Mileven Stories

We Keep Going (1994)

There's this feeling that everybody faces at least once. Maybe it could be identified as having bad luck. Or the feeling one gets when they've worked so hard at something and end up falling shortly right in front of it.

Mike and El were currently facing what he saw to be incorrect timing. Everything they wanted would happen when it was meant to come along.

For El though, she saw it as a personal systematic failure. She was convinced that she was the piece in this situation that would ultimately lead to disappointing the one she loves most.

Failure can be deadly if one absorbs the toxicity that it brings.

"We'll try again", came the gentle voice of her husband.

She had been lost in her self-loathing thoughts and could barely bring herself to acknowledge his statement. She sent him a brief nod before continuing to trace her fingers along the bathroom tile.

Her trance was rattled when she heard the clatter of her fourth negative pregnancy test hitting the bottom of the trashcan.

Mike's side pressed softly to her's before he slid his chin into the crook of her neck. He left a kiss on her collarbone and felt as she tensed up.

He knew her well enough to recognize that she was shutting down. That this process was reminding her that sometimes she cannot control the body she owns.

"How about I make your favorite pasta dish? We can even bake a cake for later. Just to celebrate us," he suggested in hopes of cheering her up.

He awaited her response, but El's eyes never snapped to his. He could sense that her golden irises were glassed over as if all the light was being squeezed out of her.

He gingerly brought both his hands up to her cheeks before making her face him. Although she was looking right back at him, her gaze felt hollow and empty.

"Baby, this is out of our control. We both know we are physically able to conceive, but it's just not the right time. When our stars play out, we'll know," he assured in a quiet voice.

Eleven always loved the stars. They were there throughout the dark and showed her beauty in the midst of despair. Stars represented the constellation that was marked permanently across the love of her life's most precious features.

Why would the alignment of stars continue disappointing them both? Why wasn't this the moment for them to begin a family?

She could only think of one conclusion that seemed logical to her.

"It's not timing or the stars. It's me. I have always been damaged. I should have listened to pap—", she was cut off when Mike smoothly ran his long fingers along her face, successfully distracting her from mentioning that sick man.

"Stop. The bad men have nothing to do with this. And this is not you. When it's the right time we will get what we want, I just know it," he proclaimed.

She immediately shook her head and scooted herself away from his touch. Mike became overwhelmed by the coldness that was present in the room.

"We are always trying when I'm ovulating. If my body and I were right then it would have happened. I'm not meant to have this," she finished her statement and allowed the tears to cascade down her cheeks.

Her husband was quick to pull her towards him. He placed his back firmly along the edge of their bathtub and opened his legs so she could snuggly fit into his warm embrace. When her back aligned itself with his chest he circled his arms around her waist.

He began drawing circles on her hips and spoke in a relaxing tone, "you are meant to have the world. We don't need a biological time schedule, we just need the right moment. I promise you, you and I will have this. We will have a family."