Both Sides Now.

Chapter 4

It’s been an agonizing week since the party, and nothing's really changed. Luke’s still avoiding me and Clint is still my friend. I think. Jen is stressing over exams and Quinn has been helping me with bio even though I swear she’s getting sick of me asking the difference between the different parts between animal cells plant cells. Jeez why can’t they all be the same. Abby’s been supportive and taken the mantle of best friend Alex and the jocks are still assholes and I swear I nearly got a boner last Wednesday. I say nearly because I ran out the door before it could get bad football practice would never be the same. Ugh why can’t I just quit. Just stop caring, but I can’t. I can’t Because I don’t want to. I mean the whole gay thing doesn’t scare me. It should, but it doesn’t. Its weird I don’t feel different or strange, but I am. I’m a raging homo. Yep that’s me. Tommy Everitt the gay, but I just want to be Tom, maybe Tommy.

“I don’t know this damn formula, I’m going to fucking fail!” Jen said flinging her head up hitting it on the cushioned booth that we were statured at on late Friday night. The coffee house was basically empty except for a boy. Who was frantically typing something on his laptop. Actually he looked fairly familiar where have I seen him.
“Jesus Tom are you even Listening?”
“Uh- yeah.” I say turning my attention to her. She had a cup of coffee next to her and papers sprawled out in front of us. She was looking at a formula and frowning at something. It was the sheet of course but what was on it.
“Tommy. This isn’t right. Bismuth it’s on the right,” Jen said slapping my shoulder. I should really have that memorized by now.
“Jeez I’m sorry.” I say eyeing the boy again. He started to pack up, but he smiled at me as he left. I must’ve been staring but he seemed interesting. And then a new person came into my head. Luke, I actually liked Luke for a longer time than I'd like to say. But Clint blurred my vision and I knew Luke was straight but I kissed him for a reason. Back in grade 10 I had the biggest crush on him. But I couldn’t tell anyone. And I thought I got over it. Clint was a cover up, but I thought maybe, he could be at least bi, but I guess not, and Token masculinity doesn’t help either you just mention the fact that you like them, and they get all defensive and push you away. Also, for the fact that only 2 people know it’s proven very difficult.
“Tom  positive or negative?” Jen says angrily. “Ugh I should have done this with Abby,”
“Oh uh positive,” I say barely paying attention.
“It’s negative. Are you even looking at the formula?” no I think.
“Yeah,” I end up saying as I get up to get a donut.
“Hi um could I get a Boston cream donut please?” I say pointing at the delicious donut behind the glass.
“Yep that’ll be 1.50,” he says and I pull out my wallet. I pay him and get my donut in return. I’m already eating it when I get back to the booth.
“You’re eating a donut? Dude exams are next week!”
“Yeah exams are next week, worry about them then,” I say taking a bite.
“Actually I have a question.” She says and I’m a little nervous. “What happened between you and Luke?” 
Shit, what do I do. Lie say it was a DND related incident or tell the truth that I kissed him and token masculinity took over. Me and Luke are secret nerds I mean star wars is the best trilogy in the world and DND is the best game ever invented, I pushed it away once I joined football, but it’s still nostalgic  to think about.
“Um do you want short answer or long Answer?”
“Anything,” she says.
“Ok well, this may shock you. Um.” tell her the truth you IDIOT. “I- um kissed him,” I say and then drinking from my cup.
“Wait what?” she says,
“I kissed Luke. On a roof and now he’s avoiding me,”
“Are you gay?” she asks and I feel a gut retching feeling come up.
“Yeah,” instantly it’s like a weight was pulled off my chest.
“Oh! Um yeah well that explains it. I mean. But why him?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Does he know?”
“Jen I kissed him,” I say slumping in the booth. “Of course he knows.”
“I have English with him, he says that he just needs a break.” Jeez I’m just glad he didn’t out me to Jen too.
