Both Sides Now.

Chapter 15

      Flipping through the pages of a moldy handed down text book from the early 70s biology 12 papers sprawled out in front of me since I’ve got a test the day I get back it’s been a few days since Christmas and news years Eve is tomorrow night. And the fact that we’re all gonna be there makes me feel amazing. It’s late around 1:30 and the night sky is harsh and fridged. The phone rings bringing me back to reality I bring it up to my ear and I hear the voice of Luke Collins comes through the other line.
“Hey” he says
“Hi” I say rubbing my eyes.
“Look outside” Luke’s voice calls as I look out my bedroom window to see his dark car in the parking lot outside my house.
“Why are you outside my house”
“listen, Tom let’s go for a drive” ever since that late sorrowful night I haven’t gotten the thought of him out of my mind. His voice, his body, his everything. Climbing into the passenger side of the car he looks at me with kind eyes, and hits the gas pedal sending us flying. It’s late but it’s not late enough to disturb the peace.  Driving out into the country music exploding through the speakers I wait desperately for a sign. A sign that he’s interested.

Pulling up down a dirt road we’re here. Our spot, it’s been a long time since the both of us were here together, and it’s nice. Really nice.
“Hey why are we here?” I ask questionably.
“It’s our spot. Just somewhere for us, for me and you” ok that sounds really gay, Luke are you trying to tell me something? I think looking at him with concerned eyes.
“Uhhh yeah, where are you going with this”
“Abby wants me to move in with her after we graduate.” He says and I’m flabbergasted.
“We were supposed to do that” I say a little defensively.
“Yeah yeah I know, just hear me out” he says “schools almost done we’re almost free I think I’m gonna do it”
“Good for you” I say “what about Lenny?” I ask Luke’s family dog who grew a strange attachment to him and no one else.
“I can probably talk my mom into giving him to me.” He says and I can’t help but smile.
“Dude that is so great, I’m thinking of university’s I might go to new York for a bit, but I don’t think id make it there, so maybe somewhere close you know”
“We’re finally here Tom” he says and we haven’t even gotten out of the car I mean the spot isn’t exactly accessible in the winter with a thick layer of snow covering nearly everything.
He ends up turning around and we head back into tiny Moncton.
“Promise me you won’t forget me” I say after a long silence.
“What?” he asks and he's playing dumb.
“You know with Abby in the picture we haven’t really hung out like we used too.” I say fumbling with my thumbs.
“What are you talking about? What are we doing right now?” he asks with a questioning tone  
“Listen you know I know, it’s fine I’m just stating facts” my voice cracks and I can’t help but blush at how embarrassing I am when I’m angry or nervous. I’m 17 how do I still have voice cracks? It’s like I’m going through a never ending puberty.  
Luke looks at me and I can’t help but laugh a little.
“did your voice just crack?” he asks I nod in response and he laughs with me. Which is all I really need right now. Whenever we get this way I can't help but laugh hysterically.  
“Ok let’s drive you home” he says in-between laughs.

Opening my front door I want to curl up in bed and just die of exhaustion I dozed off into nothingness and I forget for a second that I’m gay.  That my homosexuality basically ruined my high school years and that I’m alone. It doesn’t really hurt, it’s just a gut feeling that it’ll never happen, that I’m not good enough.
New year’s is approaching quicker then expected, with time wasted when I should be studying. I can see it now, late nights at each other's houses intertwined with one another, and I look at his beautiful eyes and wonder. How in the heck are they so beautiful.

Knocking on Luke’s front door he answers immediately and the look on his face gives me a little hope. He pats my back and he leads me inside to where Abby is sat with a happy new years hat on. Something tells me that she put this whole thing together. There’s streamers and glitter all over the place. Tunes are playing on a speaker in the kitchen and there’s pop bottles situated on the counter, you know those really big ones that you only buy when you’re having a party yeah those ones. Alfie and Quinn are already there and Jen cancelled last minute so we’re all waiting for Michael the cute American stoner to arrive. Abby pulls out a cake when he walks through the door. The giant pan cake that’s got white frosting and the words to bad you’re leaving written in green icing you know that really good gel stuff that kids would go ape shit for.
“Wow thanks” he says smiling as Abby hands him the cake.
“I’m gonna miss you buddy” Luke said as he smiled charmingly.
It’s 10:30 and we’re all getting hyped up, it’s a new years tradition to watch the ball drop so we’re watching the news.  Queen is playing quietly in the background as everyone is sat on the carpeted floor playing cards. And I feel Alfie watch me from the other side of the room. And the sudden urge to pee is unbearable.
“I’ll be right back” I call before getting up and Luke gets up to get more root beer. The only type of beer at this party.

Washing my hands I hear a slight knock on the door, it’s soft and gentle and quiet. I open it and Alfie is on the other side of the door. Pushing me deeper into the bathroom he locks lips with mine and I can’t help but kiss back. We keep kissing never wanting it to stop, never wanting it to stop.
“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time” he says quietly between bated breaths.
“Me too” I say and I can’t believe Alfie freaking Jones is gay and into me. Out of everyone.  Can feel him move closer and feel my chest. I move away gently and look into his green gold eyes. They’re so beautiful. And his beautiful face is staring back at me, “why me?” I say before we stop kissing.
“What?” he asks.
“Well you could have gone for Dwight, or I’m sure there’s a football player who’s gay. why me?”
“because it’s you, you’re eternally messy hair and beautiful blue eyes that keep eye contact just a moment longer, or the way you smile. When nobody’s watching. Or the way you laugh at your own jokes” I didn’t even realize half these things he’s saying.
“Are you sure?” I say moving to hold his hand. Our pinky fingers are millimeters apart and I can hear his heartbeat.
“I know I’ve only known you for a good few months, but I think I love you.” He says and I can’t help but blush bright red.
“I could say the same thing, but that’s so cheesy.” I say “how about I just kiss you again” I say leaning in for another breathtaking amazing kiss, and he goes in for one too.
“We should uh go back to the party eh?” he says and I smile even more.

Alfie freaking Jones is gay, and so am I.