Both Sides Now.

Chapter 2

I’m jolted awake in the same fashion as yesterday the alarm clock blasting in my ear. My limp hand feeling for the off button. But it was different it was sunny instead of the rain that pledged my small town. I yawned as I placed my feet on the wooden ground cloths surrounding my feet. I look at my watch that’s placed next to my alarm clock that had just been silenced minutes prior. 7:05 am the tiny hands ticked as I put it on. I stretch and get up. Lumbering towards the bathroom. I see my face. Bags surround my eyes and my beard is getting really bad. I turn on the shower. I wouldn’t usually shower every day. More like once every two days. But I felt gross. From football practice and the amount of sweat that I produced last night. I let cold water warm up. And I get in. Letting the water hit and spray at my back I wash my hair. We’re almost out of shampoo. Now that I think about it we’re almost out-of-body wash too. As I get out and wrap my towel around my waist. I walk out and into my room. Yet again forgetting to shave I go and pull on a pair of underwear when I get a phone call. I pick it up and bring it to my ear.
“Hey, can we go to the spot?” he says. That's a place me and him discovered 3 years ago one summer it's basically where we go when we’re having a bad day. So it must be bad.
“Oh uh yeah sure….I’ll pick you up in like 20, but what about Abby?” I say laying back down starting at my boob light.
“Um yeah I mean we’re probably gonna smoke if she’s ok with that” he says on the other line.
“Ok I’m taking that as a no then”  I say
“Don’t worry I’ll call her” I said hanging up. I call Abby canceling my drive faking that I was sick. Pulling on a new pair of 32 size pants. Jeans today and a black shirt. It’s beautiful no rain and not a single cloud in the sky. So I decide to go without a jacket. Opening the fridge and take a yogurt cup out. I eat it in the kitchen as my father walks in. I take my final bite as I throw it out and leave for Luke’s. Walking down the stone steps the heat warms me making me almost sweat, but there’s a soft breeze that cancels it out. Getting in my car I’m greeted with the smell of dirty laundry and BO. My gym bag is in the back seat and it reeks. I take it out. Swearing the entire walk back to my house, plopping it down next to the wooden door.
My mom’s awake now and sees me do so.
“Can you wash these?” I ask as I’m about to close the door.
“Um yeah honey sure” she says as I say thanks closing the door. Rushing down the stone concrete steps I open the metal car door getting in. Starting it I feel that same old hum that I loved so. As I’m driving I spot that coffee shop/diner that sold the best breakfast and coffee. I decide to drive in to get a coffee for me and Luke. I try to find a spot in the packed parking lot. Getting in I’m greeted with an elongated line. It’s almost too crowded to breath. After 10 minutes it’s my turn and I order 2 cups of coffee one with no cream and one with 2 and a banana bread. I love banana bread. It’s fucking amazing. I pay the man at the counter $5 and wait in the other long line of recipients waiting for their food. The cashier was a beautiful blonde lady. I leave another 10 minutes later and head to Luke’s. He’s already on the side of the street when I arrive. And he gets in the passenger seat. Singing a bag in between his legs.
“Hey”
“Hi” I say driving out of his neighborhood. He lives where all the other white middle class citizens live. “Hey, so you said you were going to your dad’s for supper, but you were with Abby” I say keeping my eyes on the road. I remember that moment  yesterday. He lies to me all the time, but I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and he’s kinda adorable. In that rocker grunge look. He listens to led Zeppelin and nirvana. But his face is so cute, and he has a nice nose. But he lied to me.
“Oh. Um yeah, it was nothing really I mean I just. You were busy”
“Save it. I’m not mad, I mean jealous sure, but I’m not mad. Anyways did you guys kiss yet?”
“Jesus, no we studied”
“Sure. Did you bring the weed?” I ask almost hoping he says no. I honestly hate smoking but with him. It’s fun, everything’s fun with Luke.
Were driving past a mall and traffic is hellish. And I start to think, the party.
“Hey so, there’s a party. Tomorrow, it’s open house and you should come.”
“You’re going to a party, no fucking way”
“I know, but I don’t know.” Should I tell him, tell him about Clint? Everything about everything. He’s the one person I trust.
“What don’t you know?” he says honestly bewildered.
“Ugh, nothing.” I say pulling onto the freeway. The spot is an hour drive and it’s in the middle of nowhere. But it’s nice. To finally get away from people get high and forget.
“It's nothing, why did you want to ditch?” I say as I turn up the radio. “I mean it has to be bad, we haven’t been here in 2 years.” We’re surrounded by trees, and he’s looking out the window.
“I can’t tell you” he says finally.
“What?” I’m shocked. “Dude are you kidding me, you can legitimately tell me anything, we’ve been friends for 12 years, if anything it’s a little offensive if you don’t.” my mouth closes and I keep my eyes on the road.

After what felt like forever he broke the silence.
“I’m sorry”
“Save it”
“No seriously”
“Listen, it’s nothing” I say honestly annoyed.
“Look, if you want to tell me, go ahead but you don’t and honestly I don’t care” I say pulling up on a dirt road.
His lips purse and he looks back out the window. Jeez what’s wrong with me.

