The Child stands alone on the wood chips, fighting a losing battle.
Not for the first time, The Child is looking back and forth between a group of guys and a group of girls.
Am I really a boy? The Child finds comfort in that thought, but also knows it's not quite true. So The Child looks over to the group of girls. The Child's face screws up. I don't feel right thinking that I might be a girl.
A friend interrupts The Child's thoughts. "Hey, could I get some advice on something?" The Child happily helps, and is left alone once again.
What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking this way? I can't.
The Child has a speech impediment. The Child's family brings it up daily.
Neeeerd.
Wanna go to the pawk?
Let's go to the pawty.
Look at you, you know you wanna cry. Awww look it the wittle babyyyy.
You can't even walk straight you wetawd.
No one can ever know. The Child looks down at the pink clothes. At the pink shoes and the bright hair ties. At the long hair. It's easier living my life as a girl, so just don't think about it. It doesn't matter.
But, deep down...
What is wrong with me?
Why do I find comfort in feeling like a boy, even if it's not right? I'm not a boy, I'm not a girl, so what does that make me? It makes me stupid. Stop thinking about it. It's stupid. Clearly you're not a boy so why are you still make your life harder? It's not safe anyway.
Another sad look back and forth. Just forget it. You're safer this way.
~~~~~~~~
I remember it so vividly. Not quite feeling like a boy, but not being a girl either, and always fearful.
I learned about non binary genders about nine months or so before the last toxic person in my life, my bio mom, left. Kept it locked up somewhere until last summer. It was great, and scary, and still is really scary, to finally stop suppressing myself. It's hard. Every thought and decision is a struggle.
But I'm slowly turning into the person I really am, and hopefully the helpful side of me comes back some day. I loved giving advice to people, settling arguments, trying to shed light on different points of view. Sadly, that was smuggled. But one day... one day I hope that helpful part of me can overcome the survivor.
I don't blame myself at all. I did what I had to do. I just wish so much self hatred and loneliness wouldn't have been generated. By myself and by the people around me.
The survivor will always be a part of me. I know that. Sometimes the lines are blurred, and sometimes they're clear as day and I still decide to listen to the survivor. I don't know which instance I dislike more, since the survivor is the one who tries to avoid happiness.
I'm trying to find a balance. I'll get there.
~~~~
Be true, stay you ❤❤
~Day Dreamer~
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Living the Non-Binary Life
RandomMy maybe-not-so-horrible-anymore-right-now life. I attempted to add as many tags as I could when I tried to think about details of myself I wanted to mention. I'll keep it as clean as possible and only mention the more...triggering content only as a...