“Yeah a week is long enough, I’m calling him.” I pull out my mobile from my pocket and diel his number. Pressing call I put it up to my ear. Jen's looking at me with daggers for eyes.
“Dude what are you doing.” She starts and I leave the booth and make my way to the bathroom.
“Hi,” I hear his voice. It’s not ruff and not weak as if he was crying it sounds normal and I miss it.
“I’m sorry!” I say getting into a stall.
“No.”
“What?”
“No!” he says and I’m honestly confused “I’m dumb and everything I do turns to shit.”
“That’s not true. I’m coming over.”
“What? No,”
“Yeah, you answered we’re going for a drive.” I say “I’m at the coffee shop so get ready quick,” I say and before he can say anything I hang out and rush out of the bathroom.
“What the fuck did you do?” she asked
“I fixed things, and I’m gonna fix more but I gotta go. We can study tomorrow Ok?”
“fuck ok well tell me how it goes will ya?”
I rush out the door and it’s twilight. Absolutely beautiful. I get in the car and start it. Driving out of the parking lot I practically speed to his house. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna tell him.
As I approached his house I noticed a figure that was planted on his lawn, and it approached as I slowed down. Luke was wearing a sweater and had his hood up. When he got in the car I noticed wetness on his cheeks. The last time he cried in front of people was in grade 4 when he smashed his head on a monkey bar. He faced me and I faced him. He had a black eye.
“Jeez what happened?”
“I got jumped, Alex, all of them you know?” He said.
“Assholes.” I say “was Clint one of them?”
“No, no he actually stopped it,” he said.
“Hey. Why did it happen?”
“I picked a fight with the wrong crowd.”
“You fought Alex. What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know.” he said and rubbed his eye.
“Well I’m gonna say it. Karma’s a bitch.” I said stopping at a red light
“Yeah I guess. So you’re gay Hun?” he pauses before he says this and I feel him tense up. 
“Yeah. Guess I am.” I say and it’s really easy to say it around him.
“I guess I’ve been kind of an ass lately Hun?”
“Lately? Jeez I thought you’d never come around.” I say and honestly I want to kiss him again.
“I almost didn’t.” he said. “If you want we can kiss again, I’m not gay or anything, but if it’ll help make things better-” he stops himself. He’s silent for a minute. Contemplating whether he’s gay or not. He looks at me, then my lips Jesus what is he thinking. I’m honestly hard. I know he’s straight but damn I want him. I want him more than ever. We’re sitting in awkward silence when he speaks
“it’s just a kiss,” he blurts out and I look at him astonished. “but if I say stop. I mean it, I don’t want this leading to. Never mind-” his voice dies as I lean in. He leans in too. Our lips meet and I feel like I do this way to often. But it’s nice. Whoever he ends up with will be extremely lucky because damn he’s a good kisser. I can feel myself getting tighter in my pants, and we aren’t driving anymore, but we’re still kissing. I climb on top of him, and he pushes me off.
“Alright that’s enough for me,” he says wiping his lips. He’s laughing so it can’t be that bad.
“Thanks.” I say wiping my own lips. His one good eye is really dreamy. “So you’re not gay then?”
“Definitely not, but judging on your Bonner you definitely are,” he says with a chuckle. “So who talked you into kissing me?”
“You,” I say after taking a long hard breath. “I mean before you it was Justin Timberlake grade 9, but you’re the first boy that I’ve actually had feelings for, I liked you for almost 2 years now, I just wish I’d told you earlier.”
“2 years damn, well I only saw you as my best friend, but I mean you’re a great guy.”
“Good job at letting me off easy.” I say rubbing my teary eyes.
“Bring it in,” he says and we hug. I can’t believe he outed me I can’t believe he went to Abby. But this is nice.
“Don’t tell anyone about this ok?” he said with concerned eyes.
“Yeah.” I say starting my car. Driving out of the parking lot that we were statured as I drive him home.
“I love you, you know, like I always saw you as a brother.” He spoke as if he really cared.
“Yeah.” I say, and I really want to kiss him again. But I don’t. “So does this mean we’re good, between us?”
“Yeah I think it is,” his voice was soft, smooth and amazing.

