Both Sides Now.

Chapter 3

The final bell rings and I practically run down the stairs in the cluster of people. Every face didn’t seem to care. I was the only one who mattered. Me and this party. The second the hot air heats my face I’m running into the parking lot. Opening my car door and pretty much throwing my bag at the passenger seat. I pull the keys out of the many pockets of the bag, and started it. it’s familiar hum was comforting. Nearly speeding home. The party’s in 3 hours. I jump into the shower and I stay in there a little too long. Because I’m a prune when I get out my fingertips wrinkled and shriveled up. I shave (finally) and comb my messy hair I find a really cute grey short sleeved polka dot covered dress shirt. I pull on a pair of black pants that hug my legs and I make sure my ass looks ok in the mirror I do a few squats to make sure it's perfect. my hands struggle to strap on my watch and I catch a glimpse at the time. I have an hour. If I weren't such an idiot I should probably pick up Luke. OH WAIT we aren’t exactly on speaking terms anymore, but I would enjoy is company. Anyone’s company would be better than this. I pick up the mobile and dial his number. Please pick up. That’s all I need. PLEASE.
“Hey” his voice is ruff almost as if he was holding back tears.
“Hi. Uh yeah. Sorry,”
“what do you want Tom.”
“I want to say-” he hangs up. I’m left more frustrated than anything and I chuck my phone onto my bed. And I want to punch my best friend in the face. Honestly I don’t know anymore. But I gotta man up because I have to go to Alex’s and if he knew I was crying, it would probably be worse than the gay jokes. God I forgot I was gay. That’s what started all of this. I wipe my nose with my hand and dry my tears. I’m gonna have the time of my life. Kiss Clint and maybe more. I think going towards the door placing my car keys on the kitchen counter.
“Where are you going?” I hear my dad’s voice. Of course the one thing stopping me. I forgot to ask my parents.
“Uh yeah there’s a party down by Megs tonight and I’m going?” I say poking my head into their bedroom.
“Car keys?”
“Already on the counter,” I say walking towards the door.
“Hey, I love you, and have fun!” I hear my mother’s voice before I close the door. It’s beautiful out. Finally, may weather is in our favor and my feet are greeted with hard concrete, as I walk out I see like 5 cars all in Alex’s drive way. Is he having a party? I think as I walk over. I see them outside. In their party clothes looking like frat boys. I’m pretty sure Alex already has a beer in his hand. So much for safe driving.
“Aye there’s my man,” Alex says in a slurred voice.
“Hey Alex.” He gives me a bear hug and I’m lifted off my feet. Kyle hands me a beer and I decline passing it to Alex who’s just downed I don’t know maybe his 4th beer? But he takes it happily.
“He’s not our driver right?” I ask to mostly Clint.
“Nah that’s Ethan,” I hear Kyle’s voice as he slings his arm around me.
“Alright you drunk babies get in.” I hear Ethan’s voice come in the direction of a broken down minivan. It’s got character. I get in thinking It's gonna smell like BO and smoke but it smells like flowers and bleach. He must’ve cleaned it because it’s spotless. Alex, Clint and Kyle are all singing highway to hell as Ethan’s eyes are locked on the road. Zane’s in the back with me, and he’s laughing. Soon I’m laughing too and it’s great. I’m pretty sure we’re the only sober ones besides Ethan. Everything’s great. And for a second I forget about Luke. Everything that’s happened in the past few days. Everything horrible and amazing and perfect. The Golden rays of dusk makes everything feel right. I love it. And then that gut feeling of anxiety comes hurtling towards me. And I don’t have time to react, and I’m thrown back into reality. I realize. He’s never coming back. He’s lost, gone, Forever.
“Alright you little shits. Get out, ” Ethan’s voice is drowned by Alex’s loud burp. It’s an annoying drunk burp that smells of yeast and fizzing piss. Ethan gets out. And so do I. Zane’s stretching his arms and Clint well. He’s with Alex running towards the house. Meg’s outside a cold bottle of beer in her hand. She waves and I wave back. And Ethan kisses her. I had no idea they were dating. Honestly it’s a little surprising. He’s probably the ugliest one out of all of us, but I guess maybe it’s his personality.
“Get inside losers,” I hear her voice as I see Zane head towards the house. And I’m following close behind him. Just by looking at the house I can tell the party’s been going on for a while. Loud laughs and gleaming neon lights make their way through the window. Walking in its ten times worst. I get handed a beer instantly and everyone’s singing to baby got back. The most straight song in the history of history, but it’s catchy as hell and I find myself singing the lyrics with every other Drunk guy. Pretending I’m straight isn’t too bad. I mean it’s kinda fun. I take a swig from my bottle and go to find Clint. He’s in the kitchen, eating a slice of pizza when I find him. He was talking to Kelly a cheerleader who’s extremely flexible. I sling my arm around Clint’s neck and I think he’s surprised because his shoulders tense up.  I get touchy when I’m drunk. And I can’t even think straight literally. But I’m on my 2nd and Clint is beautiful.
“Hmm how did I lose mine?” Meg says trying to remember. “I think it was Michael Spinner,” she said taking another drink.
“Tom how’d you lose your virginity?” Meg asks, and we’re sitting on the ground now. Still, in the kitchen but my arms not on Clint’s anymore.
“Uhhhh.” shit I’m still a virgin. I guess it could be better time than ever to out myself. Maybe not. Best just say I’m straight and keep it quiet. “Um yeah I’m still a virgin,” I say laughing and blushing way too much.
“Wait really?” Clint says. Honestly astonished
“Wow and I thought I was bad.” Zane said he only had sex last summer, but it’s better than me.
“Maybe tonight’s your lucky night,” Clint says. “What kind of guy are you. Ass or boobs?”
Is penis an answer? I think to myself.
“Butts” I say. Guys have butts. It’s not a lie.
“Hmm.” Ethan said. And honestly I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this.

