Collection of Poems

Loneliness

I'm not entirely sure why I feel like this
So
So alone
And yet surrounded by people
It doesn't really make sense, does it?
And yet I still feel it
Just goddamn it
I hate myself for this
I don't want this
I never did
And yet here I am
Diving into my own mind
Knowing I always drown in it's depths
Here I am
My persona is slowly being stripped to who I am underneath
Someone undesirable and unpleasant to be around
The people around me are realizing this
And they're drifting
Not wanting to be apart of "that"
Those 2 stay
Stubborn, but not entirely determined
Why would they be?
Very recent have they entered
And very soon will they have left
And if they were to find the truth
Their departure would be even quicker
Just
I need something
Some form of closeness
And I know I can't get it
But I lust after it
And I'm worried how I will be if I go long without
I never knew how deep this hunger delved into me
Not since it was sated
But now that it cannot be, it grows stronger
And it hurts
This extreme loneliness
It hurts even more when I'm around people
Because I'm reminded of when I didn't feel this way
And I miss it
Everything felt easier
I'm waiting for the tears to flow
Because I know they will come
Hopefully not when they're around
I hate that feeling of vulnerability
Of weakness
I have to be strong
Not for me
But for all of you
I have to be there to help you
And if I show that I can't even help myself
Then you won't come to me
And then what am I here for?
If I can't help the ones I hold dearest to me,
Why do I exist?
I know how unhealthy it is to find a will to live in others
For they are never permanent
But it's not like I can find it in myself
Not with these broken pieces of being floating around inside of me
This gaping hole aching to be filled
But not knowing what to use
To ensure this void is never empty again
But I guess I was never really wholly here, was I?
Always drifting, left out, sent away
And rightfully so
Because why keep the man with fucked up tendencies around?
Oh wait
I can think of a reason
For their amusement
To play with
Both his body and mind
Even his heart
Those blows that never left marks
But scarred into my brain
Forever memories
Thats what I stay for
And I'll keep staying
Because any attention is better than being shunned out of society
Better than isolation
Better, even, than death