Driving through trees and dirt we make it. It’s basically a cliff attached to a waterfall leading down to a lake. It’s absolutely beautiful, with greenery surrounding everything. Luke steps out and takes a deep breath and unzips his backpack.
“I’m not in the mood to smoke” I say looking down at the water below.
He zips his bag back up and slings it over his shoulder.
“You know, it’s crazy. The last time I was here I tried to kill myself.” Luke says. Standing next to me. I didn’t know he tried to do it before. And honestly the face I’m making is probably making it worse.
“What?” I look at him and I think I’m about to cry.
“That’s why I didn’t want to go back”
“Well why are we here now?” I ask sitting letting my legs dangle off the edge. He sits next to me.
“To conquer my fears?” he says, “I’m honestly not sure anymore”
“well I mean that’s awful.” I say going in to hug him. “We can smoke at your house if it makes you feel better” I say as he slings his arm around me.
“I mean it’s your first party, you should get a prep right?” Luke says with a hint of a chuckle.
We stay in that damn spot for at least 3 hours doing who knows what. But on our way back into town I feel like I wanna kiss him. He’s got nice lips. Totally enveloped and soft.  And when he smiles he’s so awkward and sweet. Nearly as sweet as Clint.
We stop at a shoppers when we arrive in town. And I’m only there for a bag of chips, but he throws a box of condoms at me.
“What are these for?”
“Tomorrow, jeez everyone hooks up at parties, safe sex is good sex” Luke said as I paid for the condoms and chips. I look at the time. School should be letting out soon. And honestly it felt good, to have a day off.
As I pull up into Luke’s driveway we both get out. His mom’s making supper as we both head into his room upstairs. His room is nice, small and cozy but nice. There’s banners on his wall and plastic lightsabers on his wall. He opens his window and crawls through it onto the roof. I follow as he lights a blunt. Laying I’m staring at him. I look at my watch 4:00pm school just let out.
“You honestly can’t tell anyone”
“What?” he asked
“alright, um” I say 2 words I’m gay. That’s it. “Actually it’s nothing.” I say taking the blunt he was passing I take a puff and cough nearly falling off the roof.
“You love her don’t you” I say in loopy tone. He laughs and looks at me.
“I don’t know. Maybe-” he says
And I lean in to kiss him. We lock lips. Mine and his. He pulls away quickly and looks at me. Like he’s gonna kill me. I look like I’m about to cry.
“Oh my god, sorry”
“What the fuck!” he says standing up.
“I didn’t mean to do it” I say moving away from him.
“Are you gay?!” he asked rapidly
I take a while to respond. “Yes?, Yeah. Please don’t tell anyone, Luke please” my voice is cracky.
“Jesus. Maybe, you should go” he says making his way to his window.
“No wait, please don’t go!” I say as he makes his way into his room. I’m crying as he leaves and I’d rather jump off a roof then go into his room. I look down and slip. Falling almost 10 feet I’m left breathless on his grass laden yard practically dead.

After 10 minutes or, so I get up and drive home. Jesus Christ, literally everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Everything. I also have to work tonight, great. I skip going home and just head to work. I work at a burger joint, downside it’s a burger joint, plus side. It’s a burger joint. But through my entire shift I’m pledged with the thought that I had just screwed up a 12-year friendship. And then Clint comes up. GREAT.
“Hey, oh hi Clint. What can I get you” I ask ready to take his order.
“Oh hi Tom uh I’ll have a cheese burger with bacon” he says as he’s looking for his wallet. Padding his pockets.
“It’s on the house” I say as I know he definitely forgot it.
“Wow. Thanks, uh so why weren’t you at school?” he says looking at me, and I think I blush or something because he looks away.
“Uh no reason I was sick” I said. “What did I miss?”
“Oh nothing we finished the movie in bio and in Chem we watched a video on atoms.” He says as I place his burger and a side of fries on a tray accompanied by a coke.
“I didn’t order fries or a drink” he says.
“Like I said, it’s on the house” I say as I push his tray towards him.
“Are you meeting anyone?” I say.
“Um not yet, I’m early Alex, Kyle and Kelly are coming later.” He says.
“Oh I get off in like ten minutes if you wanted company in the meantime”
“oh uh yeah sure” he says and I kid you not. He’s smiling. God I love him.
I order myself a meal as I clock in early. And change into “people clothes”. And I make my way towards Clint, and my mobile rings. It’s Abby I pick up, and she sounds furious.
“Hey so you were sick eh?” she says, “can you yell at me later? I’m really busy” I say as I sit down across from Clint.
“No, Tom you went off with Luke and didn’t invite me what the hell”
“Blame him, I asked if you could come”
“He told me you kissed him” Jesus fucking Christ this is not happening.
“Yeah I did, but that doesn’t have anything to do with this. Can I call you later?” I say hanging up.
“Wow who was that?” Clint says laughing into his burger. Clint’s kinda chubby, but he holds it so well. He has broad shoulders and meaty legs.
“Abby” I say. “Truth be told, I wasn’t even sick. I just wanted a break” I ate my burger and honestly it's so good.