After an hour the party dies down, and we go into the living room. Me Clint Ethan Zane Megan and Kelly are sat in a circle, and we’re watching TV. I’m beyond drunk.
“Guys let’s play truth or dare,” I hear Meg's voice.
“Yeah why not.” Ethan’s voice comes in too.
“Alright. Clint truth or dare,” Meg says.
“Uh dare.” he says.
“Ok. Um take off all your clothes except your underwear.” She says smiling and I’m terrified.
“Fine,” he says getting up and taking off his shirt. This could go so bad. Thank god for throw pillows. I grab one and place it over my groin area, because I know it’s gonna spring up, and well it does. He’s chubbier then I thought but it’s so perfect that it doesn’t even matter and his ass. Jesus his ass. Also, his legs are legitimate tree trunks. And he’s relatively hairy. The best combo in a guy. Also, he’s got a bulge. A huge one. Jesus it’s like he’s hard too. I try to avert my eyes, but he’s too perfect. And then he pulls his pants back up and I’m blushing. And I hear wolf howls when he puts his shirt back on. Most likely by Ethan and Zane.
“Alright uh Tom truth or dare,” Clint says
Feeling brave I say
“Dare?” and I instantly regret it.
“Ok um kiss the most beautiful person here.” He says.
“Well we’re the only single ones here and I’m not kissing someone who’s got a boyfriend.” I say looking at him.
“Well it’s a dare fucking kiss me,” he says drunkenly.
“Ok.”I say and lean in. And I have butterflies building up in my stomach. And we lock lips. For a second and everyone claps. I mean Zane and Ethan looks really uncomfortable but Kelly and Megan looks really happy for a weird reason. And he starts to laugh while we’re still in the mites of our “make out session” and he  pushes me off.
“Wow has anyone ever told you that you’re an amazing kisser? Because they’re wrong,” I lie remember I’m a straight.
“That has to be the gayest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. And my brother’s gay,” Ethan says. Ethan’s gay brother Garrett went off to university a year ago and I’ve always been jealous of him.
“It was a kiss Ethan doesn’t mean anything, also If I would have kissed Meg or Kelly I’m pretty sure you’d kill me,” I say Ethan is very protective of Kelly I honestly don’t know why he’s so protective. She’s dating Alex
“Where’s Kyle? And Alex now that I think about it.” Kelly says.
“Probably fucking,” Megan says Laughing as she gets up. And I go after her. Clint Kelly and Ethan are watching MTV and I’m maneuvering around drunk people and I make it to the kitchen.
“Hey um I wanted to ask you something but can we go to your bedroom? It’s really important,” I say and I honestly can’t walk anymore. It’s more of a stumble and limp.
“Uh yeah sure.” she says throwing me a bottle of water. “It’ll help,” as she leads me up the stairs I nearly fall down six times. But I make it up there nonetheless. Her room is cozy and smells like candy with a hint of weed.
I sit on her bed, and she sits next to me.
“I’m sorry I broke up with you. I was so stupid. And you deserve way better,” I say fiddling with my water bottle.
“Ok so I need to tell you something.” I say
“Save it.” her hands on my thigh her nails are painted navy blue, and she moves it closer to my groin area. I move trying to show her that I’m not into it, but she grabs my shirt, and she kisses me. It’s soft. Nice but not for me. It's like a faulty match. But we keep going. We’re French kissing. Our tongues in each others mouth and I pull off her shirt. I take my shirt off too. And I’m unbuckling my belt when I realize I’m gay. And that I’m not even hard. Just think of Clint god…. Nothing.
She pulls down my pants and underwear.
“Sorry. It’s not you. Must be the beer” I say looking down. But she keeps kissing me. Going down my chest. I pull up my pants.
“I gotta go.”
“wait!” she moans kissing my neck.
“Meg you’re dating Ethan. I have to go.”
“I love you Tommy!”
“I love you too. But I really have to go.” I say buttoning my shirt and buckling my belt again. Jesus I’m so stupid, as I leave I see she’s sat at her bed. Still, shirtless. Her bra is still on and her pants are on but that’s the most I’ve seen of her. Her upstairs hallway is a series of doors and I honestly just need to pee. But I can’t confront her. I open a random door to see Alex. His massive member out but it’s not Kelly he’s with. It’s another girl. I think her name’s Kayla or Kyra but I honestly have no idea. God what do I do. “Tom!” he says covering himself with a blanket
“Sorry I was looking for the bathroom!” I say closing the door. And seeing Kyle walking out of a room rubbing his mouth. He was throwing up or giving head either or it’s a little pathetic. That must be the bathroom. I Walk-in and it smells like puke. But I relieve my bladder. Walking down the stairs I realize I don’t have a drive. My drives Ethan but I don’t know if he’d want to go at 11:30.
“Hey,” I say. Plopping down on the couch. Next to Clint. And then Megan comes down the stairs and sits on a armchair. It’s really awkward. I mouth the words I’m sorry but it’s no use. I’m useless. Should I just tell her? No she’s tell everyone in the school. Not a good thing. So I keep my mouth shut and I watch what’s on the TV.
“Can we go yet?” I ask looking at Ethan with those slurred drunk words.
“We can if you want too yeah. But what about Alex” he replies about to get up.
“He’s asleep.” I blurt out. “I saw him. When I went to use the bathroom.”
“Alex sleeps like a log. There’s no way we’re moving him,” Kyle says and then I see Zane. He’s got lipstick all over his face in small little lip forms. His hair is messy and his shirt looks like it was thrown off. All wrinkly, and he didn’t re tuck his shirt.
“Well we found Zane.” I hear from the living room as I get up to get some water. I take a glass and it’s beautiful. The cold fluid rushing down my throat gave me instant relief.
“Alright Tom come on,” I hear Ethan’s voice “we’re leaving Alex.”
“it's fine really babe, I’ll take care of him,” Meg says to Ethan. I forgot they were dating. So far I may have just ruined two relationships if I don’t keep my mouth shut.

