Living the Non-Binary Life

29.) A New Beginning

So I have an appointment scheduled at a really really great hospital to see about getting a gender dysphoria diagnosis in mid-August.

I've been so worried about how to put into words the type of abuse I went through and the way it made me feel and the way it affects me now, BUT I JUST STUMBLED ONTO A POSSIBLE DIAGNOSIS THAT COULD DO IT FOR ME!!

It's called C-PTSD, and I relate to it nearly 100℅, at the time of the abuse and now.

It's a type of stress disorder that develops after prolonged interpersonal abuse at the time of important development that leaves the victim feeling like they're completely helpless and that the situation is inescapable.

That time when I had that mental breakdown, that's what it felt like. I got so tired of everyone twisting around everything I said and did and using it against me for so long, I got so tired of my emotions reacting that I just broke, and I felt so hopeless, so trapped.

During that time, when I thought about the way my family would react to my suicide, it only spurred me on because I wanted to spite them.

But I am not spiteful. I also felt like killing myself was some sort of sign to my family that they had won, that they broke me.

But they didn't know who I really was. They had no idea that I was keeping the biggest and scariest piece of myself away from them.

I didn't want to die living a lie. I wanted to live to see the person that I knew I had buried.

If I had told them about this and they had mocked me, used it against me, I would've died. I wouldn't have been able to live through that pain and I also would've had one less reason to live and one more reason to die.

But I survived.

I'm me now.

But I hold so much regret for the lie I forced myself to live. I feel so much regret for all the pain I put myself through while suppressing myself. I hate myself for being so distant with my past abusers. They're my family, I can't just never see them again, because they still love me.

I'd end up going in circles. I did what I did to survive, and it worked, but I feel so bad for the child that wasn't allowed to exist, that wasn't allowed to be themself. If I could crouch down on one knee and apologize to that child, I would. I'd kiss their little face with tears streaming down my cheeks, I'd beg them for forgiveness.

The worst part? They'd be far too petrified to accept my apology. They'd end up sobbing, because all they knew was that their existence was wrong, an inconvenience. Their feelings had been used against them so often that they wouldn't be able to trust anyone, and didn't for a long time. They would've thought that I was lying, and genuinely would've been far too petrified to allow someone to actually validate the way that they feel.

Every time that poor child was validated, it was only to make them let their guard down and reveal vulnerabilities to be used against them later.

They learned to fear validity.

I still fear validity, but now that I'm not around any of my abusers any more, now that I don't have anything to worry about, I find euphoria in it. At least that's what I chalk it up to.

That knowledge of what I allowed my family to do to that child, the knowledge of what I myself did to that child, it breaks my heart.

But all I've wanted was to forget about it and live my life. To forgive myself so that I can start a new beginning.

But I just couldn't, I still can't, since I had developed in so many ways as a child while going through constant mental and emotional trauma, and it effects me now.

That is why I know that I have C-PTSD.

I've been having a very difficult time lately with all of this, as well as for the past few years of my recovery and transition, and now I know that my emotions are valid.

I had grown up constantly being invalidated emotionally, but now I suddenly have so much validation it makes my head spin. It's such a relief to no longer hate myself for the way that this all has effected me.

Now I can call my doctor and possibly find a specialist to talk to so that I can straighten this all out for my mental evaluation.

I can work on this.

I'm sobbing in relief again.

The emotions I feel due to my past trauma are normal 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

~~~~

Be true, stay you ❤❤

~Day Dreamer~