Stupid Stella (Book 2)

SS 14

Kahit na masama ang aking pakiramdam, hindi pa din ako tumigil sa trabaho. I can't just stop just like that. Tolerable naman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon kaya nga lang, it's very evident that I'm sick. Namumutla ang labi ko, even if I covered it with my Christhetic lip ink, halata pa din sa mukha ko ang pagkapagod. Mayroon din akong sipon at ubo kaya hindi ako nakaligtas. I just wore a black mask para hindi masyadong halata.

My phone beeped. Hinalughog ko ang aking bag para mahanap iyon. Nang makita ko na, binuksan ko ang phone at nakita sa notificationpreview ang pangalan ni Seth.

I'm sorry. I'll give you time...

Bumuntong-hininga ako, wishing if I do it I could just puff out the stress and hurt together with the carbon dioxide. Pero hindi. It's not that easy. How I wish it is easy.

Do I have feelings with Seth? No. Kahit kailan, hindi ko naisip na may hihigit pa sa  pagmamahal ko sa matalik niyang kaibigan. And yes I still love Kedge. I just learned how not to pay attention to my feelings for him that much. I'm still learning to move on though. Unti-unti lang akong nasanay masaktan sa kaniya kaya akala ko, nakalimutan ko na siya. I was wrong.

Everytime I overthink at night, laging sumasagi sa isip ko iyong mga panahong umuwi siya sa Pilipinas to pursue me. Kahit nalaman niyang boyfriend ko ang pinsan niya, hindi pa din siya tumigil. He's willing to choose me over anything. Kahit pa ang relasyonnilang mag pinsan. I loved him very much. Everytime I think about our memory, I can't help but also think how it will remain my favorite memory. Hindi na madadagdagan iyon. We had a nice story with a bad ending.

Kahit na pilitin ko ang sarili na mag-mahal at subukang mag-mahal, hindi ko magawa. It's still him. It will always be him. Sana man lang, makalimutan ko siya ng kahit kaunti. 

Nag-ring ang phone ko kaya napatigil ako sa pag-iisip. I saw Candy's name on it. Hindi na kami masyado pang nag-uusap nina Candy at Marie. They are too busy with their own families. 

"Alam mo namang we neeeeed to catch up right?" bungad sa akin ng madaldal kong kaibigan. Napangiti ako duon. I missed her.

"Yeah." mahina kong sagot. Wala akong enerhiya katulad niya lalo na't may sakit ako ngayon.

"Okay, you know where to meet us tomorrow. The same clubhouse! We'll go somewhere with the Pangs. Clear your sched! Bye!"

"Huh? Wait. I can't"

She stopped, "why?" tanong nito.

I sighed, "I'm busy..." 

What does she mean with the pangs? Kasama ang buong barkada namin noon? Huli kaming nag-outing ng kaming magbabarkada sa Santa Banini pa at kasama si Kedge. That's where I developed feelings for him. Makakapag-enjoy ba ako duon knowing they're all okay and settled while I'm trending and bashed for being a slut? Makakapag-enjoy ba ako duon if I will just reminisce the last outing with them and feel empty because I can't be the same happy Stella?

And what if nanduon si Kedge? Kahit na imposible, I can't help thinking.

"Please, Stellie. We miss you! Ilang taon na nung nagkasama-sama tayo. Everyone's okay with it, they cleared schedules for this..."

"I'm sorry. Alam mo namang may problema diba?" 

I know she's aware na trending ako at ang video na kumakalat sa social media. Sana naman ay hindi siya magtampo at maintindihan niya ako. Punung-puno ang schedules ko and I like it that way. Every time I attempt to relax, I end up crying.

I coughed, "Sorry. Maybe next time?"

"Lol fine." Pinutol niya ang  linya. 

She just added another  heartache. Alam kong nagtatampo ito. Miss ko na din naman sila. Hindi  ko lang sila kayang samahan ngayon. Ayaw kong maalala ang noon. Saka, uusisain lang ako ng mga iyon, I don't want to tell what happened. I am not ready to share. It's fresh and painful. I can't handle that.