I'm in her driveway and I feel the Now hot flat yeast broth come back up. And then it happens I throw up in a bush like I had the stomach flu.
“Whoa. Tom!” Zane encourages in a totally football way. Once it’s out of my system literally I honestly just need a nice cold glass of fruit punch. Not the cheap ones in juice boxes but the big old jugs. I get into Ethan’s car and Clint is besides me now. Zane’s in the front with Ethan and Kyle is in the back.
“Jeez I’m so drunk!” I say looking at him.
“Ha me too,” drunk laughter. It’s kinda amazing.
“By the way. You have nice lips.” I say in my drunk tone. Why am I like this. Somebody stop me!
“Wow thanks Tommy, you should probably work on your kissing game some more,” he’s drunk, and he’s funny.
“Well you got me there.” I’m laughing now and then it hits me. He isn’t gay. Maybe he is. I’m just gonna ask him.
“Listen. I’m just curious, are you gay? cause you seemed to want to kiss me really badly,” I said looking at his face. I feel fuzzy and I don’t think it’s because of the beer.
“No. No I’m not gay. I’m drunk Tom there’s a difference. Also, you wanted it too,” He says and my heart plummets to my stomach. He also called me Tom. This is a first
“Yeah glad we’re on the same page.” I say. I’m Glad he’s drunk.  I don’t know how things would have gone if he was sober. Maybe he’s just too drunk to realize. Maybe he is gay and just isn’t telling me. Ugh I don’t even know anymore. But Ethan pulls into my driveway and I get out.
“Dude. Thank you so much, you the man,” I say closing the car door.
I stumble to the door and let myself in. It’s dark. And my parents are asleep. I try not to knock anything over and I’m pretty successful. Arriving at my bedroom I turn my light on And face plant onto the bed. Screaming into my pillow. Why the fuck did I go! Why would I do that to myself. I found out Alex is cheating. Megan is probably cheating. And Clint. He’s not gay! He’s not and I’ve been throwing myself for him. And Luke. I forgot about him. He’s dumb and everything that could go wrong is. Going wrong.

