country team in seventh grade, and immediately going straight back to the school. I ran to the park almost daily until we moved, completely ignorant and hopeful.

Then we moved, and my cousin kept begging me to join the cross country team with her. I was too depressed. I was having a wretched time because our dad had finally taken us out of our horrible town away from our horrible mother.

And then brought our horrible mother back to us again.

We missed the first day of school that year because we were registered literally the day before school started, and they needed time to get my brother and I into the systems. My first day of middle school started in a brand new school, with all new people who already had a year of middle school down pat because for them sixth grade was middle school. For me it was elementary school. I'm a weird quirky redhead who's now depressed and distant and "snappy".

I joined track my first year because again, my cousin begged me to join the team.

I wanted to die. I haven't brought it up before now but I have a mild form of cerebral palsy. My dad says that until I joined track, I walked like a football player. My limbs were all oddly bent when I walked, and I actually got picked on a lot because of it. Form is also crucial in staying unhurt and healthy enough to run for extended amounts of time. So I learned, and practiced, and took so much time to fix my form.

The time I used to read instead went to just standing and stepping and balancing. I spent hours on this every day. I would stand with my hips back, shoulder blades back, head up, elbows at the right place, breathing, breathing, breathing, and now two steps forward, place your feet right, use your ankles correctly, now go back to standing, standing, standing, fix your shoulder blades, standing, standing, suck your stomach back in, standing, standing, fire up your glutes again, standing, standing, stepping, stepping, back now, go back again, breathing, breathing...

Then came cross country. I obtained a brand spankin' new, shiny red inhaler. I can't go anywhere without it. I learned how to get my head in the game. Shorten your steps when you go uphill, widen them when you go down, cut corners, go through those mud puddles, don't look back, your focus is on the runners ahead of you, random surges, dang those suck. 

Varsity track told me I knew virtually nothing about form. Varsity track laughed in my face and said You thought you were done. Let me show you a few things.

Never let your knees land crooked. Keep your feet hip length apart. Never let your feet land in front of your hips. Your feet are absolutely crucial to proper form. Hours of balance exercises, again daily. Hours of research on proper stretches before and after running. New spikes, new rollers, new wrap and tape.

So much time and energy I never thought I'd spend just to run. I've done so many things to stay in shape, researched the best things to eat before meets, set reminders about what to pack in my meet bag, asked team mates to remind me about jewelry. New York is the only state that doesn't allow jewelry in running. You will immediately be disqualified if you finish with jewelry or a picture of you is taken with it on.

Photographers in cross country suck. I hate turning a corner to see a photographer right there, ready to take my picture. But it's so worth it. 

I absolutely love it when I'm running. The first year was horribly painful and excruciating and torturous and I had no idea why I was doing it, but once that frame of mind forms, once you get that special I'm running way of thinking, it's absolutely amazing.

I love it when my form is lined up perfectly, when I land on the balls of my feet the way I'm supposed to and feel my ankles engaging the way I know they should, when I'm going uphill and my hamstrings and hips engage and get me to the top, the panting and flailing of arms as you rocket down, the surge at the bottom. I love it when I'm running long races in track and I use the track to run the track. Wait for that yellow arrow and surge until the next yellow arrow, adjust your cadence to a 180 bpm cadence, faster cadence is better than wider cadence for distance runners, pay attention to your splits, breathe deep, focus on those arms, listen to those cheers, look at the times...

Running is so euphoric for me I can't wait for cross country to start back up again in just 17 days from now. I can't wait to run free in our little nature park. I can't wait for the runner highs, the satisfying hills, the times, the bus rides, the psych up before each meet. I can't wait for the ribbons and T-shirts and celebrations and tutoring. Our coach jokingly calls the older runners "veterans" and the newer runners "noobs".

Until about two months ago, I'd completely forgotten that I'd signed up to do cross country in seventh grade. I had no recollection of how many times I'd run to the park.

I regret not doing cross country that first year, but that actually made me so happy.

Oh yeah, and my cousin? She absolutely hated that I'd been the fastest runner on both teams for a couple years. Now there's a younger girl who's a natural runner, but isn't that just amazing? Somebody stopped me in the hall once and asked me if I truly had cerebral palsy, and I told her yes, I've had it all my life, it's one of the main reasons I started running. She told me her uncle also has cerebral palsy and told me how amazing it is to have cerebral palsy and be the fastest runner in the school. She congratulated me for trying so hard. I'm really not used to talking to anyone in the hallway, or to anyone in general (yes, very sad, I know) so to actually be surprised with something so amazingly nice still makes me tear up to this day. The next year during track, she again started asking me questions like, "I don't ever see any of your teammates in here. I'm not trying to be rude but do you stretch so much because of your cerebral palsy? Is that why you have to roll your back and calves out so much? Is that why trainer gives you shoulder rubs?"

Yes to all. Again, it was amazing to be recognized. For someone to see how hard I've tried, to understand my still daily struggles. I don't think she'll ever understand how happy she's made me, and how emotional I get every time I think about these instances. I don't get that a lot, from anybody.

Running has helped me so much. All you runners, good job. I'm proud of you. Past runners? I'm still proud of you. Good job.

Now I'm going into eleventh grade, which makes this my fourth year of cross country and my fifth year of track. I don't plan on stopping after I graduate. I'll only stop if I end up in a wheel chair (sadly, I probably will) but even then I'll ask a very kind family member/friend/my boyfriend to push me through 5k run/walks. 

I'm that dedicated.

Have an amazing day you fantabulous beans!!

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Be true, stay you ❤️❤️

~Day Dreamer~