Both Sides Now.

Chapter 5

Its official, I hate exams. They’re horribly stressful and honestly the worst thing to ever be created. I’m sure I failed Chem and French and maybe bio too. Thursday comes way too soon and I can’t wait till summer starts, but I’m not ready for this whole coming out thing, I’m  equally afraid of it as I am curious. Part of me wants to do it extremely fast but part of me wants to wait and savor the straight in me. Just a little longer.

I’m lying in my bed staring at that damn boob light. When I hear my phone ring. I answer way too soon like I was waiting for it or something and then I hear who it is.
“Hey” it’s Luke.
“Hi” I say honestly baffled I thought it’d be Abby but Luke’s just as good.
“Sorry that I did that to you. I didn’t even know what you were going through, the whole gay thing hadn’t hit me yet.” Gay I hadn’t heard that word uttered from his mouth yet.
“Yep. I’m gay” that was the first time I said those words out loud too. I chuckle and get into a sitting position on my bed.
“Wanna go for a drive?” he asks and I feel my eyebrows arch.
“Um yeah sure” I end up saying as I step out the door. The hot air is astounding and my car is about 100 degrees hotter, and it’s almost out of gas. A quick stop and $20 later I arrive at his house, and we go for coffee just us. It's nice like old times. When we’re stature in a booth I notice that same boy. Jeez I look at Luke and whisper.
“He’s been here every day for the past 2 weeks.”
Every day?”
“Yeah!” I say taking a swig from my cup.
“Do you think?”
“What! No he’s definitely not” I say looking at him. He shrugs his shoulders and I can’t help looking at him.
“Go talk to him”
“What? No I’m not gonna talk to a complete stranger”
“Umm coffee boy” Luke says as he looks at him.
“Dude that’s so degrading.” I say
“Yeah and so is fag. So what?” he’s got me there. I’m not even sure he’s allowed to say fag. Or is it only a thick football thing.
“Fine” I say getting up, "but don’t make it weird.”
I end up walking past him and end up walking to get another donut. I’m not talking to some complete stranger because he’s here every day. Fuck that. So when I return Luke is looking at me with daggers for eyes.
“What the fuck” he says and I give him a major stink eye.
“I’m not gonna talk to a complete stranger” I say as he takes a price of my chocolate donut.
“Hey!” I say looking at him. "First you shun me, then you kiss me, and now you take my donut. Jeez that’s just hurtful”
“Oh come on, you know I didn’t really mean to hurt you.”
“Oh I did. I thought you were some closeted homophobe. Well you still might be, but yeah” I say placing my hands on my thighs.
“I’m not, I was just confused. Really confused” he spoke like he was really sorry. Like he really cared.
“Why?”
“Because. I love you. Not in a gay way I’m definitely not gay, but you’re like my brother. And the fact that you liked me. It’s a little weird to think about.” It’s weird I feel like he’s the only non homophobic person in my life. I mean I don’t know about Abby and Jen, but they both had mixed reactions, but he. He came through, I want to kiss him again. “Like you always seemed like you were hiding something from me. And I never knew what it was guess I do now.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right, but why? Why did you act like you never wanted to see me again?” my voice is shaking a little. “Why would you do that to me?”
“I’m Not sure, but you have to understand that it’s weird. Nobody’s out, and you definitely shouldn’t be out. Not now I mean.”
“Yeah, well it’s gotta happen. This campfire. I’m coming out to everyone.” Clint. I forgot about him, jeez what’s he gonna say. He’s probably gonna be ok with it, he’s ok with everything.
“Wait really?” Luke asks and I finish my drink.
"Yep.” What’s the list. Clint, Abby, Luke, Jen, Quinn. They’re probably gonna be ok with the whole gay thing, but Ben, Michael, Brianna and Taylor. Maybe not too much Ben’s this mad soccer player who doesn’t really understand math but his hearts in the right place. Michael is this crazy hot guy that Jen has a crush on, I only know that because she told me a week ago by accident.  I really wish he was gay but I know he isn’t. Taylor is this drama freak that Quinn knows. Quinn does drama, has been since grade 7. And I love it, and Brianna. She's amazing, I don’t know and she's really mean to other people, but she’s nice to me so maybe she already knows. She's one of Abby’s friends from her math class. She’s like this totally badass girl that wears leather and black. I’m a little afraid of her but I think she’s a lesbian, so I mean it can’t be that bad. But it’s starting to hit me. Straight Tom won’t exist to them. For all they know I’m as straight as a pole and not this spherical hallucination of a person and I really like the idea of staying the same. I don’t want to be known as gay. I don’t want it to define me, but it’s like it’s all I can do. Just keep saying I’m gay or straight or whatever.
“I’m sick of it”
“what?” Luke asks staring at my face. I can feel his heavy eyes on mine.
“I’m sick of this gay thing already.” I say.
“It’ll get better.”
“How would you know, I mean you’re straight. You don’t have to come out every day.” His eyes ponder like he’s keeping something from me.