Collection of Poems

Thinking to Past

I can feel my blood pumping through my veins
The caffeine coaxing it though
Faster and faster
My heart is pounding
My head is quiet
But my mind is alive
With these memories
I remember you, Father
All the times you acted like you'd try for us
Tried to be a father when you realized
That you could never do that
Despite the fact that you sired 2 children
It took you another 2 years and the death of your fiancé to realize
That you weren't meant to be a father
If only you'd realized after the first child
I wouldn't be here
I wouldn't be struggling
I wouldn't be crying
I wouldn't have sat so many nights,
Awake all the while
Wondering what was so wrong with us that you didn't want us
You left me without a father figure, a hole irreparable
And still it hurts
And you, Mother
I don't understand what was so wrong
Maybe you realized how much you had fucked up your life
Dating a high school dropout
Living in a trailer park
The worst of the worst
You were a drinker and a smoker
An addict
And you still had 2 children
And had next to no income
Maybe that's why you killed yourself
Tied the rope 'round your neck
And stepped off the chair
Slit your wrists to dripping
Now why they have tried to cover it up since
I'm not sure
Maybe they didn't want me to know neither of my parents really wanted us
Cause that shit hurts
But now I know
And fuck
I sometimes wish I didn't
But it is always better to know the truth than to be told a lie
Despite the armor the lie may provide
I prefer to bleed