After I’m done my burger I realized how late it was. Nearly 9pm. And Alex and Kyle and Kelly aren’t here yet.
“Shit, I had no idea it was that late” I say as I get up to leave, “I gotta go. But I’ll see you tomorrow” I say as I rush out. And I swear to god he said see ya. In that totally romantic way.
I drive home nearly crashing into another car as I’m completely love struck.

Arriving home, I creek open the door and step through. My dad’s in the kitchen.
“Hey, where were you after school?”
Right in their mind I went to school.
“Oh I went to work, sorry” I said walking past him for a cup of water. Getting into my room I press the boom box that’s on my desk and it blasts good music. Jesus. What’s wrong with me. Then I remember Abby. I call her and an annoyed voice comes through.
“Yeah?”
“Um, yeah. Guess you already know, but please don’t tell anyone. I don’t know how people will react, I mean we aren’t that progressive. And you and Luke aren’t taking this well ” I say as I’m laying down on my bed staring at my boob light.
“I won’t tell anyone. But why would you kiss him?”
“Same reason you would” I respond rubbing my eyes.
“Listen I’m not mad.” She says.
“I’m not either”
“Luke is”
“I know” I say.
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know” I say.
“It sucks.” She says and I feel like she’s in the same position as me.
“Listen please don’t tell anyone. And don’t let Luke tell anyone” I say
“I won’t” she says and I think she’s smiling and crying.
“Ok, I gotta go. I love you” I say as I hang up. 2 down. Now the rest of the world. The stars dance as I look out the window. And then I think of Luke. Every memory I’ve ever had with him. My music is still playing and I start to cry. Tears of sadness? Tears of joy. Every emotion making an appearance as I press my face into a soft pillow.

Getting ready the next morning I try calling Luke. Nothing
Going out into the kitchen I see my dad in the same fashion. Except today he’s eating a bowl of cereal. I take a peek in the fridge and there’s nothing.
“We gotta go grocery shopping” I say under my breath as I take the carton of milk out. I look in the cabinet and pull the box of what looks to be a knockoff version of frosted flakes. Going by the name of sugar flakes, how original. It all tastes the same. And it’s stale, of course. I end up eating it fast then I’m out the door. My backpack on my shoulder and blue canvas shoes on my feet. I’m wearing shorts and a white tee. Getting in my car. Then I stop for coffee in the ridiculously long line. And I order one for me and Abby, I would’ve got one for Luke. But honestly I’m not sure he’s even gonna take my ride. He’ll probably take the bus. The bus is crowded as is and it’s loud and annoying, and I doubt it’ll ever change. Stopping at Abby’s house she’s wearing a nice dress and when she gets in I hand her an iced coffee instead of the traditional mouth burning hot that we’ve grown accustomed too.
“Luke took the bus” Abby says twirling her straw around the cup.
“I figured” I said passing by his house. “Listen everything will end up fine. Me and Jen get into stupid fights all the time” Abby says looking at me.
“Yeah but has it ever been about a secret gay guy that kissed his best friend? Didn’t think so” I say and honestly I can’t stand him. At least if it was me then I’d at least try to keep everything together.

I’m barely awake at school that day. And Luke’s avoiding eye contact and conversation. Sitting across the room in French than with me and even leaving to eat lunch somewhere else.
“I can’t believe him” I say sitting down, as I see him walk away.
“What happened?” Jen asked as she ate chicken noodle soup from a metal thermos. Steam rising from the delicious broth.
“Long story” I say as Abby gets up.
“I’m going to the caf” she says before leaving, but part of me knows she’s going to walk with Luke. So me and Jenn go over some chemistry homework when I see Clint. God it’s like he’s everywhere I love it.
“So bismuth? Where is it” Jenn says, “On the left, right here” I say pointing at the opposite side.
“Tom are you serious?”
“Hey Clint” I blurt out. His dark brown hair is messy and his lips are so kissable. He’s got fair skin and a beautiful smile. And deep blue eyes.
“Hey” he says, “what's the answer to no.3?” he says squatting getting his  black binder out.
“-36” Jen says as she smiles
“Wow thanks” Clint says yeah thanks a lot.
“Have you decided if you’re going to the party tonight?” he says. Oh! right that’s still a thing.
“Oh uh yeah. Totally. I’m going” Say and I’m pretty sure my smile is completely stupid but it’s whatever it’s him. And then I remember. The condoms are in my wallet.
“Well me and the boys are meeting at Alex’s before it stars maybe 7ish, if you want to come. You know designated driver’s”  Alex lives 5 minutes away from me, and we used to be really good friends before he became popular. I mean I’m popular too but not as popular as him. He’s handsome and well. Straight. And a hella good football player.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be there” I say and I’m honestly a mess. God I hope he’s gay. His stupid smile and beautiful eyes. I nearly get a boner thinking about him. The lunch bell rings and I get up and wave goodbye to him. And he waves back. But Luke sees me and I feel all happiness leave my body as his awful gaze made my stomach quench and I feel like I’m gonna throw up. 

I’m so sorry.