I ruffle up my hair and stare out my window. I want to kiss him. I want to kiss Clint while I’m sober and I can remember what’s happening. I want him to remember. Have consent if I do. And maybe he is the one. I end up turning on my TV and watching the news. Nothing ground-breaking at 12 in the morning so it’s a rerun of the day. Every event every moment all in one place. I travel to my kitchen and grab the whole jug of fruit punch. And I make 3 pb&j sandwiches. I eat when I’m sad. Well I eat when I’m sad, stressed, anxious and angry. Literally every emotion makes me hungry. I pull out a piece of paper. And I start rambling. Writing down every single thing on my mind. And Luke comes up. And I write to him. If he’s not gonna answer my phone calls he’s gotta read this. Maybe his sister will. Anyways the page has turned to 3 all double-sided all completely filled with words. To him.
I end up passing out in a heap on my bed. My face pressed into my pillow. That damn soft pillow. Everything feels right on my bed. Maybe it’s because I’m so sleep deprived but I can't even be mad at everyone. Because they aren’t here. They aren’t with me. They aren’t a part of me. I’m myself. My gay self. Alone.

When I wake up I have a giant headache. That comfy bed did nothing for my back and I can feel drool stuck to my mouth. It takes 10 minutes to just open my eyes. And I realize it’s Saturday. God bless weekends. The morning lights shining through my window. And everything’s soar. I look at my watch and it’s 11:30. I forgot to take off last night. Actually I only took off my pants. My shirt and underwear are the same as the night before. Jesus. What happened? I thought moving slowly, putting my feet to the floor. The news is still on. And I flip the channel to a celebrity talk show. They have a celebrity guest on and their talking about the latest spring fashion. Even though it’s basically summer. I can hear a bustle and bout in the kitchen and I think my mom’s washing the dishes. And I forgot about the party. That God awful excuse for a party. Full of cold fizzing beer and drama. That I honestly wanted to avoid.
Alex. He’s cheating on Kelly. They’ve been dating for over a year now. And I seriously can’t believe he’d do that. I knew he was a dick but this is taking it to a whole new level. And Megan. She’s dating Ethan. One of my friends more of a friend  than Megan. And Jesus I almost think I’m gonna throw up again. I throw on a pair of basketball shorts and go into the kitchen. The smell of bacon invades my nose and I realize how hungry I am. I’m starving. My mom’s smile is the first thing that greets me and I’m rubbing my eyes sleepily.
“Morning sweetie,” she hasn’t called me that in ages.
“Hey.” I say. My voice raw and rough.
“Jesus, guess you partied a little too hard Hun?” she said. My reaction is weird because it’s questionable. Like she insulted me to my face. That mix of confusion and Fury.
“What?” I ask looking at her. “I didn’t even drink that much.”
“You drank enough to be awake till 4 in the morning.” Her voice was stern “and where is the fruit punch?” shit. I drank the entire jug last night, and I do not regret it one bit.
“I drank it last night, why?” I asked taking a slice of bacon and taking a bite.
“I was going to drink it,” she said cracking a egg on the pan. It bubbled and sizzled and popped becoming golden brown underneath. “Anyways I’m glad you didn’t drink and drive.”
“Yeah. Me too,” I said.