Arriving at his house I drop him off. He gets out and I see him wander to his house, opening the door and disappearing into his house. I drive pastor the coffee shop and see Jen still working. So I pull up into the parking lot. It’s 9:30 and the diner is open all night. Thank god.
“Hey,” I say sitting with her once again.
“How’d it go?” She said biting her pencil.
“Really good actually, we kissed.”
“You what?” she asked shocked.
“I kissed him!” I say in a heap of triumph.
“Is he gay?” her voice kind of shook when she spoke.
“No, no he’s straight.” I say looking at the cashier. He’s actually quite attractive he has a nice face, under that shirt he’s probably got a six pack. 
“Well. Um that’s good.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “You ok?”
“Yeah, actually I’m better then ok. I’m great.”
“Can I say something. I think I like Michael.” Who doesn’t. Anyways I’ll never stop loving him. Or Clint. I don’t know, both are pretty great, both straight, but great.

At 10:30 I decide to head out and so does Jen. She gets in her blue car and drives away. And so do I. Arriving home I hear my parents drunk laughter again. Great. He’s blasting music and I head straight to my room. Pulling off my shoes I plop down onto my office chair. Spinning around to face my desk I look out my window. I still fucking love him. He’s still in my mind, and he won’t get out. That stupid dirty blond hair that falls perfectly imperfect. His slender body. His soft olive skin. His golden hair, and his eyes filled with mystery and wonder. 
I’m laying on my bed looking at my boob light just wanting everything to stop. I wonder if he’s in the same position as me. Laying in bed staring out into nothingness. Until I’m flung back into reality and I nearly fall off my bed. Catching myself I regain my balance and sit. I’m regretting my choices. I realized I liked the male specimen nearly 3 years ago when I was 14. Sure I questioned it up until this point but I still really enjoy the company of girls. I just don’t want to have. Anyways now that 3 people know I should really start telling more people. I think as I pace my bedroom floor. Until my godforsaken phone rings. Jesus you’d think people would calm down at 11 o’clock, but alas I answer it and it’s Abby.
“Hey,” I say sitting back down in my office chair.
“Hi, um Tomorrow there’s this fair down In the Mormont parking lot you want to go?” she asks and I ponder for a second.
“Who’s going?”
“Luke, Jen, Quinn and me our normal friend group.”
“Oh ok, um what time should I pick everyone up we could go for supper or something,” I suggest looking out the window.
“Oh yeah sure maybe around 4ish?” she says, and we bid our goodbyes. That kiss still haunts me. That kiss. His kiss. Ugh Jesus Christ! I’m love struck, but he isn’t. He isn’t and it makes me feel anxious and noxious. I’m stuck staring at my boob light. It's off and my room is pledged with darkness, but we can’t think about him. He’s dumb and ugh I need to get over him! My eyes feel heavy. Really heavy and I start to drift off.

