Apex- AU HS FANFIC

Chapter 21

Harry was at my house when I pulled in. I was shocked by what Mindy had expressed to me. Harry had done more in a week than she had in 6 years. He was fixing me. I didn't know how to tell him anything and felt awkward as I walked into my house. 

"Boy toy named Troy is upstairs. Emma is with him." Maricela said and I shook my head. 

"I need to talk to him. Hey mom, I gotta talk to you after I talk to Harry. Like superbad." I was in no mood to talk. I didn't know what I was going to say to Harry but I paced outside my bedroom for a few seconds, Josh looking at me confused from his room where he played video games with his girlfriend. 

"You okay?" I shook my head, holding my hands up in defense, getting the guts to open my door. Harry was laughing as Emma crawled around him on my bed. 

"Hey baby, how was the doctors?" He looked amazing in his usual white shirt and black skinny jeans. The brown boots he usually wore were on the floor beside the bed. I loved how he was with my niece but I was two seconds away from tears. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, Emma was pulled into his embrace as he stood up, walking closer to me. 

"Baby?" I shook my head holding my hands out to keep him from coming near me for a second. 

"We gotta talk." He looked scared as I shakily took Emma from him, turning to see Josh looking at me wearily. 

"What's wrong?" He asked and I shook my head, handing Emma over to him. 

"I need to talk to him. Get out." I pushed him slightly but he stood still. "Babe, come on. She needs to talk to him, I'm sure she'll tell you after." Marissa begged, tugging Josh into his room, she shot me a smile which I tried to return but it came out weak as I closed my door. 

"What's wrong?" Harry repeated as I began pacing, shaking my hands trying to form coherent thoughts. 

"Okay. Wait. Let me think of how to say this because I don't know." I was pacing in deep thought my hands were moving faster than my thoughts as I let out a small scream. 

"Okay. Okay. I'm just going to do it really unfiltered and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." Harry was sitting on the edge of my bed. 

"Are you breaking up with me? Baby we were doing great. I don't understand." Harry's voice cracked when he spoke breaking my heart. 

"No, no. Nothing like that. I just can't go near you because I'll start crying and I won't be able to say what I need to and give you the information you need to decide if you're even up for being together anymore." I panicked, taking my desk chair and put it infront of the bed where he sat. I sat in the chair, my legs shaking like jello. 

"Remember, completely unfiltered. Okay? I don't know how to form thoughts right now. I'm sorry, in advanced, okay? I also need you to hear me out, don't interrupt because I'll switch my agenda and forget to tell you important things" I asked and he nodded slowly. I bit my lip as I looked at him. I was deeply in love with him and I hope this didn't fuck us up. It would break my entire heart completely if he left but I'd understand. 

"Okay wait. I need to get something." I said jogging over to the closet, tripping over a few things since I was so nervous but caught myself. I took the collection of journals I've accumulated over the past few years and sat them on the floor by the bed. 

"Okay. So. I guess let's start from the way beginning. I-" I stopped because my throat closed up as I looked down at the box, taking the first journal out, red. Pain. 

"So I've been through alot in my short lifetime of 17 years. And I've been going to therapy for the past 6 years and baby that's where I was earlier but I was too ashamed to let you know because I don't want you to think any less of me. I go once a week, twice if I need it or more. I'm on call with her if I need it but." I stopped, sighing heavily as I just thought about this entire situation of me having to invite him into my past. 

"I have medicine that I take everyday. I keep it in here." I opened the second drawer by my bed, avoiding the first because of things that'll piss him off I didn't want to explain. 

"I have anxiety meds, insomnia, depression and like billions of other things because of everything that's happened." I let a tear slip as I opened the red book. 

"Mindy, my therapist, has been working for 6 nonstop years to try to get me to open up to her about all my trauma and warned me about keeping it in but I never listened. She told me to write it down so I did. Every single vile thing people have done to me is inside these journals. Some have photo proof others have things that I hoard to keep them from actually dying because, like it or not, they're pieces of me." I was shaking as I spoke, I didn't want to make eye contact. 

"And today we got into you and she told me that in just that session alone I've opened up to her more than I have in 6 years and she thinks it's to do with you. She asked me about my meds and I haven't took any since I met you. I've slept well, I've eaten well, I haven't got the need to take these stupid fucking pills." I slammed the drawer shut after he was done looking at the pill bottles. 

"She told me that it be wise, if you're still willing to be in this relationship after we even get done having this conversation, to join me for a session so I can get close to a means to not have to go to therapy so often. She told me that you. You were my break through. She said that the light that flickered behind my eyes when we talked about you was only seen in people who have really deep connection with another. They practically become one." I shook my head as I looked down at my lap. 

"What does that mean?" He asked, his hand went to my thighs when my legs crossed over one another and I looked up at him behind tears. He was confused, he looked scared. 

"She said that there was a study conducted were subjects A was isolated for months before put into society forming deep bonds with Subjects B and when the two subject groups separated, A got sick. They could not reform to living in isolation. The body would attack itself because they mutually fixed eachother in those relationships. She warned that only 1% of the world population is able to form those bonds." 

"I don't understand." Harry tilted his head as he looked at me. 

"Essentially I'm that 1 percent. Without you my body would not be able to function physically, mentally or emotionally." I was shaking but he was confused. 

"So it would attack itself?" 

"Yes and No. It wouldn't know how to function. I would need rehabilitation to begin the recovery of a life without the other party. It's essentially stated that I'm deeply in love with you. More than the average person should."