Both Sides Now.

Chapter 6

Sitting on the roof I stare longingly at his dark brown eyes. And I reach to touch his hand, but he moves it. He stares and I look away standing up and yawning.
“Ok well I’m going to bed. I love you, and not in a gay way, more of like a brother you know?” I say as I stare at him wanting him. I'm lying to myself when I say I don’t want him. But God forbid me have a crush. God forbid he be my best friend for 12 years. I enter his dim bedroom and wonder down the creaky wooden stairs. The house is as quiet as ever, but I can’t stop thinking. Laying down I stare at the popcorn ceiling. And I look at Abby. Sleeping peacefully. I finally fall asleep when I feel Luke wander next to me. I feel complete.

Waking up in the morning I feel my stiff back lock as I wake. Abby’s already awake and Luke’s out like a brick.
“Hey” soft morning whispers are the best.
“Hey” I said supporting myself with my elbows.
“Why don’t we wake sleepy bones up and go for a drive?” she proposed and I look at her kinda funnily.
“Uh by drive do you mean me driving you home? Because I’m going home” I say getting up. “Sorry Luke, but I’m tired and I need to go for a run”
“Why?” Abby asks
“Because I’ve put on a few, haven’t you noticed?” I say lifting my shirt.
“There's literally nothing there, you worry too much” maybe she’s right. “Besides, we could go get coffee?” she’s got me there.
“Alright you wake him up I’m gonna go pee.” I say making my way to the bathroom.
Relieving the tension that’s built up over the several hours of slumber felt amazing. Walking out Luke and Abby are talking. He’s laughing and she’s giggling.
“Oh, you’re done” she says getting up. Luke does too,
“Ok let’s go.” I say.

The coffee shop is empty for a Saturday morning just a few patrons are scattered throughout the store. And coffee boy isn’t one of them. I barely pay attention to anyone  and I’m too tired to think. I’m eating a donut while drinking a brew. After driving Abby and Luke home I honestly can’t believe I’m out to other people. It’s a little exciting. Closing my bedroom door I fall on my tightly made bed. I don’t know what it is. The warmness of a made bed or the fact that I’m a weirdo that makes his bed every morning but it’s nice. I look through my collection of cassette tapes for a nice album. Michael Jackson's thriller. I love old music, I don’t know if it’s because of the unique beats and the fact that it’s not rap or the fact that it’s good knowing good music instead of NSYNC or the backstreet boys. But Justin Timberlake is honestly hot and so are the others. So I guess it’s ok.

Billie Jean fills my ears as I lay on my bed my pillows or bundled up promptly so it supports my head and I’m stuck staring at my room. A filled laundry basket is besides my door posters and world maps are scattered around my walls. I have a bulletin board for Christmas cards I get from my friends or sweet pictures from parties. Or movie tickets from a sick movie. My bookshelf has about 100 books and I haven’t even read half of them. My headless female mannequin has a leather jacket on to cover her chest she’s great. My book bag is statured next to my closed closet door. And then I see a crumpled up piece of paper. It's on my desk next to a empty cup of water. Unraveling it it’s the letter I wrote for David.
“Hey,
12 years ago we met. 12 years ago we decided to never let ourselves get separated, let ourselves go our separate ways. I thought maybe it was true. Maybe you thought so too? But that kiss. It haunts me. Like a demon to myself. Ever since then I haven’t felt the same. I love you. And I wish you felt the same way. I thought that maybe you would understand but you haven’t answered my calls or even made an effort to even look at me. And honestly it’s pathetic on my end, but pathetic on your side too. I miss you. I’m sorry “

The note is crumpled and there’s pen marks scratching and rewriting words. Its heartfelt and sweet, but I recrumple it. If he knew I wrote this it’d be the worst thing ever. I love him. I can’t believe I feel this way but it’s true. If I wasn’t gay then we wouldn’t be having this problem. This awful problem.