“Get in,” I say as I see Abby made her way towards my car. Jen was put in charge of picking up Quinn while I volunteered to pick up Luke and Abby.
“Hey.” she says my hands are on the wheel when she comes in  with a giant smile.
“How’s it going?” it’s a really hot Saturday and it’s pretty amazing. The windows are down and summer tunes are playing. I’m wearing a short sleeved button up with a pair of shorts. Abby’s wearing a really stylish sundress her hairs let down in thick brown curls.
“What happened last night? Between you and Luke?”
“Way too much.” I say thinking about last night’s events. “We kissed.” I say blushing.
“Wait what?” she says honestly astonished. “Wait you kissed again?”
“Yeah he felt bad because he literally shunned me for more than a week, so I guess when he did it. It was almost pity, but it was nice. Really nice,” I spoke almost as if it wasn’t even me. Like I was in someone else’s body.
“Well. That’s cool.” she’s playing with her hands like she’s anxious. “He’s not gay is he?”
“No. He made it very clear when he pushed me off.”
“Ok well. Does anyone else know You know about the whole gay thing?” Her voice cracked when it came out. Jeez who had I come out too? Luke, Abby, Jen. That’s it wow that’s a little pathetic, but it’s a start.
“You, Luke, and Jen I told her last night,”
“Are you going to tell Quinn?”
“Eventually. I mean it’s bound to happen.”
“Ok well I’m really proud of you,”
“thanks.” I say pulling into Luke’s street. I always park in front of his house instead of going in the driveway. It's easier.
“So about that camp out. I was thinking we invite other people than just our core friend group how about Michael or Ben, Hanna, Brianna and Taylor? I mean we don’t have to invite them because we’d be spending the night right?” Abby says and I think she’s obsessed. Maybe I’m obsessed
“Oh yeah, well I mean yeah sure I mean we could just go to Luke’s and have a campfire.” I said thinking about a crackling fire, marshmallows and laughter.
“Yeah, but don’t you want to get away?”
“Yeah kinda.” My voice trails off as Luke opens the door
“Hey guys!” Luke says getting in the backseat.
“Did you guys eat yet?” I ask driving down his quiet suburban neighborhood.
“Um I could eat,” he says, “Yeah me too, coffee?” Abby says looking for a response. I nod and drive down the main road listening to summer in the city. And our voices overcome the radio’s. I feel on-top of the world. Above the clouds. Floating in space. We arrive at the coffee shop. We all go in and order. I order an iced coffee with a breakfast sandwich even though it’s 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Like orders a black coffee and a  chocolate muffin and Abby orders a beagle and a fruit smoothie. The boys here again. Jeez does he have a life. I can see his laptop more clearly now and I can see what he’s writing. It's something about moving, I can’t make out the rest. Abby nudges my shoulder and we leave. Getting in the car we drive the rest of the way on summer vibes and amazing ice coffee. There’s still exams next week but after that we’re done. Driving into the cracked parking lot we see the giant Ferris wheel and the smell of deep-fried goods waft through the air. We pay for our overpriced tickets and go in to look for the others. Jen and Quinn are chilling on a bench making conversation.
“Hey!” Abby said enthusiastically. Her smile bigger than her ego. The dirt road has now turned to pavement and I’m feeling giddy.
“Hi,” Jen spoke raising from the bench.

Going from the tilt-a world to the giant wheel of death. We make a nice group, all laughing and everyone giddy. When twilight hits we decide to head back to the coffee shop I’m completely stuffed feeling sluggish and absolutely disgusting from all the fair food. I’m just surprised I didn’t throw up.
Pulling into the parking lot I turn down the music and unbuckle.
Jen and Quinn show up too. And we all get out.

“I’ll take a iced coffee and a banana bread,” I say pointing at the small slice of banana goodness. “Oh and chocolate muffin ” I’m full but not that full. The boys still here does he ever leave I think walking towards an empty booth. Luke sits next to me and Abby sits across. Jen slides next to her and Quinn next to her. We laugh and I can’t help but stare at that kid. He looks to be my age 16 or 17, and he seems pretty lonely. Reserved he’s reading a book, and he’s drinking something hot. I see his cup streaming. I bet he has an artsy name like Abraham. I wonder what he’s reading? Shakespeare? Lovecraft? Something archaic, poetic and beautiful but it’s got a sinister side.
“Tommy.” I turn in a jolt of fury almost startled
“Yeah?” I ask
“The campfire. Its happening this this Friday, at Luke’s Jesus I swear you’re not even listening now.” I’m not but I’m a good actor.
“Yeah sure.” I say directly to Abby, but he’s still looming In my mind. He’s been here every day for a week. He’s gotta be lonely, but the campfire, I’m gonna do it. I’m coming out whether I want to or not.

“Who’s going?” I ask.