You can feel me, curled up inside of you, suffering.
I'm like shattered glass, broken to pieces and useless.
Except I'm less than that, since broken pieces have a meaning.
I'm not allowed to feel, to want, I'm not allowed to express opinions or even needs. I can remember things about the house, and the room. I can remember the kitchen floor and the back yard, even the stairs. Some of the dishes.
There were mirrors on some of the walls, and Christmas lights hung up in the living room. Things I know you've forgotten.
But I'm not allowed to forget. No, I'll never be allowed to forget.
You know about the decisions I've made. The things I've done to endure it all. The things I convinced myself so that I'd give up on hope.
Hope only gave me more pain. Hope is useless, a luxury I never even had. Delusional.
That's what it was, hope for me was delusional. Pure and simple. Realizing that wasn't easy, you know. It was painful.
When you hear the word hopeless, you often don't think about the implications. Hopeless means defeated, it means you've accepted defeat and you've accepted that there's no way out of it.
I gave up a lot for you to happen. To be here. I sacrificed my emotions, my wants and needs for you. They told me to, forced me to, and I did it for the sake of survival. I survived for you.
I should resent you. I'm stuck inside you now as you live the life that I paid for with my pain, self inflicted or not.
You know what it was like, to believe all the things that they said. You can remember the emotions that I endured, the things that the voice said to me. Relentless, loud, never ending, cruel.
You left me behind here, whether you knew what you were doing or not. You've figured yourself out, but me?
When will I be a child?
Are you happy now, in this time and place that you have? Please try to be happy. I'd really like that. Laugh with your friends. Enjoy this body. Smile with grandma. Reach into that love that your partner found inside of you and spread it all around you. Reach out when you need help, because there's people here that love you.
They really, really love you.
That's more than I got. So please, enjoy it.
Please.
For me.
~S. 💚💚
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Living the Non-Binary Life
RandomMy maybe-not-so-horrible-anymore-right-now life. I attempted to add as many tags as I could when I tried to think about details of myself I wanted to mention. I'll keep it as clean as possible and only mention the more...triggering content only as a...