I made myself an egg when she says, and I added the essentials. Salt and pepper. I added cheese and put 2 pieces of beautifully crafted bread into the toaster. When they pop out of the black miniature oven perfectly fit for 2 pieces of bread I add it all together. The perfect breakfast sandwich. Perfect golden toast on perfectly cooked bacon on top of perfectly melted cheese on top of a perfect egg underneath another perfect piece of golden toast. Then cutting it in half I wait to eat it. I go to the bathroom emptying my bladder I try to fix my permanently messy hair, but it’s no use. Jeez I look awful. I think looking in the mirror. As I’m walking out I take a bite out of the perfect sandwich and it melts in my mouth. It’s totally perfect and beautiful. I never want it to end, but as with all good things. It dose and I’m honestly disappointed.

I decide to put on my running shoes, and that I’d take coach’s words that I need to work out my legs. Even though they’re pretty defined. Putting on a headset and blasting some music. Everything’s blocked out except my vision. Opening the front door. The heat hits my body and it feels really nice. Even though I don’t feel nice at all, I feel so sluggish and tired from last night. But it’s nice all the same. I walk down the cement steps and started a steady jog. I pass by Alex’s house. Wonder if he spent the night at Meg’s? Maybe she found him with the girl Kayla? Kyra? Jeez I can’t believe he’d do that. Well boys will be boys.

I’m at the end of my street when I see the coffee shop. It’s really not that far from my house now that I think about it. Maybe a 15-minute walk. I forgot my wallet Jesus I’m dumb. I think running to my house. Bursting through the door. I scramble to my room and grab my leather wallet that’s been thrown on my dresser last night and doing a sprint I pass by Alex’s house. Again and about 20 minutes later I see the coffee shop. It’s small in perspective but it’s there accompanied by a McDonald’s and best buy. Walking in its almost as crowded as before but some new faces. There’s a boy on a laptop he’s wearing a beanie and his sleeves are rolled up. He’s typing frantically on the laptop and I’m starting to wonder what he’s writing. The boy was about my age, and he had brown hair mixed with gold. And then I have to order. I’m caught of guard and studded
“Uh. I’ll. Um, I’ll have a iced coffee”
“OK that’ll be $2.30” the cashier says and I hand him a $5 bill.
After I get my cup I wander around to get a better look at the boy. He’s got about 3 books and pages surrounding him. The boy looks up and I’m blankly staring at him I blink and look away blushing hard. He smiles at me and takes a sip from his cup. And then I walk out. Basically running out into the street.

Sweating I open my door. Placing my hands on my head I try to catch my breath. I wander into my room and set my half empty cup on top of my dresser. And then I hear the mobile ring. I answer it and it’s Clint. Jeez I forgot about him
“Hey.”
“Hi,”
“About last night.” he says he sounds awful.
“What about it?” I say then I remember that we kissed.
“The kiss.”
“The kiss. Um it was nothing Clint, you’re straight. I’m straight,” I lied about that last part but I’m not ready for him to know.
“OK I just wanted to make sure that it didn’t make you uncomfortable. Because it made me uncomfortable and I hate that I even did that.” He spoke almost as if I wasn’t into it.
“You know you’re a good kisser right?” I say just to shut him up. Also, how did he get my number? He must have asked Alex.
“Jeez are you sure you aren’t gay?” he says and I nearly blurt out that I am. But part of me stops myself.
“I’m positive,” I say and I hear him laugh.
“Thank god I thought for a while that I kissed a gay guy, and he was into it. And-”
“Are you gay?” I cut him off.
“What? God no.”
“Ok just making sure.” I’m heart broken.  And I hear his mom calling from another room.
“Shit. I got to go I’ll see you later.” and he’s gone. I hang up and sit down siding down my wall. My hand meets my head and I’m rubbing my forehead. And then I hear a knock at my door. It opens and my mother walks in.
“Hey I washed your gym clothes,” she spoke holding a laundry basket.
“Alright I’ll put it away, thanks.” I say as she placed it down besides me.

So Clint’s not gay. Not bi not anything except straight. And then strangely enough Luke comes into my head. And I look at my phone that’s next to me. My fingers graze the numbers. Feeling the buttons. And I dial his number. My fingers on the call button, but something's stopping me. It’s been a few days since I’ve actually said hi to him or had a conversation with him. I stop myself. Placing the phone besides me.

I need him to be gay.