Living the Non-Binary Life

14.) Europe

I wanted to go last year. I have a teacher that goes every two years, so three years ago, when my parents were still together, I got all of the paperwork together and asked my parents if I could go.

Dad was all for it.

Bob laughed in my face. Literally laughed in my face like I had just made the most hysterical joke she'd ever heard.

I didn't go.

The trip was last year, which means there's another one another two years from now. Now that I live with my grandmother, we've been talking about budgeting so that I might be able to go in a couple of years. I knew if this attempt didn't work out I'd give up trying to ever go to Europe again.

I haven't legally changed my name yet, so I brought it up to her and said I need to change it before I can get my passport because it would make my life a lot easier in the end.

She said because of us having to struggle so much every month to be able to send me to Europe, we wouldn't have the money for me to get my name changed.

Every time my legal name ever pops up keeps flashing through my head and I know I can't go to Europe. It's not fair.

My anxiety is scratching and clawing at my chest and I can't go to Europe and the name change is going to be a difficult process and it's really not fair. I've grown up so poor and it keeps biting me in the butt in the worst ways.

I keep forgetting that bedrooms are a thing. That beds are a thing. I sleep on the living room floor on a cushion with a ton of pillows and blankets and a heating pad.

I inhale mold and dust and cat hair and dog hair and my body just hurts. Nothing ever works out for me. If or when something does, it never lasts for long and it never happens without me having to sacrifice something.

Sorry for the rant. I feel like such a horrible person.

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Be true, stay you ❤❤

~Day Dreamer~